Posted on 12/11/2003 7:49:44 AM PST by aorto57
Rush Limbaugh
Decision: “Do I make a racial reference about popular Eagles quarterback and Campbell’s Chunky Soup spokesperson Donavan McNabb, thus setting myself up for national ridicule, embarrassing myself, creating a situation that will cause the media to put me under a microscope thus uncovering the fact I am a drug addict and losing a nice cushy gig with ESPN (or) do I keep my mouth shut?” MEGA DITTO YUTZ FOR RUSH.
Kobe Bryant
Decision: “Do I remain faithful to my vows to my drop dead gorgeous loving wife and family, maintain my reputation as a solid citizen, consider my position as a positive role model to millions of kids, be satisfied with the fact that I am one of the most popular and wealthy athletes in America (or) do I take some woman I’ve never met to my hotel room for a quickie?” SLAM DUNK YUTZ AND A FREE SIX-PACK OF THINKPATCH DINKPATCHES.
Special Parental Category
Decision: “Let’s give little Johnny a Rawlings catcher’s mitt, let him pierce his tongue, have Brittany Spears fantasies and live the life of a normal 12-year old? (or) “Nah… lets drop him off at Neverland Ranch for the weekend.” A REAL COIN TOSS. THE YUTZ FAMILY ROBINSON.
Martha Stewart
Decision: “Do I continue to live as an admired icon of a woman’s ability to succeed in a man’s world – as a billionaire with a squeaky clean image, successful TV Show, magazine and public following (or) do I dump a handful of shares of IMCLONE stock, get indicted by the SEC and face jail time in order to save three dollars and eighty-five cents?” IT’S A YUTZ THING.
Glenn Campbell
We suspect the title of Mr. Campbell’s next song might be “Going to Hell in a Handbasket.” First he gets rip-snortin’ drunk, gets in an accident with another car and leaves the scene. Then the cops come and pick him up, bring him in, book him and – just minutes from being released to waiting friends and family Mr. Campbell has a decision to make. He can either simply sign a couple of papers and leave the station with waiting friends and family (or) he can mistake one of the burly male Phoenix police sergeants for Dixie Chick Natalie Maines and kick him in the leg while shouting for all to hear “I’m gonna kick you right in the Corpus Christi!” YUTZ WITH TRUE GRITS.
Jeffrey Skilling
Decision: “Do I operate my multi-billion dollar energy corporation in an honest and ethical manner, reporting earnings and losses like everyone else does and do the best I can with the cards I’m dealt (or) do I rig the deck, set up phony corporations, hide assets that don’t exist, ruin thousands of lives and drive two international corporations out of business?” MBA YUTZ.
Vladimir Putin
Decision: “Do I act like Uruguay and agree to be one of the 50+ nations supporting the war in Iraq without having to risk anything thus protecting my relationship with the only nation that could possibly help my country get out of debt (or) do I tell the President of the United States to shove it?” DR. YUTZVAGO WOULD BE PROUD.
Trent Lott
Decision: “I’ve been invited to attend the 100th birthday party of a man who has publicly supported segregation for decades. From a political perspective I have to go and speak. Do I keep my remarks humorous, light and nostalgic (or) do I make a comment that enflames the nation, my constituency, causes me to lose my influence in Congress and even threatens my existence as a politician?” ALL THOSE IN FAVOR INDICATE BY SAYING YUTZ.
Bob Gannon
Decision: “Lets see, I am the president and CEO of Montana Power. It’s a good solid company that makes a fair profit by providing power at a reasonable price to the people of my state. Thousands have invested in my company and thousands depend on it for their livelihood. Do I listen to my customers and investors and keep the company running strong (or) do I listen to a greedy Wall Street Investment Banking firm who doesn’t give a rats ass about Montana and effectively run the business into the ground, create massive unemployment and turn company stock into worthless wallpaper?” YIPPEE AYE KAYA YUTZ FOR BOB.
Tom Sizemore
Decision: “I’m coming off a couple real big hit movies. opportunities to do even bigger and better things are mine for the taking. I’m a rugged good-looking guy and could date any woman I wanted. So, what do I do? I decide to make Heidi Fleiss my little cupcake for two years. Then I decide to beat her up and leave a trail of vicious voice messages – just in case the prosecutors needs some help convicting me.” 2-THUMBS UP ON THE YUTZOMETER FOR TOM.
Winona Ryder
Decision: “Hmmm… I could simply pay for this merchandise. After all, I’m a wealthy movie actress and I have lots of fans who pay good money to see me in pictures (or) I could pilfer these things, get caught, embarrass myself and my family, risk going to jail, reduce my box-office value and possibly destroy my career.” ENVELOPE PLEASE… AND THIS YEAR'S YUTZ ACTRESS OF THE YEAR AWARD GOES TO…
Paris Hilton
Decision: “I’m heir to the Hilton Hotel fortune. My image is that of a dumb bimbo, but I’m not. A couple of years ago I made the decision to have myself videotaped having sex with my boyfriend at the time. Now I am shocked at the thought that others have somehow gotten their hands on this tape and are trying to make money on it.” YES MS. HILTON, THE YUTZ SUITE IS AVAILABLE.
Grady Little
Decision: "Let's see, I can see Pedro Martinez is starting to throw like my Aunt Sarah. It's the 7th game of the World Series and we're still winning. I can pull Pedro and put in a fresh arm - probably winning the championship, taking the team to the World Series where we might win for the first time in 80+ years thus securing for myself a free ride on the shoulders of anyone in Boston for the rest of my life (or) I could leave him in, lose the game and get fired." THE CURSE OF THE YUTZ CONTINUES.
Bernie Ebbers
Decision: “I was the CEO of WorldCom and I made more money than God. The choice I had was pretty simple. I could have my multi-billion dollar telecommunications company operate in a fiscally sound, ethical manner and continue to reap a huge salary, stock options and bonuses (or) I could allegedly participate in behavior that would lead to the largest bankruptcy reorganization in U.S. history, be charged with defrauding investors and effectively destroy every day for the rest of my life.” DIAL 1-800-YUTZ.
Dennis Koslowski
Decision: “Instead of using company funds to have Jimmy Buffet play at my wife’s birthday I could’ve just gotten her his Greatest Hits CD. Instead of using company funds to upgrade my mansion I should’ve waited for the next sale at Home Depot. Instead of buying expensive diamonds and jewelry with what was in the Tyco petty cash box I could’ve just bid on the Cubic Zirconia collection on the Home Shopping Network.” COULD’VE, WOULD’VE, SHOULD’VE – THE CLASSIC LAMENT OF THE YUTZ.
Andrew Fastow
Decision: “I was the Chief Financial Officer at Enron. The decision I faced was to either operate the company in a legitimate, ethical and forthright manner – receive my lucrative annual salary, bonuses and stock (or) get involved in a web of fraudulent partnership deals that would cost thousands of people their jobs, investors millions, drive the business into bankruptcy and have me facing almost 100 charges of fraud, obstruction of justice, insider trading, money-laundering and filing false income tax returns.” TAKE A MEMO: YOU’RE A YUTZ.
Richard Scrushy
Decision: “As the top dawg at HealthSouth I could continue living a real nice comfortable life… one far better than the average America. I might even be able to come up with ways to make everyone else’s life a little better (or) I can get myself mixed up in an accounting fraud scheme that made it appear as if my company made $2.5 billion more than it actually did. If I choose this route I will face 85 separate counts that could result in a prison term of up to 650 years and a fine of up to $278,000,000.” TAKE TWO THINKPATCHES AND CALL ME IN THE MORNING.
The ones concerning the Southerners with confederate flags?
Martha Stewart? Sizemore? Winona Horowitz - I mean Ryder?
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