Posted on 01/13/2004 1:02:35 PM PST by redpoll
All Alaskans should support President Bush's soon-to-be-announced plan to establish a permanent human colony on the moon.
Why? Simple. Job opportunities.
The moon is cold, dark, lonely and a long way away from the continental United States.
Remind you of anywhere?
So when the folks at NASA get around to figuring out who to send, who will they pick?
That's right. Us.
At least that's who they should pick. I mean, ask yourself this. If your lunar rover got a flat, who would you rather see coming around the crater? Some guy in one of those Pillsbury Doughboy suits who grew up in Chicago and has a Ph.D in astronautics? Or a fellow from Tok driving a beater pick-up full of rusty tools and dogs?
Of course, somebody would have to figure out how to make a spacesuit for a dog. But that's just details. As long as it can be patched with duct tape, practically anything will do.
Clearly, what the moon colony needs are people with practical experience in a forbidding climate. Not a bunch of button-pushing fitness fanatics with zero experience trying to put a generator back together at 30 below.
I suppose you might want a few clean-cut astronauts to fly the spaceship. But maybe not. Ever met an Alaskan who couldn't drive anything made by man?
Now, let's see. Thrusters. Thrusters. Must be this switch right here. No? Well that's where they should have been. Somebody slap something over that open hatch while I try another switch.
Getting the NASA bureaucrats to see the sense in sending a bunch of Alaskans to the moon might take some time. I'm sure they'll want to use young, fit, morally upright people. We'd have a tough time scraping together enough of those to make a colony.
But we wouldn't need to. After all, they sent John Glenn back into space and he was, what, 76? Anybody want to bet that Wally Hickel wouldn't survive the trip to the moon just fine? And hit the lunar surface giving orders?
Besides, all we'd have to do to convince the bean counters is take them to Bethel. Let them walk around a little bit, then say, "OK. Moon. Bethel. Get the point?"
In fact, we might create the colony just by grabbing up everybody in Bethel and sending them. True, Bethel does have oxygen in its atmosphere, but otherwise the moon's pretty much an across-the-board upgrade.
Or we could have a contest to select the colonists. Some really difficult test of survival skills. Running the Iditarod, maybe. Or combat fishing on the Kenai. Or maybe something really taxing, like Friday night at Chilkoots. Just send the survivors straight to the Kennedy Space Center and start colonizing. Why, they'd be halfway there before most of them sobered up.
Not that they'd mind being chosen. There is a lot that should appeal to Alaskans in going to the moon.
For one thing, if what you want to do is get far, far away from your alimony payments and perhaps a slight misunderstanding involving law enforcement, the Sea of Tranquility is even better than Eek.
For another, Frank Murkowski's not governor there.
For a third, no environmentalists will get in the way every time you want to fire up your solar-powered bulldozer. I mean, what are they going to say? That we have to protect the lifeless environment of the moon?
Come to think of it, that's probably what they would say.
Still, the advantages seem to outweigh the disadvantages. True, colonizing the moon is a government project, and Alaskans are generally down on government. But we don't seem to mind the government so much when it's spending money on us. And I'm betting that colonizing the moon is going to be the biggest darn capital project in American history. Why, it'll probably cost more than Ted Stevens brings home in a whole year.
So Alaskans should get behind this idea in a big way.
Not that we shouldn't ask questions. Important questions, like: Will there be gun control on the moon? Can you brew beer there? And, the most important question of all, will I still qualify for a Permanent Fund dividend?
As long as the answers are right, colonizing the moon is just the job for Alaskans. In the span of a generation we could establish a society every bit as stiff-necked and cross-grained as the one we have here.
I mean, really. Last Frontier? Final Frontier? What's the difference?
Mike Doogan's opinion column appears each Tuesday, Friday and Sunday. He can be reached at 257-4350 or mdoogan@adn.com
(Excerpt) Read more at adn.com ...
Ah to be inside again...
Seems like only yesterday, I was barely 18, living on the beach in Homer, working cannery/fishing/sawmill and whatever else I could do. I'll be back someday...
My kids still drool over some of the pictures I took way back then....
I already got those Chicanos lined up as our Iraq settlers. They are used to the desert. They are good workers. And with street gangs ala LA, those ramadamadingdongragamuffin insurgents will get their fanatical butts kicked.
Or Chilkoot Charlie's. They used to put sawdust on the floors. I think it was to sop up the blood...
I know the feeling. I've been getting that "inevitable" word whenever I think about going back...sigh...you either love it or you hate it, but you always go back.
P.S. If you don't believe me, take a look at my profile page...
Gov't construction projects. Perfect. The Alyeska Pipeline, TAPS, wasn't actually gov't, but next best thing to it.
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