While We're On The Subject Of Military Humor...

[Per-Ling]

US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, (state your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, because I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim.

I will wear camouflage everyday and tuck my trousers in my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date.

I will continue to tell myself I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will ever see is a court-martial for sexual harassment.

I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of sexual...er...I mean Boot Camp, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left.

On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I'm cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter Air Force guy or a better looking Marine. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished.

I will arrive at work everyday at 1000 hours because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to the "company." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $50,000 for college, but will be unable to use any of it because I can't pass the placement exam. So help me God.

Signature_________________ Date__________________

US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, (state your name), swear to sign 4 years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I am too smart for the Army and because the Marines frighten me, and I am afraid of water over waist-deep.

I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear to do no real form of exercise, but promise to defend our bike riding test as a valid form of exercise.

I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe my self to above that.

I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm really not in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make everyone aware of that fact.

After completion of my "Basic Training", and receiving a ribbon for it, I will be a lean mean, donut eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it.

I will do no work unless some one is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy all those around me, and will go home early every day. I consent to never getting promoted (ever) and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow. So help me God.

Signature________________ Date_________________

US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, (state your name), in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without having to actually be one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought "Hey, I like to swim....why not."

I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for the Waffen SS during the winter.

I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head" instead of "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

I will muster (what ever that is) at 0700 hours every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the chief, in which case I will show up at 0930 hours. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop.

I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted down at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new found "colleagues." So help me Neptune..

Signature__________________ Date______________

US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, (make up a name the police won’t recognize), swear…uhhh…high-and-tight…grunt…cammies…kill….fix bayonets….and charge…..beer….salors wives….air strikes….yes SIR!!!…whiskey…liberty…call….salute…Ooorah,….Gunny….grenade…women…..OORAH! So help me Chesty PULLER!

X__________Thumb Print

XX________________Teeth Marks

(Don't jump on me guys! I'm active duty Navy just wantin' to lighten things up a bit!)

[Chad Fairbanks]

I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop.

After getting out of the navy, I had several minor job skills - Janitor, Security Guard, Air Traffic Controller/Radarman, and a few others... but the skill described above, by God, makes me MANAGEMENT material... ;0)

[DeuceTraveler]

I can tell these things are never made up by Air Force guys.

[Bogey78O]

Hehe...I never called anyone by their first name... maybe it's because I never got to the commissioning. Maybe that's the breakaway point.

Funny either way.

[MacDorcha]

the Air Force one looks real close to the Coast Guard.....

[Polybius]

I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for the Waffen SS during the winter.

Yeah. We did look tougher in winter.....

In my entire Navy career, nobody ever explained why "Navy Blue" was actually Black.

[Chad Fairbanks]

In my entire Navy career, nobody ever explained why "Navy Blue" was actually Black

And, we were always fashionably-correct (not counting the bell-bottoms) because everyone knows it's wrong to wear white after labour day ;0)

[annyokie]

Thanks! I have sent this to all my family service memebers!

[Bogey78O]

Well the uniforms aren't all that different. Like a cross between Navy and Air Force.

[TheSpottedOwl]

ROTF @ Waffen SS!! My son is in Navy JROTC, and the first time I saw him in his winter "blues" I thought there was a mistake. Yikes he looks like he's in the SS!!

[MacDorcha]

yeah, i was in NJROTC... i recall the uniforms... good tag line bogey, sent it to all my buddies...

i think i recall the pecking order (from most threatening to least) is something like... M.A.R.I.N.E. (my arse rides in navy equipment), Army, Navy, Coast Guard, Postal Workers (they're armed and have uniforms... why not?) Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, Air Force.

My ROTC buddies said Navy first, but my dad is ret. Lt Col. in Army, gotta go with that ya know? ;)

[gcruse]

When it comes to most threatening, I'd have to go with the folks who pound the ground. Marines first, then Army. I didn't find the Navy to be all the physically demanding, or maybe I just managed to avoid it.

[MacDorcha]

thats what i wrote, marines, army, navy... its in there in that order

[exDemMom]

In my entire Navy career, nobody ever explained why "Navy Blue" was actually Black.

Or why our crows looked so much like raptors.

[battlegearboat]

Those thirteen buttons were a bit of a hassle at times.

And that hightop shoelace in the back, ...well I never untied it.

[mattstat]

When I read the Army Oath, I thought this was humor, but then I read the Air Force Oath and realized that it was almost word-for-word identical to the vow I took when I was in.

The only mistake was the reference to the Basic Training ribbon. You didn't automatically get these. You could, hoewever, go down to the BX and buy any ribbon you wanted and wear it at any time.

I even had one for serving in the Crimean War. It was quite beautiful, though I hear it's not as cool as the one they handed out to everybody who survived the Clinton administration.