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I know you mean well.

However, I also know he'd suffered on and off from depression for years. And the level of misunderstanding which has been displayed by some here about what is a highly-stigmatised ILLNESS, only makes things worse.

I can't be angry at him, though. That would be as pointless and stupid as being angry with cancer. His was a cancer of the soul, and although his own hand might have been the means of his demise, I know exactly what the culprit was. It was an illness which is all the more insidious for being primarily in the mind, rather than originating from the body.

I know I wasn't to blame, although my own demons might try to tell me that, in darker moments.

And whilst I'm all for the concept of personal responsibility for one's own actions, I know that Chris wasn't to blame for this. By the time he left us, he wasn't Chris any more... and that's what breaks my heart.

However, I also know he'd suffered on and off from depression for years. And the level of misunderstanding which has been displayed by some here about what is a highly-stigmatised ILLNESS, only makes things worse.

I hope you know that I do not stigmatise mental illness or depression. I've gotten an education in the last few years about the reality of mental conditions, after having been in denial about them most of my life.

I can't be angry at him, though. That would be as pointless and stupid as being angry with cancer.

I understand. It's my way of dealing with this, and any other suicides. Anger is my first step in dealing with it. My grandmother -- an important person in my life -- killed herself.

I know I wasn't to blame, although my own demons might try to tell me that, in darker moments.

It sounds like you are already in a fair place about this. You are correct in assessing your place. You also, throughout this message, exhibit a great deal of intelligence and wisdom.

And whilst I'm all for the concept of personal responsibility for one's own actions, I know that Chris wasn't to blame for this. By the time he left us, he wasn't Chris any more... and that's what breaks my heart.

I hadn't thought of that. That's a very wise take on it.

I know I wasn't to blame, although my own demons might try to tell me that, in darker moments.

Dear heart, it was NOT your fault, and don't let any demons try to sneak in at tired moments and whisper such lies to you.

Your husband reminds me old my old high friend's son, only he committed suicide at 18 right before his high school graduation. Jerrod had been diagnosed as depressed as a young child, and been off and on Prozac since childhood. He had had excellent psychologists for years to talk to any time he wanted. He loved his parents, they were very close to their only son and sought every help possible for him. Jerrod had mentioned in 8th grade that he felt suicidal and the school consulers called his parents immediately. Everyone worked together and Jerrod seemed fine for years after going back to Prozac daily.

But Jerrod had gotten off Prozac about three months before his death. He hoped he didn't need it anymore. THERE WAS NO WARNING, and he had loving parents, friends, help available - but he said nothing to anyone. All seemed great, he had an after school job assembling computers, a beautiful new pickup truck, college acceptance letters, and a fine girlfriend whom he was taking to a concert in two weeks.

Then one afternoon, shortly before high school graduation, Jerrod came home and blew his brains out. He left a very detailed suicide note, full funeral instructions, lots of apologies - and the reason. It was simple: the hopeless black depression was coming back, and he just couldn't fight it any more. He'd fought it most of his young life, and he had lost hope in even trying Prozac again. He was worn out and could see nothing but that black despairing pain never leaving him in this life.

His girlfriend, his host of friends, school consulars, and parents didn't have any idea at all that he was even lightly depressed. His girlfriend tried blaming herself that she should have "seen some sign". But his mother who had tried so hard to help him since his early childhood knew it wasn't anyone's fault. Jerrod just couldn't face that soul-sucking depressive hell coming on again. The battle seemed hopeless, and he was so tired.

Some people have a battle that those born with luckier brain chemistry never know. Chris was a very well-liked and respected FReeper as you can tell. He bore his torment with wit and bravery, and he was so kind to others here. In his mind/brain/emotions, he must have gone through hell for years, but we can trust that he is being comforted and at peace in a far better place right now.

God bless you, dear heart, and give FR's love to all Chris's family.

I posted a response early on in this thread suspecting suicide, but did not want to speculate. It seems rather evident now, so I will share with you what I have.

On Sept 11, 1996 (ironic date, I know), my wife's brother and only sibling, very unexpectedly committed suicide. Although circumstantially different from Chris, the effect on our extended family is sure to be the same. Like Laz, I was initially very angry with my brother-in-law. If we had had any hint of something wrong, any member of his family would have done any and everything possible to intervene. For me, that was the most difficult aspect of it, was that I wasn't able to do anything to stop it. And I carried that guilt for some time, even with the knowledge that it wasn't my fault.

It sounds like you have healthy attitude about what has happened. But I know how those emotions are going to fluctuate for a while. On minute you love and miss him, the next you want to slap him upside the head. I don't know haw religious or spiritual you are, but if I can share one bit of wisdom from my experience it is this: God will not place anything on your plate that he will not at the same time give you the strength to deal with. You have only to seek his help. Since I only learned this through the experience of my brother-in-laws suicide, I was never able to offer this to him, and I'm sorry for being to late to help Chris.

Vic