Why I am a Democrat

IowaHawk ^ | January 1, 2004 | IowaHawk

[gcruse]

I sometimes hear the question, "Why are you a Democrat?" and frankly, I have to laugh. Laugh and laugh, because perhaps this person may tire of my laughing, and he will eventually wander off. Sometimes I ponder seriously when I hear this question, because I'll look around and around and there's nobody there asking the question. Why am I a Democrat?

I am a Democrat because I believe everyone deserves a chance. And if necessary, a second chance. And if, by the eighth or ninth chance, this guy needs another chance, I mean, come on. This guy is due.

I am a Democrat because I believe in helping those in need. All of us, you and I, have an obligation to those less fortunate. You go first, okay? I'm a little short this week.

I am a Democrat because I believe in the equality of all people, regardless of their race. That is why I think we should give free medical degrees to minorities because, well, duh. Like any of those types are going to make it through medical school.

I am a Democrat because I fervently believe in tolerance. Tolerance is critical in our diverse society, and if you have a problem with that, mister, then I will inform the authorities and I bet that after a few hours in their "special room" you too will agree that tolerance is critical.

I am a Democrat because I believe that we should take our noses out of other people's bedrooms. I say we move the noses to their banks and storage sheds and scout troops, and so forth.

I am a Democrat because I hold sacred freedom of the press, as well as freedom of the TV and freedom of the movie. Where I draw the line is freedom of the talk radio, and don't even get me started about that damn Internet business.

I am a Democrat because I recognize that education is important. Very, very, extremely very important. We must increase spending on education and enact important education reforms, such as eliminating standardized tests. Because we can never hope to measure this beautiful, elusive, important thing we call education.

I am a Democrat because I believe in the separation of church and state. We must stop the religious extremists who want school-sanctioned prayers. Now, you tell me - with all that chanting and praying and incense-burning going on, how can our kids concentrate on the big condom-and-banana midterm?

I am a Democrat because I believe in the rights of women, be they lawyers or housewives or skanky interns. For too long women have been the victims of discrimination, and we must target programs to help these women, and also the various people who have descended from women.

I am a Democrat because I believe in women's right to choose. I mean, not a church school or a tax shelter, or something like that, obviously. Let's be reasonable.

I am a Democrat because I believe in the rule of law. Or, at least, lawyers. Because hey, according to my attorney, I could have been on the Number 7 bus when it crashed yesterday. As far as you know.

I am a Democrat because I believe a healthy economy depends on good jobs at good wages. So fork 'em over, you fat bastard boss man.

I am a Democrat because I believe the government should step in to create good jobs when that fat bastard boss man moves my good job to Mexico. Hey, I know! Maybe we can take all the money that boss man spends on non-job-creating stuff, like solid gold yachts and mink spats, and use that money to create jobs.

I am a Democrat because I fear the power of giant unrestrained monopolies, such as Microsoft, Nike, Parker Brothers, Univac and the Erie Canal Company. The government must wage an unrelenting, all-out war to crush these scary monopolies to a pulp before they get too powerful.

I am a Democrat because I believe in a strong military. Strong, yes, but caring and thoughtful too, and ready to face new challenges. A military that enjoys long strolls on the beach, cuddling in front of a warm fire, unafraid to show its vulnerable side. Must be NS/DDF.

I am a Democrat because I believe there is too much violence in society, especially in our schools. To avoid another Columbine tragedy, we should have mellow "rap" sessions with at-risk teens, such as the Goths. The violence will only end after the teen Goths see that we adults really care, and are "hip" to their groovy teen Goth scene.

I am a Democrat because I believe in campaign finance reform. Sadly, our politics are dominated by advertisements, paid for by the contributions of giant corporations. All too often, these drown out legitimate grassroots opinions, like the kind heard on TimeWarner-AOL-CNN, TimesCorp, or Disney-ABC.

I am a Democrat because I believe in public support of the arts. By "the arts," I of course mean those things made by, or excreted by, an artist of some sort. It is especially important that art be provocative and take controversial stances, like opposing Jesse Helms, and so on.

I am a Democrat because I believe in the environment and conservation. For instance, we must raise the price of gasoline, like they do in Europe, to increase conservation. If we don't, there will soon be a big gas shortage, and this will mean higher gasoline prices for you and me.

I am a Democrat because I detest greed. Especially the sickening greed of those who struck it rich in the 1980s, and greedily refuse to give me any of their stuff. I am a Democrat because I... hey look! A new episode of Survivor! Geez, I hope they don't vote off Jenna, she's my favorite.

[Libertina]

Too bad LawMAKERS aren't entitled LawSTREAMLINERS / REPEALERS so they could live up to it! ;)

[Scenic Sounds]

Can you tell who reads past the first line in an article and who doesn't? ;)

Well, I kind of promised I wouldn't, Gary. Let me see if I can get special permission to tell you. If I tell you, will you keep it secret? ;-)

[edsheppa]

I am a DemocRAT because it's easier than working.

I am a DemocRAT because it's easier than thinking.

[MoralSense]

b

[Vermonter]

For those that don't know, Iowahawk is a long time FReeper. His wit, wisdon and humor can be found at his website http://iowahawk.typepad.com/

[Vermonter]

ping!

[Blue Collar Christian]

Good point. Never thought of it that way. I wonder if the title itself lends to the tendancy.

[gcruse]

It's too late. #44 has already let the 'crat out of the bag.

[ReleaseTheHounds]

Nicely done!

I like your pointing out all those scary monopolies, especially the Erie Canal. Reminds me of an old videotape of a Phil Donohue show from around 1978: Phil was interviewing Milton Friedman and just wailing at the "scary and almighty ITT! What are we going to do about ITT? They are so large and so powerful -- how can they be stopped? They rival the Federal Government in their financial strength and influence!" What a hoot!

[AppyPappy]

I am a Democrat because I believe in the rule of law. The rule of law has sustained the country for centuries and the most important rule is fairness. It must be fair. And it must stay out of my bedroom and private life and concentrate on those idiots who have guns and don't wear seat belts.

[jellybean]

Excellent satire as always!!

Where ya been keepin' yerself???

[FrogMom]

I am a DemocRAT because it's easier than working.

...or thinking.

[KC_Conspirator]

That one from Burge is one of my favorites, besides the story about Algore being attacked by muscle cars and the feminists on spring break.

I am a Democrat because I fervently believe in tolerance. Tolerance is critical in our diverse society, and if you have a problem with that, mister, then I will inform the authorities and I bet that after a few hours in their "special room" you too will agree that tolerance is critical.

This is more true that most would like to admit.

[MEG33]

You'll love this..LOL!

[Volunteer]

This was great!
I am the token Republican in my area at a left-leaning university (oh like there is any other type of university these days.) I get a LOT of the "how can you be Republican?"
Here is what I tell them:
I vote Republican because I truly believe that people CAN. Voting Democrat is an admission that you think people CAN'T - at least not without other people's money & a lot of "help" from D.C.
Keep the faith folks - we are winning.

[Ann Archy]

I am a Democrat because it's too hard to think for myself....my union and my party do that for me.

[Destructor]

I am a Democrat, so that I can still vote after I die.

[Kevin Curry]

"I am a Democrat because I believe government has the best ideas on how to spend your money, e.g., the check I get every month."

[Gritty]

I am a Democrat because I believe in honesty in government. Unlike Cheney who still runs Haliburton and Bush who is in the pocket of Big Oil and his friends the Saudis, Democrats prefer their politicians to be clean - like President Clinton.

After all, the partisan Republicans never got President Clinton on the trumped up charges of Whitewater, Travelgate, Waco, James Riady, Jennifer Flowers, Coffeegate, Chinese money Laundering, selling missile secrets to the Chinese, selling nuclear secrets to the Chinese, accepting campaign cash for favors, money laundering, Vince Foster, Ron Brown, selling Presidential pardons, cavorting with known drug dealers, James McDougal, eviserating our intelligence and military services, letting bin Laden go, Elian Gonzalez, using military attacks to cover his sex scandals and perjury, Monicagate, Oklahoma City, impeachment, campaign finance irregularities, deleting all the White House e-mails under investigation, witholding White House files from Special Prosecutors, using the FBI to get blackmailing files on his political enemies, hiring Craig Livingstone, destroying supoenaed evidence, using his office to destroy his enemies, sexual harrassment, threatening witnesses, tampering with evidence and all the other imaginary things the Republicans dreamed up just to besmirch his good name.

Unlike Bush and Cheney, President Clinton was a good Democrat and the type man everybody should emulate, follow, and elect to five more terms if we could only finally get rid of that little nuisance clause in the Constitution and let it breathe free!

[gcruse]

Lest we forget...
Good post.