Drink Your Way to Fitness

MDM ^

[Sir Gawain]

Do your friends call you a fat drunken slob?

Do you wake up in the afternoon and drink out of shame? Well stop drinking out of guilt and start drinking your way to health! Welcome to a new alcohol fitness program designed to fit within in your current lifestyle. These proven drinking techniques and exercises will help you become a better, healthier and happier drunk. One of the keys to being a healthy drunk is this mantra: It's not what you drink, but what you DO while you're drunk. It's true! From chasing women to running from the cops, there are hundreds of ways to be a better you. Basic Workout As this is your first step, we will start with simply walking while drunk. You probably already do this and didn't even know it was so good for you! For example, if a sober man walks the distance of a hundred feet (see fig. 1A), it stands to reason that he covers the distance of a hundred feet. But as you may know when a drunk decides to cover that same distance, he may actually walk twice that amount! (see fig. 1B) So you see,  when Joe Six Pack goes from his bar stool to the bathroom, he burns more calories then when Joe AA goes from the coffee area to the bathroom to cry. There are simple ways to slightly alter your current routine and lose weight. You can do things like take the stool furthest from the bathroom, keep your liquor on top of a bookshelf instead of a desk drawer, or even hide your bottle from yourself while blacked out. Be creative! Advanced Workout For those wanting a more vigorous workout, first warm up with these simple steps: 1) Get so drunk the bartender takes your keys away, 2) Offend all your friends to the point they abandon you, and 3) Vomit on yourself so no self-respecting hack will let you in his cab. Now once the bar closes, it is time to find your way home. Don't worry about getting lost on the way, as this will make you burn even more calories. On your journey home you will probably find yourself climbing on things, breaking stuff,  and screaming horrible things at your ex-girlfriend's house. At the Institute we call this cross-training. We encourage cross training, because this will greatly increase your nightly weight loss. It is a proven fact that, when inebriated, we push ourselves to the next level, we throw things farther, we break bigger things, and climb taller trees than we would when sober. It's motivation in a bottle! Soon you will want to crank up your program another notch, and we here at the Institute recommend ankle weights for your power drunk-walking sessions. Try to find the type that fill with water, because they can double as ankle flasks. Perfect for mid-workout refreshment! -Dr. Tivoni Devor

[Fiddlstix]

Good Grief!

[Sir Gawain]

Hey come on, I'm not a boy.

[Victoria Delsoul]

I know that, LOL.

[TrebleRebel]

Not to mention that maintaining your balance in a spinning room after 3 Long Island Teas is a good workout for calf muscles and hamstrings.....

[FreedomPoster]

Did quite a few 12-ounce curls in my college days, myself. ;-)

[JakeWyld]

Sorry this is late

LOLOLOL I've been looking for a diet that works...although I'm not a big whiskey drinker. I wonder if Amorretto works?

Thanks for the post.

[Sabertooth]

Hey come on, I'm not a boy.

Uh-oh.

[ChefKeith]

Hangover rating system

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain.
No real feeling of illness.
You're able to function relatively well.
However, you are still parched.
You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way.
For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss.
You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun.
The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House exursion.
There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache.
Stomach feels crappy.
You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink.
Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a Diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks.
Your head is throbbing.
You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the Bumper cars.)
Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts.
Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm.

Five Star Hangover, (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube.
Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from Brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you.
You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning.
Death sounds pretty good about right now....

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK :
Indubitably,Innovative,Preliminary,Proliferation,Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity,British Constitution,Passive-aggressive disorder,Loquacious, Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'REDRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing