Kennedy Food Supply Ordered Cut Off

The Iconoclast ^ | 10/23/2003 | Lin Anderson

[JennysCool]

TALAHASEE, FL -- A Florida judge has ordered Sen. Ted Kennedy's food supply cut off immediately, and says he will rule shortly on whether the Massachusetts Democrat will continue to receive his daily ration of distilled fluids.

"It's for Senator Kennedy's own good," said Judge Paul Spiro in announcing the unusual ruling. "While I may not seem to have jurisdiction over this case, I think I speak for millions of Americans when I issue this directive. We simply cannot allow this situation to continue. D-Mass is supposed to be a reference to his party and state, not a physical description."

Spiro contended in his ruling Thursday that the senator's ever-expanding girth "poses a clear danger to the Republic. Particularly when he turns around real fast. There is also the chilling likelihood that floor joists in buildings frequented by the Massachusetts lawmaker could be weakened, precipitating a catastrophe."

"And we won't even get into the hazards posed to civil aviation," Judge Spiro continued.

The judge said he would take under advisement the separate issue of the "really quite enormous" amount of fluids the senator is receiving daily. Sen. Kennedy has been on the distilled fluid regimen since a 1969 auto accident.

"In the senator's case," said Spiro, "Mercy must be shown. Denying fluids could be construed as cruel and unusual punishment."

[WinOne4TheGipper]

Read it yesterday in Top Satire Headlines, still loving it.

[OXENinFLA]

BlaaHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

[LieFreeGov]

It's turning off his liquor supply that needs to happen!

[kidd]

LOL!

And yes, fellow Freepers, Ted Kennedy is in a vegetative state.

[KantianBurke]

[T Minus Four]

Well, I'm sure it will take MUCH longer than a week to ten days for him to wither away.

[ErnBatavia]

[RiflemanSharpe]

ONly problem, have you looked at his girth, with what he has stored up he will hang on for a good while.

[Pan_Yans Wife]

Longer than the guy in the glass box above London?

[DainBramage]

"Jack Daniels to Unveil New Bottle with Ted Kennedy Bobble Head Top"

[RightWhale]

Excellent!

[StriperSniper]

LOL! Thanks!

[CanisMajor2002]

Evil does tend to wreck a man, doesn't it.

[_Jim]

Here's what I thought was the best part:

D-Mass is supposed to be a reference to his party and state, not a physical description."

LOL!

[NeoCaveman]

Pull the plug. And get rid of that Chivas Regal IV too.

[NeoCaveman]

ping

[Ditto]

A Florida judge has ordered Sen. Ted Kennedy's food supply cut off immediately

In other news, stocks of Krispy Kreem, Frito Lay and Hershey Foods all fell sharply on news that 4th quarter sales are expected to plunge to historic lows.