The Axis of Isabel Guide: How to tell you're in a hurricane
Many of you may be wondering exactly how you can tell if Isabel has hit. The following is a list of things that you can use as a guide if you're really stuck in a hurricane,.
First, you have to have a list of things you need to have during a hurricane. Forget about all the official lists you've been seeing, and don't worry about those FEMA schlubs. They don't know that you really need:
Microwave popcorn
Tons of junk food
Soft drinks
Hard drinks (preferably vodka, which, since it's a clear liquor, can be substituted for bottled water)
Flashlights
Candles
A grill or hibachi that is not run by electricity
Okay. Now let's assume you get up Thursday morning and would like to know if Hurricane Isabel has struck your neighborhood. Here are a few questions to ask yourself:
Isn't that the neighbor's car parked on top of mine?
When did we install a sun roof in the kitchen?
Wait a minute! Was that really Margaret Hamilton riding by on a bicycle?
Who emptied the bathtub all over the floor?
Um—we don't have lawn statuary.
Now, if you want an even faster way to tell if you're in a hurricane, turn on your television set. If the screen stays blank, it's a good bet that you've lost electric power due to the storm. Here are some other ways to tell if you've lost electric power:
Put a bag of microwave popcorn in the microwave. Turn on the microwave. Wait several minutes. If the popcorn does not pop, you have no electricity. However, you can fire up the grill, wrap the bag of microwave popcorn in tinfoil (fold it up loose like Jiffy Pop does with their product), and have it anyway. (Of course, I don't know anyone who's ever made microwave popcorn this way, and I'm not sure it won't burn down your house, but hey, if you're in the midst of the hurricane, the rain will put out the fire. But do email me if it worked, either way.)
Turn on your computer. Try to connect to the Internet. If you can't get online, it's likely your electricity is out. For AOL users, if you can't get online, it's likely you're an AOL user. (Another hint that your power is out is the way the monitor stays dark green. And you don't hear the power supply or fan kick in.)
Try turning on a light switch. When the light doesn't go on, turn the switch off. Then turn it on again. Then off. Then on. It's a well-known fact that if the light doesn't go on the first time, it's not because you have no power. It's because you obviously didn't flick the switch correctly to the "on" position. Repeat this in various rooms throughout the house to make sure that your power is out everywhere, and not just in one or two rooms.
Let's assume Thursday has come and gone, and it's now nighttime. You have gone to sleep in your darkened, quiet house, mostly because you're bored stiff without being able to play computer games or watch TV or read easily because damn, reading by flashlight is a pain in the ass, isn't it? Next time you're going to remember to get the gas lamp, aren't you? Well, here are ways to tell if you've lost power in the middle of the night:
Try turning on a light switch. When the light doesn't go on, turn the switch off. Then turn it on again. Repeat as above. Get out of bed and try to walk to another room. Curse when you stub your toe on the wall because you forgot that you have a flashlight on the nighttable and if you had only remembered and used it, you would have noticed that you were about a foot to the right of the door.
Using the flashlight, walk carefully to the nearest TV and search futilely for the remote. After five minutes of fruitless searching and cursing, make a vow that next time, you really will get the remote that makes a noise when you clap your hands. Sit down on your favorite chair, leap up quickly because you just sat on the remote. Now, using the flashlight, press the power button on the remote. Shine your flashlight on the TV when it doesn't come on. Click the power button a few more times just to make sure that you're clicking it right. If the TV still doesn't come on, you probably don't have power. Go back to bed.
Turn on the clock radio on your nighttable. Start cursing when you remember that you forgot that the clock radio runs on electricty, and the battery-powered radio is in the kitchen. Get back out of bed, stub your toe on the wall again, swear louder, then get the flashlight and go to the kitchen. Turn on the news. Listen for about ten minutes before finding out that yes, your neighborhood is one of the neighborhoods that has lost power. Go back to bed.
http://www.yourish.com/archives/2003/sept14-20_2003.html#2003091701