Washington DC--Representative Christopher Shays, who was knocking his knees over the prospect of celebrating on New Years Eve 2003 in Times Square, may switch parties on the first full business day of 2004.Posted on 01/01/2004 12:58:24 AM PST by Recovering_Democrat
Washington DC--Representative Christopher Shays, who was knocking his knees over the prospect of celebrating on New Years Eve 2003 in Times Square, may switch parties on the first full business day of 2004.
"We're looking at a number of options. Since the President has taken terrorism head on and Congressman Shays is prepared to roll over and let the terrorists win, we think the Republican Party might be a bit too war-mongering," said Shays spokesperson Justin Case, "We don't believe the Democrat Party is appropriate, either, since they at least give lip service to protecting America." Comments from the Congressman himself were impossible, Case explained, as Shays was locked in a closet in a basement in "rural" Connecticut.
Three leading third-party alternatives have publicly called upon Shays to become their highest-profile officeholder.
The Pansy Party, founded in Lilac, Connecticut, long adoptive of a pacifist philosophy of political rule, has meekly issued a press release begging Shays to join them. "We're hoping Mr. Shays will consider coming to our side, if not, well, that's okay too. We'll wait and do whatever it takes," said Pansy President Paul Pantywaist.
Another suitor of Shays' is the Chicken Liver Party, founded in 1941 by an unemployed cafeteria janitor. The Chicken Livers pride themselves on not just pacificism, but "militant pacificism". Current Liver Ombudsman Ima Nee Nocker explains: "Our way of spreading fear and nervousness fits right in with what Congressman Shays did last December. We believe forthrightly in the responsibility of elected representatives to show true fear in the face of a threat. Congressman Shays fit the bill perfectly--he acknowledged the threat but then he also said he was going to allow the terrorists to keep him from celebrating in his own country. This behaviour would make him the perfect Chicken Liver Candidate."
Finally, the Northern U.S. Chapter of the Scaredy Cat Party is trying to woo Shays to their tent. Scaredy Cats, known until 1972 as the "Chicken Littles" are distinguished by their ability to look for reasons to back down from nearly any conceivable enemy.
"We thought taking on the Soviets was a risky scheme," says Scaredy spokesperson Frank Lee Awuss, "same for the Grenadian invaders, the Panamanians, the Japanese, and the Nazis. So we won a few wars--so what? What if we would've lost?! Then what?!"
Scaredy cats believe the world's troubles in the modern era began with the Monroe Doctrine. "Monroe--that warmonger--he started all the problems we've got today," says Awuss. James Monroe, President from 1817-1825, adopted a strategy of making the U.S. the dominant nation in the Western hemisphere--disallowing any nation from Europe further conquest without U.S. approval.
"We're just afraid, you know, that all this war against terrorists will make them madder. We hope Mr. Shays, now that he has seen the light, will join our side."
Which side Shays will ultimately join remains to be seen, though observers say he may make his decision by Friday.
I think he needs to join those pu$$ies!
BTW, Shays got an ACU rating of 48.
HUH??? Why would a spokesperson for Shays say Shays "is prepared to roll over and let the terrorists win"???? This makes no sense to me. Maybe too much New Years cheering, I dunno, but I'm highly skeptical of this.
Have a great new year.
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