Non-Jews' bar/bat-mitzva envy

Israeli stereotypes of American Jews tend to center on the wealth and hedonism of their cousins across the ocean. It turns out that non-Jews here in America tend to feel the same way.

Apparently non-Jewish adolescents in the United States are increasingly afflicted with a new problem: bat- and bar-mitzva envy.

Laugh all you like, but this curious trend was the subject of a front-page article in The Wall Street Journal on January 14. In it, Journal staffer Elizabeth Bernstein reported that upscale non-Jewish kids are bummed out about the lavish parties their Jewish classmates are getting – and want in on the action.

The result is that some parents are giving them catered 13th birthday parties with all the trappings associated with bar- and bat-mitzvas these days, including DJs and dancers.

According to the Journal, some Jews worry that these faux bar/bat-mitzvas featuring candlelighting ceremonies for relatives are a mockery of Judaism.

But those who wonder about the implications of such silliness have it backwards.

It's not the non-Jewish kids and their parents who are mocking Judaism; it's the Jews they are copying who are at fault.

Imitation may be the highest form of flattery, but in this case the compliment highlights some of the worst aspects of American Jewish life.

Let's face it, in an age of conspicuous consumption in the US, American Jews are among the most conspicuous of consumers.

In a clich that has been tossed down from virtually every synagogue pulpit in the country by frustrated rabbis to their indifferent congregations, there is often a lot more bar than mitzva in our coming-of-age rituals these days.

No one suspects that the non-Jewish kids who caught the attention of the Journal had any desire to actually learn Jewish history, Hebrew, or Torah and take on more personal responsibility in their lives or even adapt any of this to their own faiths; they just wanted a big party.

The question that ought to haunt us is How different are they and their parents from all too many of their Jewish counterparts?

Mishnaic literature tells us that it was at age 13 that our biblical father Abraham tore down the false idols of his father. But with the fashion of having bar- and bat-mitzva parties arranged according to a theme (with everything from Disney movies and sports teams to Wall Street moneymaking and the Sopranos TV show as examples), it is probably not stretching a point to note that the many extravagant parties these days seem to be more of a homage to false idols of popular secular culture than a reaffirmation of religious values.

It is this noxious aspect of our culture that leaps straight out of the bourgeois gaucheries of Philip Roth's classic Goodbye, Columbus that some are seeking to imitate, not the nobler ideals of Judaism.

IS THIS merely a question of rampant bad taste? Maybe. But I think critics of our coming-of-age culture are more than party-poopers.

Calling the bar/bat-mitzva celebrant to the Torah as an adult is supposed to be a symbol of the youngster's joining a community of faith as a full-fledged member.

But the downgrading of religious content and the emphasis on secular display illustrates the way many American Jews are becoming more distant from Jewish tradition, no matter which denominational interpretation they might accept.

Though a larger percentage of American Jewish children are being educated in religious day schools than ever before, they are still the small minority. Most still acquire a smattering of knowledge about their heritage from part-time synagogue Hebrew schools – many known as bar-mitzva factories – that have already fostered the most Jewishly illiterate generation in the history of our people.

If all American Jews are giving their kids is a taste for expensive display, they would do better to, as the Reform movement once suggested, scrap this tradition for a confirmation ceremony at the end of a course of Jewish study that extends beyond the age of 13. Indeed, the fact that for most kids, the bar/bat-mitzva marks the end of any Jewish education is a worse problem than the expense wasted on lavish affairs.

It should also be noted that there are some highly positive alternatives to hideous theme parties that are also growing in popularity.

More kids these days are donating percentages of the cash gifts they receive to charities, or dedicating the event to a cause they see as greater than their own personal glory.

During the struggle to free Soviet Jewry, the practice of twinning bar- or bat-mitzva celebrations in the US with kids still locked behind the Iron Curtain helped bring that issue to a mass audience. Perhaps the idea could be revived by matching American kids with those in Israel who are survivors of terror attacks or otherwise in need.

And, of course, there is the all-purpose alternative to a big party: a family trip to Israel.

Though the popularity of such excursions has understandably declined in recent years due to the Palestinian terror war, there are still many courageous parents and children who want something far more meaningful – and are rewarded with the experience of their lives.

But if the only point of contact for Jewish youngsters with their tradition is a part-time education whose sole raison d' tre is to give them an excuse for an expensive bash for their friends, why should we be surprised if many of them reject Judaism as lacking in the spiritual values they seek as adults?

The bar- or bat-mitzva celebrated as a soulless and Godless excuse for spending money is a real problem for a Jewish community that wonders about its future. It is a custom that other faith communities should imitate only at their own peril.

The last time that I attended one of these secular "events" my cousin gave a bat mitzvah party for her daughter with a "Hollywood" theme, including an MTV-type video of the "daughter of the commandments" gyrating and hip-swishing a la Britney Spears. It was very embarrassing and painful to witness.

Last night I married off my own daughter in a beautiful, but very simple ceremony. My cousin, who had made the "Hollywood" bat mitzvah, was very impressed by the spirituality of the event.

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Good for you.

22 years ago, my little Bro-in-law had a Bar Mitzvah where kids he hardly knew gave him $100.00 and then some!!!! My in-laws were aghast because they knew they couldn't afford these kids the same amount.

My question always is...where do kids go from here....what MORE do they expect...look at the weddings of MOST people....$20,000 and up events!!! Ridiculous!! Keeping up with the Jones's is disgusting....especially if you don't have it.

Congratulations to you and your family on your daughter's joyous wedding. My sister's wedding was religious, traditional, simple and very elegant. Her wedding was centered on God and family.

I hope your daughter and her husband are as happy as my husband and I are - a blessing from God above.

BTW, I appreciate your posts - I always learn something from them.

Mazel tov, the "theme" should take care of itself.

A couple months ago a Catholic friend attended a Jewish-Catholic wedding (no, this isn't a joke). He said the Priest (honest) stayed mostly in the background, the Rabbi did most of the speaking, and the service took 30 minutes. He wondered if Jewish services always take that long. :>)

Whether you have money or not, such conspicuous consuption is just low class.

I may give my daughter a $100,000 trust fund for her future kid's education but I'll be damned if I'm going to throw her a $20,000 wedding.

The big dinner/party and gifts are NOT the point of a bar mitzvah. The purpose of a bar mitzvah is to demonstrate that the boy is now, for the purpose of the congregation, counted as an adult and this is demonstrated by having him lead the prayers and read from the Torah scroll, privileges available only to adults. The party, etc., are just lagniappe.

In fact, in Jewish law, a boy becomes a bar mitzvah solely by attaining the age of thirteen -- even without setting foot in a synagogue. And without any parties or gifts.

I am absolutely sure that non-Jews can cook up a pretext for giving their 13-year-olds a big party without having to churn up what would only be a parody of a solemn religious ceremony.

A lot of cultures have coming of age parties. Hispanic culture celebrates the "cumpleanos" for young women at age 15. The Japanese have "seijin no hi" at age 20.

In the U.S. we used to have "Sweet Sixteen" parties and debutante balls to celebrate and mark coming-of-age.

Ironically, culture celebrates youth so much these days, there seems to be far fewer real adults around.

The result is that some parents are giving them catered 13th birthday parties with all the trappings associated with bar- and bat-mitzvas these days, including DJs and dancers.

The most beautiful part of the entire thing is the one thing they do not copy, the passage into adulthood. Instead of demanding and treating their sons and daughters with respect and higher standards, copying the party and dropping the meaning is like taking the Babylon out of the Jews instead of the Jews out of Babylon.

Without the life style that teaches responsibility that leads to the Bat/Bar Mitsvah, the celebration has no meaning, but indulges the decadent lifestyle of youth worship that has infected America. It is like eating the wrapper and throwing away the candybar.

Thanks for the ping.

I am not Jewish. I am just a Zionist Christian, so I don't know if my opinion matters here. I have been to two bar-mitzvas. One was not quite as bad as the ones described in this article, but there was a DJ and loud rock music in a darkened room following a ceremony that seem like the boy was just going through the motions.

The other one, who had been a neighbor of ours, was just the opposite. Like a difference between night and day. The ceremony was moving while the boy having even learned the notes and he sang the Torah reading and gave an very insightful meaning of it. The celebration took place in a fully lighted room with a small Jewish band with even our neighbor boy playing his clarinet along with them. They did all the traditional Jewish dances and you could see the expression of joy in the faces of his relatives and Jewish friends of what this meant to Daniel and to them. Truly a blessing to have been there. I am looking forward to his sister's bat mizva sometime next year.

Congratulations on your daughter's wedding!

I don't see anything wrong with a nice party for bar and bat mitzvahs. But the extravagant and lavish ones in vogue now seem more designed for tastlessly showing off wealth than anything else. They leave a bad taste in my mouth. My kids went to alot of them when they were that age and even they found them silly.

We gave the kids nice parties, what I consider big parties even, for their bar and bat mitzvahs, with most of their friends invited, plus relatives coming in from out of town, but they were simple affairs compared to the rest they went to.

In both cases, the actual ceremony at the temple was the best part to me (and I'm not even religious).

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