Posted on 11/01/2003 6:20:50 AM PST by knighthawk
It's the amazing comeback they're all talking about
Paul Burrell, author of A Royal Booty (All rights reserved, all reserve abandoned)
…could see she was distraught. "The quiet man is turning up the volume again," she sobbed, covering her ears. "Oh, Paul, I can't bear it."
It was no secret the Princess was having difficulties sustaining relationships with men. She had nine secret gentlemen friends and we developed an elaborate "leadership contest" for working out which one she preferred in any given week.
There was the 14-pints-a-night skinhead, the fat blokey Europhile smoker, the exotic Mediterranean bisexual. She would write to me that such-and-such had been moved to the back benches after "losing his vote of confidence". That was a little joke between the Princess and me about how much I could get for selling their confidences.
But I knew "the Count" was different. "He has something of the night about him," said Diana, blushing. "Oh, Paul, Prince Philip wouldn't understand. Nor would the Hon Sir Angus Ogilvy or Princess Alice, Duchess of Gloucester. But you do, don't you, Paul? Swear to me you'll carry our secret to his grave."
"Don't you mean I'll carry your secret to my grave?" I asked, puzzled.
"No, his grave," she said. "It's a mahogany casket in a basement at the Palace of Westminster. He sleeps there during the day. I want you to take round this note." I gave the Princess my word that I would never reveal the name of her gentleman suitor unto my dying breath, so I shall call him only "Howard Michael".
Later, at the Palace, I could see the Queen was unusually nervous. "Be careful, Paul," she said, her eyes darting round the room, "there are powers at work in this country about which we have no knowledge. No knowledge of whom they are. Up to what they may be, we cannot say, Paul.''
"Your Majesty, you're bats…"
"If I may be permitted to finish, ma'am. Your bat's flown in the state room window." I turned to point out the furtive nocturnal creature hanging upside down from the chandelier, but to my astonishment suddenly there stood "Howard", tall and dark with his seductive grin.
"My God," I said to the Queen. "You know the count!" "Of course I know the count," she said.
"75 for, 90 against. Surprised he did that well, really…"
---
Rod Stewart, veteran rocker
…and I walk in just as Sting is reading out the Evening Standard to Sir Bleedin' Elton: "…hottest comeback in years… hitherto largely forgotten figure from the 1980s… squiring his leggy blonde model around town… unanimous choice for leader of the Tory party…" And I'm thinkin', "Bloody hell, that was quick. I was only angling for a CBE." But I suppose they were looking for someone with all his own hair. Not like Sharon…"
---
Dr Mahathir Mohammed, retiring Prime Minister of Malaysia
…say to Assad, "They're smart, these Jews. I tell everyone they control the world and all the Americans go crazy like I'm giving away some big secret. So right away they have the big meeting of the International Jewish Conspiracy and they
say how can we throw the Muslims off the scent. You follow?"
And Assad says, "Makes sense to me."
And I go, "Remember in 2000? In America? All the Jews vote for the guy who loses. Right away, that tells you how cunning they are! All except a couple of hundred in Palm Beach County who claim they voted for the anti-Zionist fringe candidate because they were too confused by the ballot.
That's how ingenious the Jew is: you throw the election to the other fellow, but set yourself up as the victim of his scheming! Better yet, the really sly ones, like Alan Dershowitz, write books denouncing Bush as illegitimate and unconstitutional. So no one knows he's a Jew puppet, see?"
And Assad goes, "Yeah, you're right."
And I go, "So now I've given the game away and they're in a panic and they're thinking we got to make us Jews look like a big bunch of losers so people will write Mahathir off as a paranoid conspiracy theory schmuck.
So how about we find some Jew - from Wales or somewhere - and install him as leader of the Western world's most unelectable political party? That way, we'll make ourselves a laughing stock and we can carry on running the world without anyone suspecting. So they get on the phone and next thing you know this Duncan Smith fellow is being carried out by the handles."
And Assad says, "I get you. All of a sudden, everyone's saying, 'If the Jews are so clever, how come they're running the British Conservative Party?' Curse those Jews for their devious…"
---
Vivienne Aitken, reporter for the Mirror
…another great Mirror exclusive! After an emergency Caesarean assassination, the Conservative Party produced a brand new leader today. And the good news is…
---
It's a girl!
Yes, the Mirror can reveal that bouncing 127lb Gillian Shephard is back in the frontline of British politics…
I guess you had to have been there. Sorry but I missed most of it.
One line proves it's parody. And quite weird, at that!
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