Not all young bullies are boys

Seattle PI ^ | 1/27/04 | Deborah Bach

[Tumbleweed_Connection]

Rachel Simmons, author of two books on female bullying, has a confession to make -- she was once a bully herself.

Appearing at Seattle Girls' School yesterday during a cross-country tour promoting her new book, the 29-year-old Brooklynite came clean to a group of about 100 middle-schoolers.

Simmons told them about her best childhood friend. The pair were inseparable until ninth grade, when Simmons joined the popular clique and, at the whim of its leader, turned on her girlfriend. Without explanation, the group stopped talking to the girl, who was devastated.

"She eventually left the school and she never came back," Simmons told the roomful of girls, who listened raptly. "That's how much we hurt her."

Simmons' second book, "Odd Girl Speaks Out: Girls Write about Bullies, Cliques, Popularity and Jealousy," was published in December. A collection of poems, songs and essays, the book sheds light on the particular brand of nastiness girls inflict on one another.

Simmons contends there is a "hidden culture of girls' aggression," spawned by a society that denies girls the right to deal with conflict openly. Consequently, Simmons maintains, girls turn to covert forms of aggression: backbiting, exclusion, rumors and silence. Because anger is rarely articulated, the behavior flourishes beneath the radar of teachers and parents, making it nearly impossible to detect -- and often deeply wounding.

Yesterday, the middle schoolers shared their stories with Simmons and a panel of high school girls from Seattle's Holy Names Academy. Simmons has been hosting similar sessions around the country, abandoning the usual promotional bookstore appearances for what she calls "Oprah for girls" -- rap sessions intended to provide younger girls with advice, comfort in the knowledge that they're not alone, and a venue to articulate what they've experienced. Audiences, she said, have been responsive.

"I think the reason why they are so eager (to talk) is that there really just isn't, unfortunately, an opportunity for girls to ask questions about the underside of friendship, the hard parts, the awkward moments and the feelings of discomfort," Simmons said in an interview earlier in the day. "It's really hard to find advice about that and yet ironically, it's probably the subject that's closest to their hearts -- their friendships, their relationships."

Seattle Girls' School students talked about being suddenly abandoned by friends, about being upstaged by them, about feeling devastatingly alone in a group of peers. Simmons -- an animated speaker whose talk is peppered with girlspeak like "ohmygod," and "whatever" -- empathized and offered insight. She talked about the forms of aggression girls engage in, from the social aggression that involves attacking someone's self-esteem or reputation, to the indirect aggression that might prompt a girl to "accidentally" trip and slam someone into a locker.

Girls practice their aggression secretly, Simmons told the group, "because we expect girls to play by different rules than boys. Girls are not allowed in our society to be angry, to be upset. They're told that a good girl is a nice girl."

Marja Brandon, head of the private Seattle Girls' School, said that when Simmons contacted her in late summer about making a second appearance at the school, she welcomed her back.

"For boys it's OK to show your emotions and be direct. For girls, somehow being direct isn't ladylike," Brandon said. "I think she does a great service by naming it, addressing it and letting us discuss some of those behaviors."

Simmons has been on both sides of the bullying divide. The impetus for her bestseller "Odd Girl Out," published in 2002, dates back to a third-grade classmate named Abby. The girl turned Simmons' best friend against her, and soon persuaded the remainder of her friends to follow suit. Sixteen years later, as a Rhodes scholar studying at Oxford, Simmons found herself still trying to make sense of what had happened with Abby. She headed to the library, expecting to find reams of research on girl aggression.

The dearth of information she encountered prompted Simmons to send an e-mail to her friends in the United States, asking for women's stories about female aggression. Within a day she was deluged with responses, and soon had a book contract.

Simmons studied political science and women's studies at Vassar College, and was skeptical that she could break new ground on gender studies. But the response she encountered while working on her book indicated otherwise. "Everywhere I went -- checkout lines, hair salons, a long-distance operator when I was signing up for a plan -- everyone who heard what I was doing became immediately emotional and connected," she said.

While researching "Odd Girl Out," Simmons got back in touch with the childhood friend she scorned, who was also working in Washington, D.C. They met for coffee one day, and the woman confronted Simmons about the past.

Simmons, who had denied the behavior to herself, ended up apologizing.

"Amazingly," she said, "now we're good friends."

[prion]

Simmons contends there is a "hidden culture of girls' aggression," spawned by a society that denies girls the right to deal with conflict openly.

What is it with people who observe a behavior and immediately assume it wanted to be some other behavior, but 'society' wouldn't let it? My guess is, this is the way girls normally do aggression.

[ReagansShinyHair]

I've read her book. She twists facts a lot and it seems like she just wanted to get what she thought would be a lucrative story.

[KellyAdmirer]

So she was a witch in school, and now she is even making money off it. Nice work if you can get it, or, rather, nice scam.

[not_apathetic_anymore]

This is kind of an interesting follow-up (or looks like it could be) to last night's brief discussion starting here on how women do not tend to deal with conflict openly.

[Outlaw76]

I've read her book. She twists facts a lot and it seems like she just wanted to get what she thought would be a lucrative story."

That's too bad. I overlooked the 'because society...' nonsense hoping to find a book that helped my daughter understand how and why girls do stuff like that so she could better protect herself.

[jscd3]

My guess is, this is the way girls normally do aggression

You are right, of course. As a father with two daughters (and two boys) I see girl aggression all the time; as has any parent with daughters.

What is it with this generation that makes them think that they are discovering something that no one else ever has every time they pull their heads out of their asses...

And what is it with paying real money for books "documenting" the most banal observations?

Now, if this "researcher" were real creative, she might want to try investigating why, with a billion or so feminist "studies" on the aggression of men, she was not able to find any on girls. Perhaps she is concerned that she would bump into too many PC shiboleths, such as girls are always victims (and therefore never aggressors).

[tiamat]

Girls can be really nasty.

If a boy doesn't like you, he'll just slug you.

Girls do Psychological Terrorism and enlist gangs.

Tia

[tiamat]

Tell your daughter to hang out with the chess club. The boys there will treat her well, and not be much of a threat.

AV, Debate or Sci Fi are good choices too.

Tia

( Once and Future Geek)

[mrs. a]

I'm shocked, yes, shocked to hear that girls bully as well as boys.

This navel-gazing is getting to be just too much. When I was a young girl, I was sometimes bullied by other girls - and I sometimes bullied other girls myself. Yes, it was painful when the other chicks ganged up on me. It's also painful for me to remember the nasty things I did and said to the girls I picked on.

I don't want to sound as though a child's hurt feelings have no validity, but it certainly can't help them to pick and pick and pick at the scab.

This is a universal experience. It's called being a kid. Suck it up and drive on.

[Mears]

Great post.

I raised 3 sons and 2 daughters and now have 3 grandsons and 3 grandaughters.

Junior high can be hell for some,and it was even that way when I was young but kids survive.

Boys fight physically and girls shun eachother and whisper behind eachothers' backs but they all grow up and move on.

These are rites of passage.

[Kay Syrah]

Well, my daughter had the same problem in fifth grade, she wasn't a target, but there was a group that was led by a very sweet, intelligent, hardworking, beloved of the teachers, girl in which there was constant turmoil. All the girls were always fighting and switching allegiances, etc, you know the drill. Anyway. I told my daughter that gossip was the coin, and to protect herself and others, she should never say anything about anyone to anyone, that she would be ashamed to have repeated to the person. Period end of discussion. I also told her what her teachers and the girls themselves refused to admit. That this girl was trouble, and although she always seemed to be above the fray, everywhere she went, there was pain and dissention.

It's asking a lot of a young girl not to join in the group agressions, and she will probably fail, now and again, but my daughter was at least able to see that when the tales came back to bite her, she had no one to blame but herself, and feeling that her "confidences" read gossip were betrayed got her no where, cause she was responsible for what came out of her own mouth. I was sympathetic as in, "its too bad you said that honey, I know how bad it makes you feel." LOL. But there are lots of ways girls can throw the elbow. It takes a basic understanding of how the girls work. Which is underground and nasty. IMHO. Anyway my daughter is a pretty direct woman, and she hates gossip.

[ReagansShinyHair]

daughter understand how and why girls do stuff like that so she could better protect herself.

I didn't mean it was totally worthless. It could still be helpful to read, it just suffered from a bit of "chicken little syndrome". I read it because I am a teacher and watch for that sort of thing in the classroom. It does say in the book that teachers should be more involved with that kind of thing and not just turn a blind eye to it. I agree. Teachers can have a big influence in the way a class relates to each other by teaching proper behavior, social skills, and how to stand up for oneself.

[Reddy]

My niece goes to middle school in Northern California. She was telling me about how horrible some of the girls treat others. They have a practice called "shunning", where a girl who falls out of favor is totally ignored by the other girls.

This same type of behavior occurred in my junior high days, but no one had a name for it. It wasn't even discussed!

[fly_so_free]

"Girls do psychological terroism and enlist gangs"

Yep, they sure do. My entire 6th grade year was a living hell becuase of one of these(girl bullies). I had never said a word to her, but for some reason she hated me. It started with insults and got worse from there. She and her friends would chase me home almost everyday. One time she caught me and threw me down a hill into a rose bush(she was a big girl). Fortunately, I didn't run into her again (we went to different Jr highs) until high school. She didn't bother me there. I looked her up on one of those high school web-sites and found out she's working at Wal Mart and never went to college. Ha!-poetic justice.

Yes, girls can definately be bullies, but I don't think it's a "society doesn't let girls express themeselves " thing. Kids are just mean to each other.

Interesting poll I read in a womans magazine that something like 61% of women if given the choice to have a male or female boss, would prefer a male boss. I bet this is related to the gossip /backstabbing that women do to each other.

[tiamat]

Sounds like you had the same time at school as me!

I got bullied a lot.

I agree about the boss thing. I don't like most other women in real life. I don't trust them. But guys will usually treat you better.

Tia

[Arpege92]

"This is a universal experience. It's called being a kid. Suck it up and drive on."

My father was in the military and because he was in the military, I went to many different schools. Being the new kid and girl in school all of the time, put me in the line of fire by the not so nice girls. At first, I didn't know how to handle it, but it dawned on me one day to just fight back when getting picked on by a group of girls. Not one of these girls bothered me again....in fact, I became friends with some of them.

I still apply this type of defense today when the "wives gossip club" starts their nonsense with me. It's unbelievable that grown women actually behave this way...but they do.

anyway....I like your motto "suck it up and drive on"!

[Ronaldus Magnus Reagan]

I'm a guy that was bullied for a year in Jr. High. I ended up having a fight with the kid and it basically ended up to be a draw. He never bothered me again. But then, many years later, I learned that he was gay. That got me to thinking that perhaps some bullies in school are actually learning that they are gay and are sexually attracted to their targets and are trying to fight those inner feelings by resorting to intimidation and violence. Interesting theory, huh?

[The Electrician]

Yep, especially when they point their fingers at American society. Can she actually point to a list of societies where such behaviors do not take place (other than in her dreams)? I doubt it...

[lilylangtree]

As a woman, I can testify that females can be vicious b*tches. That's one of the main reasons when I was expecting my child I wanted a male child so bad that I wouldn't know what to do with a female child. Luckily, my prayers were answered with a son.