Replies

Hi Arne,

I can respect your thoughts and position as stated, but please indulge me a moment to voice mine.

I am slowly returning to FR after several weeks of dealing with the death of my father-in-law.

I speak from first-hand experience as someone who was unaware of the gravity of my father-in-law's health until only weeks before his death. The last 13 days of his life were spent in a hospital ICU.

Something that occurred in our situation, that rings similar to Marilyn's, was the plan to initiate a medical procedure, and the failure to do so.

We were told in the late morning several days after his admission, that my father-in-law's breathing was becoming an effort for him; that it was requiring him to expend energy when he didn't have that much to begin with. We were told that Charles was going to be placed on a ventilator before 6 p.m. that evening "to give him a well-deserved break."

The next day, we were told that Charles *had* been placed on the ventilator, around 6 a.m. the following morning -- *after* he coded. The family grumbled among its members, but no one wanted to "make waves." Why hadn't this been done as was planned?

During a period of near helplessness, it is comforting to know that the right procedures are taking place, and the right questions are being asked. Not everyone has a medical background to feel prepared when speaking with the medical staff. I know that when I provided my husband with questions to ask the doctor, and my reasons for needing those answers, my husband felt empowered and of help to his father. In small ways, these were gifts which I gave to him. I heard comfort in his voice every time he reported back to me, after feeling good about being brought up to speed with his dad's care.

Lord, Jesus, we sing Your praises for all you bless us with. Please, continue to hold Marilyn in Your gentle embrace, and comfort her loved ones with Your strong arms.

My condolences for the loss of your father-in-law. That is a uniquely challenging and introspective thing for your husband, any man, to process. The father-son relationship is complex and thought provoking beyond our usually clueless male parameters, and I really hope your hubby and his Dad were close and loving when he passed.

Concerning the medical care your father in law received at the end of his life? Take it to a lawyer and he'll know if there's malpractice or neglect. Remember however ... humans die. Your FIL was in ICU for 13 days. He was a critically ill, near death patient. I wouldn't burden yourself with finger pointing here. DOCTORS and NURSES do not kill their patients. Patients, ICU patients, sometimes die without help.

But ... NO medical professional of any import and integrity would offer a medical opinion or advice over the INTERNET. None. I always cringe when I see RNs spewing their insights, opinions and advice here. It's irresponsible if they identify themselves as Nursing Professionals. Thanks, Ms. Nurse cyber-expert on distended abdomens, but you ain't touching me

Beach Babe seems, from her presentation of Marilyn's detailed care regimen, to be a nurse anyway.

I've gleaned throughout this thread that there are severe issues at hand: Marilyn has no health insurance, no Will and apparently the family siblings (if still alive) are removed, isolated and incommunicado. There's a mother, and an older brother in New York who is really stepping like a man it seems. Is there an estate, a life insurance policy or annuity in effect?

Marilyn is now in Hospice. Hospice is SUPPOSED to be about a secure, comfortable and family centric end of life process. It's not handing over a car to a tow truck heading for the salvage yard. It's your family, your blood, caring and loving and shepherding a loved one to blissful afterlife in God's Kingdom.

I just hope her family can come together and share their blessing of her life, and her life's passing.

I've got to say this ... this sad event sounds like the start of a Freeping financial, legal and emotional mess. It makes me sad.

My condolences for the loss of your father-in-law.

I, too, didn’t want to ‘make waves’, I was intimidated by the medical system. But when Claudia arrived she caused a tidal wave!

One instance in particular stands out in mind: this Monday, after Marilyn had be “hospiced” but before she was transferred to the hospice facility, she was to receive morphine and an anxiety drug (I forget the name) hourly. This wasn’t being done on a timely because when we called that evening, we could hear Marilyn screaming in the background.

Claudia reminded the nurse what hospice meant, and unless the nurse had a medical emergency (bleeding, cardiac arrest, etc) with another patient ... which she doubted was happening since the nurse was on the phone with us … that she was to attend to Marilyn at that moment. By the end of the conversation, the nurse was saying “yes ma’am” to everything Claudia requested.

I’ve been giving a lot of thought to living wills, I don’t have one now but I will make one soon and I want Claudia to be my health care representative.