I hope you know that I do not stigmatise mental illness or depression. I've gotten an education in the last few years about the reality of mental conditions, after having been in denial about them most of my life.
I can't be angry at him, though. That would be as pointless and stupid as being angry with cancer.
I understand. It's my way of dealing with this, and any other suicides. Anger is my first step in dealing with it. My grandmother -- an important person in my life -- killed herself.
I know I wasn't to blame, although my own demons might try to tell me that, in darker moments.
It sounds like you are already in a fair place about this. You are correct in assessing your place. You also, throughout this message, exhibit a great deal of intelligence and wisdom.
And whilst I'm all for the concept of personal responsibility for one's own actions, I know that Chris wasn't to blame for this. By the time he left us, he wasn't Chris any more... and that's what breaks my heart.
I hadn't thought of that. That's a very wise take on it.