"Canada is a great place....FOR ME TO POOP ON!!"
Posted on 02/13/2004 9:40:21 AM PST by albertabound
Conan sics dog on Quebec
DAY 3: Triumph makes Don Cherry look like a moderate
By BILL BRIOUX
Don Cherry, you are so off the hook. Last night on American network television, Triumph The Insult Comedy Dog pooped all over the province of Quebec. Talk about puppets who kill. Triumph, as performed by writer Robert Smigel, is a cheesy, rubber Rottweiler hand puppet who smokes a cigar, sounds like Ricky Ricardo on crack and barks insults at everyone within range.
He's a Dachshund Don Rickles. He's their Ed The Sock (so much so that Ed operator Steve Kerzner was told to punch out early and steer clear of Monday's Conan O'Brien love-in at MuchMusic).
The bit is a staple of Late Night With Conan O'Brien, so you had to know, sooner or later, Triumph would cross the border and be unleashed on Canadians. Who knew he would turn up at the Quebec Winter Carnival?
On the recent TV critics press tour in L.A., a clip of Triumph goofing on American Idol contestants had critics in stitches.
It was funnier than any new show we saw for this spring.
But it is hard to imagine any francophone Canadian laughing today. Triumph's whole act is to find the nerve and hit it. Last night, he picked away at a scab that never quite heals in this country. Bad dog.
"I can tell you are French -- I can smell your crotch from here," a beret-wearing Triumph said to one over-styled downtown dude. His victims seemed shocked and uncomprehending.
"You're French and Canadian? That means you're obnoxious and dumb?" he barked at one man who refused to get upset.
A translator then had the brutal task of insulting these Carnival goers in their own tongue.
One couple showed the dog their backs.
"You're in North America -- learn the language," Triumph heckled.
And later: "Are you separatists? Listen carefully: Do you hear that? It's the sound of nobody giving a crap."
Zut alors. This stuff would have offended Don Cherry. Quebec will finally want to separate -- from the United States.
"I thought Babar lived in Paris," Triumph goofed on one tubby.
"Are you a separatist? Maybe you should try separating yourself from doughnuts first."
Maybe this stuff kills Stateside where they're still smarting from France's firm "non" to the war in Iraq. That would explain this crack: "I only know the basic French expressions -- like, 'I surrender.' "
Heaping insult on injury: "You're like the Canada of Canada."
Mon Dieu! In one night, Triumph flushed 72 hours of amazing Can-Am goodwill straight down the toilet. It was as if the O'Brien folks felt the tidal wave of love was way out of hand. Dammit, we're an edgy band of satirists. No one is safe.
There were shots at Celine Dion (a target all week) and Cirque du Soleil. The sweet Carnival custom of kids scooping hot syrup dripped in the snow on to popsicle sticks was followed by Triumph lifting a leg and expelling a similar golden liquid. Cut to the kids again lapping it up.
In a move that would dismantle the CBC if anyone on Air Farce or This Hour Has 22 Minutes ever tried it, Triumph went straight to the heart of Bill 101. French language street signs in Quebec City were replaced with English signs reading, "Rue de Pussies" and "Celine Dion Sucks Street."
The Elgin Theatre rocked with laughter, but it was that nervous, "I can't believe it" kind. Bringing O'Brien's show to Toronto may help tourism here, but it may kill tourism in Florida.
No Quebecer will ever want to visit the States again.
Stunningly, after the show, O'Brien treated the theatre audience to what was presented as a bonus: more anti-Quebec venom from Triumph. The main target here was the Bonhomme du Carnival, the smiley snowman Triumph called a "corporate whore" and "the Michelin Man's gay cousin."
"Look at him," Triumph shouted at the mobbed mascot. "That's how Hitler got started."
Even poutine was savaged. "It looks like Bonhomme took a dump on my french fries."
Triumph/Smigel finally persuaded an ice sculptor to add a snow likeness of a dog humping a reclining Bonhomme. "Your tax dollars at work, Canada!" he yelped, a phrase sure to be repeated in both official languages around the House of Commons today.
Now, nothing is sacred to Triumph. He goofs on everything American, too. But try to imagine if Mike Bullard had taken his show to Alabama, cavorted in blackface and tossed watermelons at bandleader Orin Isaacs. More than softwood lumber would be sacrificed.
How was the rest of the show? Adam Sandler showed his sweet, quiet side, making fun of his own sexual prowess and talking about the recent death of his dad.
"I do miss him," said Sandler.
He joked that the old man was probably up in Heaven with his old Saturday Night Live pal Chris Farley.
"You wanna go watch Adam in the shower," he imagined Farley saying.
"All right, I'm going to go spy on J.Lo."
Sandler came out in a parka, another dig at our cold weather.
He stayed well past his segment, shaking hands and signing autographs with fans in the front rows. A real mensh.
It took three days, but there was another first last night: a film clip (hyping Sandler's new movie, 50 First Dates). That's how extraordinary these shows are: even the movie companies have to take a back seat.
O'Brien's skill as an interviewer was also something to admire.
He listens, advances the story and moves it all effortlessly to a tidy conclusion and on to the next topic. The zingers fly smartly straight out of his head.
At the end, Stompin' Tom Connors led the 1,200 strong through all three periods of The Hockey Song. Leafs 1, Montreal 0.
Preparation H Raymond (writer/comedian Brian McCann) made his first Canadian appearance and even switched brands.
Boxes of Canadian ass ointment Nupercainal was tossed into the crowd by comely assistants.
One woman in the balcony nearly lost an eye.
Too bad there's no salve for the ass-kicking Quebec took last night.
"Canada is a great place....FOR ME TO POOP ON!!"
Oh yeeeeesss!
And the downside is....?
;-)
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