Morford: Now With 147 Blades That Sing

San Francisco Chronicle ^ | Wednesday, January 21, 2004 | Mark Morford; shaving one's scrotum is a delicate operation

[presidio9]

In response to Schick-Wilkinson Sword's new premium razor, the Quattro, which sports a stack of not two, not three, but four full blades, Gillette has launched an ultra-manly super-deluxe high-tech new razor that sends electric pulses through the handle to induce hair to stand on end and requires a battery and is colored "electric green," like a video game.

[presidio9]

Oh no! She's back on the meds:(

[Clemenza]

I guess Morford just recovered from his "hangover" after the Tea Dance last night...

[presidio9]

"where's my Zoloft home enema kit?"

Morford hinting at why her Bush obsession is not pulling so strongly today.

[Jack Wilson]

Wouldn't 148 blades raise the ante a bit?

[NYCVirago]

This has gotta be a record. He didn't bash Bush once in the whole column!

[Johnny_Cipher]

Mark Morford; shaving one's scrotum is a delicate operation

Objection, Your Honor. Plaintiff is alleging a fact not in evidence.

[KarlInOhio]

Morford hinting at why her Bush obsession is not pulling so strongly today.

Not so strongly, but still pulling at least some:

his eyes narrowing into tiny slits of Rumsfeld-like evil

[presidio9]

My observation in no way attests to Morford's posession of said organ.

[Johnny_Cipher]

My observation in no way attests to Morford's posession of said organ.

Understood. Morford might indeed be in possession of said organ while not necessarily being equipped with one himself.

[.cnI redruM]

>>>>>>"Damn plebeian lemmingheads will buy anything Mach 3 Mega Pulse Ultra Bulge Crotch Turbo 10-Pack gurgle gurgle suckers where's my Zoloft home enema kit."

There are no people outside the field of Proctology that know, or for that matter should know as much about home enema kits as Mark Morford.

[spodefly]

The new razors from Gillette and Schick came as no surprise to Norelco, which is making final adjustments on a new, digitally enhanced all-whalebone razor that, when correctly calibrated, yanks every hair follicle out of your face using 15,000 precision-honed tweezers each manned by incredibly rare and infinitesimally tiny magic squid grown in special incubators somewhere off the Jersey Turnpike.

That sounds good, but can I use while driving around in my SUV with an assault-rifle in the gun rack and talking on my tri-band cell phone ordering tickets to the Monster Truck show at the IncrediDome?

[skinkinthegrass]

I'm waiting for the razor-sharp 60-blade thingee that looks like a miniature push-mower to be develop for the legs, back, chest, face and head...whirling @ 600 rps. :)

[thoughtomator]

Gillette, undeterred, has been long rumored to be developing a secret multiblade razor code named "Hot Bunny Doom" that will shave your cat and parallel park the SUV and translate what the hell your wife is blabbering on about into comprehensible English, all while programming the TiVo to tape only sports shows featuring guys with no necks who like to crush stuff with their foreheads.

Wow, it translates wife to English? Who needs a shave if you can do that?

[Mr. Mojo]

He didn't bash Bush once in the whole column!

His column never even goes near bush.

[bootless]

How tedjious.

Miss Morford is walking on the ragged edge of utter insanity. Maybe someone jimmied his computer so it honks whenever he hits the space bar.

[Billthedrill]

I thoroughly enjoyed this one, thanks for posting. Miss Morford's boyfriend might remind him that not all razors are intended for one's face, know whumsayin'?

"A culture gets exactly the type of hilariously wasteful and tragicomic landfill crap it deserves," he added, thinking he was all clever but really just being sort of annoyingly academic and not helping matters much.

Well, yes...

It's very simple. Stuff is cool. Quit buying it and they'll quit making it. In the meantime, if I want a 147-blade, electrostatic-powered butt razor I'll buy one with the money I earn placing the iron boot of oppression on the collective neck of the Third World, and I won't ask Morford to kiss my newly baby-smooth buttocks because he'd probably really do it.

[JOAT]

What?!?!?A "Morford" column that never mentions Bushco or anal beads?

Methinks they've replaced the real Morford with Folgers® crystals to see if anyone noticed.

[Democratshavenobrains]

Any bets on whether Morford acknowledges Dean's mental breakdown Monday night? If Bush did it, he would devote 4 months to it.

[Forgiven_Sinner]

ROTFLMAO!!! This is the funniest thing I've read on FR since the last Mark Steyn article.

As political/economic commentary, my response is, "Why not?" Variety is the natural result of free enterprise and freedom. What's wrong with that?

[ArrogantBustard]

15,000 precision-honed tweezers each manned by incredibly rare and infinitesimally tiny magic squid grown in special incubators somewhere off the Jersey Turnpike.

I shudder to think of what morford would do if it got hold of those magic squid ... but it would probably be illegal. In Iowa, anyway ...