Second-Hand Gas Kills 130,000 Americans a Year -

Yahoo.com ^ | October 20, 2003

[UnklGene]

Second-Hand Gas Kills 130,000 Americans a Year

Monday October 20, 2003

Federal health officials are expected to soon issue a report warning the public about the dangers of second-hand gas. Human gas, that is.

"Second-hand gas, if inhaled on a regular basis, can cause headache, irritated eyes, emphysema, asthma, bronchitis and in many cases, heart attack," says a physician with ties to the Centers for Disease Control.

"Each year, approximately 130,000 Americans die from second-hand gas -- and many others suffer serious ailments as a result of long-term exposure.

"Gas-passers and non-gas-passers alike must realize the extent to which breaking wind -- commonly called 'farting' -- damages everyone's health."

According to the soon-to-be-released CDC report, each year second-hand gas causes:

800 heart attacks 250 strokes 30,000 asthma attacks 50,000 cases of earache Due to poor dietary habits, there is now an "epidemic" of flatulence in America, the report warns. The average American produces a staggering three pints of gas and breaks wind 14 to 23 times daily.

[InvisibleChurch]

This has GOT to be from the Onion!

It's what you get FROM onions.

[mtbrandon49]

[Bloody Sam Roberts]

Pull My Finger!

A dangerous game there, bucko.

Here are the official rules:

Pull My Finger requires 2 players.
When Player 1 (preferably an adult) detects a potentially audible gastric lapse descending into the firing chamber, he must extend his left or right index finger directly at Player 2 (preferably a person under the age of 5) and must say the phrase "Pull My Finger".
Player 2 must firmly grasp the extended digit and tug once, firmly.
When Player 1 detects the tug on the digit he must release the gastric lapse in the most audibly disgusting manner possible.
(WARNING: Player 1 must not attempt to force the gastric lapse from the firing chamber. There are dangers associated with this practice which will ruin the game as well as Player 1's linens.)

[nina0113]

I believe it! My old officemate used to eat burritos with wing sauce for lunch - a couple of hours later, that office was UNBEARABLE.

[mtbrandon49]

"(preferably a person under the age of 5) "

My six year old likes to aim me like a canon and use to shoot his sister.

[Bloody Sam Roberts]

My six year old likes to aim me like a canon and use to shoot his sister.

That is a variation on the game that is generally called 'playing by Southern Rules'.

[SheLion]

You called this a long time ago! Don't you prefer second hand food as the term....... Where are the gnatzies now? What can be done to regulate this non filtered danger?

Can you believe this research? What the 'ell!

[Skooz]

Abigail
Mass Murderer

[JoeSixPack1]

That is a variation on the game that is generally called 'playing by Southern Rules'.

Southern Rules require "ignition". <|:-)~~

[UnklGene]

How in the world does "800 heart attacks 250 strokes 30,000 asthma attacks 50,000 cases of earache" a year make for 130,000 deaths a year?

It's the new "Democrat" math.

[Junior]

Follow the links. It's a Weekly World News article.

[cav68]

And the government talks of the problem with standard of learning test for public schools and the problem the kids have passing said test, well I beleive we have some of the graduates of said test calculating this total.

[UnklGene]

Well, at least we should tax it.

They TRIED to do just that in New Zealand.

[Gabz]

I have to go brown some meat for the pot of chili I'm making.

I've already got the beans done - so I guess dinner in this house will be contributing to these totals tonight!!!!

[Destructor]

So,I guess we need to call our Congressman and demand "bean control" legislation!

[BBell]

I wonder if my health plan covers this, my wife and kids are doomed.

[SheLion]

I've already got the beans done - so I guess dinner in this house will be contributing to these totals tonight!!!!

Hahaaaaaaa! Need some gas masks??? LOL! Sounds great. Save a seat for me. I will be right down. heh!

[Conspiracy Guy]

Call me Nostradumbazz. I see the future and it is here. I need to go find my second hand food rant. I don't think I saved it. Dang

[itssoamusing]

This might be the funniest tihng I've ever seen on FR. I literally had to leave my office and take a break. Many thanks for the laugh.

[Conspiracy Guy]

Believe it. Soon we will be required to wear a sticker on our butts that warns of this danger.