Posted on 12/01/2003 7:32:10 PM PST by It's me
Election time is quickly approaching. As we pass the threshold of December, we are reminded that the election is only 11 months away, and already, our noble candidates for office are hard at work. It is odd that the average president during his four-year term spends at least one full year campaigning for re-election. That’s 25 percent of his time in office; odd, yes, but when you look at the caliber of the candidates challenging George W. Bush for the presidency, one realizes that he doesn’t need to begin campaigning until at least October.
The Democratic Party has produced nine of its best, and that’s not saying much, to challenge Bush’s solid incumbency as President. Bush has had astronomical approval ratings at different points in his presidency, and now his rates are considered “low” at fifty-two percent. Over half of the American public loves him as president. The Democrats have a lot to do in these 11 months, but they are confident.
The group of Democratic candidates is affectionately called “The Nine Dwarves” because none have a particularly strong political record or are doing very well in the polls. Of these nine diminutive fellows (and one fellowette), one noticeably towers above the other. John Kerry, a senator from Massachusetts, stands at least a foot taller than every other candidate. Unlike the other jokes that can be made about the candidates, John Kerry’s has a punch line - “Why the long face?” Kerry’s elongated countenance is reminiscent of many “a horse walked into a bar” jokes, and serves as his most distinguishing feature. Never mind his political career! It is not particularly noteworthy, but in the world of Democrats, what you actually do rarely matters, just as what actually happens rarely influences “the truth.” Kerry is a senator. That’s enough about him.
One of the biggest names of the Democratic candidates is Howard Dean, the former governor of Vermont. Vermont has gone from being a tough mountain state to a state infested with liberals and supporters of gay marriage and the like. Dean is convinced that his experience governing a state with a population smaller than Baltimore’s makes him fit to be the President of the United States. The American people did too, apparently, as Dean’s numbers were high until he was recently overtaken by Dick Gephardt, who we’ll mention later, in the omniscient Polls of Public Opinion. Dean was made infamous by saying that he’d like to be the candidate for guys with “Confederate flags in their pickup trucks.” Slammed by his fellow Democrats for being racist or something, the other candidates were quick to come out with their own versions of the statement. Just about every candidate had a variation like “I’d like to be the candidate for guys with American flags in their pickup trucks,” “We don’t need the guys with Confederate flags in their pickups, we’re better than that,” “Sure, give me pick up trucks as long as they don’t have gun racks,” “Pick-up trucks are racist and homophobic,” etc. No one expected flags and pickups to be an issue in this election, but then, when you’re dealing with Democrats, anything can happen.
One of my personal favorites is Dennis Kucinich. With a face that could grace the cover of MAD Magazine, Kucinich is to the Nine Dwarves what Dopey was to Snow White’s crew – the comic relief. When asked why he’s aiming to be president, Kucinich said it’s “To enable the goddess of peace to encircle within her arms all the children of this country and all the children of the world.” A worthy ambition, and definitely a plausible political goal.
Another good one is Carol Moseley Braun. She stands out from most of the candidates for being a black woman. Ah, at last – a colored face in a sea of pasty white, and she has ovaries. That’s all it takes for an endorsement from the National Organization for Women, which, of course, she has. Interestingly enough, she has only raised $400,000 for her campaign fund, the smallest of any candidate except for Al Sharpton. Her lack of campaign contributions is not surprising when you consider the fact that her main supporters are tree-hugging lesbians from San Francisco. “Peace Activist” is not generally a profitable profession; though they might stage a great rally, those aren’t the constituents that get anyone elected. You would think that Moseley Braun would be the hero of the Democrats, being the darling minority that she is. Really, they’re always talking about how they are the party of the poor and those in the minority. It’s interesting that their primary candidates are all white men. Could it be the Democrats are not so committed to diversity as they say? Or possibly they’ve realized that being a woman with a different shade of skin does not actually make you more qualified than a pale-faced man?
It’s like the fact that Democrats are constantly talking about being the party of the poor and downtrodden, when in fact they have as many rich people ‘on their side’ as the Republicans. The only real difference is that rich Democrats are singers and actors who make their millions through exploitation often unaccompanied by talent. Republican wealthies, on the other hand, have built up their fortunes through years of hard work in business or the like. It could be that the issue here is not money, but where the money comes from.
The list of candidates goes on and on. There’s Wesley Clark, a retired general who can now call himself the Prince of Multilateralism. He criticized America’s war against Serbia because Russia and China did not give it their approval. It’s nice to know that an aspiring president looks to the advice of a crumbled, de-militarized post-Communist state and an oppressive, currently Communist and excessively militarized state for advice on matters of foreign policy. If we do what they would, we would have to invade America, aim nuclear weapons at Los Angeles and New York, and burn our money in favor of using vodka as currency. At the very least, give Clark credit for thinking in terms of global unity and multi-lateralism. Obviously, the goddess of peace has her arms firmly wrapped around him and his intentions.
Dick Gephardt is another one; he’s non-descript (the only word that comes to mind is ugly) but he’s pulling ahead of Dean in the Iowa polls. He has worked in Congress as the House Democratic leader and has the support of more congressmen than any other candidate, which makes him totally uninteresting.
Al Sharpton, like Kucinich, is laughable. Next week, Sharpton is hosting Saturday Night Live – I suppose he’s trying to reach out to a new demographic? It’s a good one to target – citizens of New York City recently elected a senator who hadn’t ever really lived in or thought about their state as anything other than a political stepping stone, so they must not be big on “issues” or “qualification,” which Sharpton lacks in spades. Besides, Sharpton’s policies don’t really extend beyond “I hate everything.”
John Edwards and Joe Lieberman are both fairly middle of the road and uninteresting, and their faces really just blend with the crowd.
I am still left wondering who will get the nomination. Frankly, I don’t care. None of these guys could beat Bush, so any of them are fine with me. Just keep Hillary away from us, and I say let the boys keep fighting amongst themselves. They’re good for a laugh, anyway.
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