Top Ten Reasons Why The Two Towers SUCKED!!

None | 12/23/02 | BradyLS

[BradyLS]

TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE TWO TOWERS SUCKS!!!

1. The Man of Steel

Didja notice? Gandalf "falls" off the bridge and flies through the air to grab his sword. Before he even hits the bottom, Gandalf has grabbed the firebeast and starts kicking his ass! Hey, Superman! Why didn't you do that while you had your sword and you were on the bridge?

2. How to Climb Mount Everest

Step 1. Fall with a firebeast until you reach the lake at the bottom of the mountain.
Step 2. Firebeasts hate water, so you can just bet he'll use his great wings of smoke and fire to carry you instantly to the top of the mountain! Make sure you are hanging on when he does this.
Step 3. Thank the firebeast for the lift. Then kick his ass some more!

3. I Am a Rock

Trying to avoid someone? Fall on the ground. Cover up with your coat. And think 'rock' like your life depended on it. Hell, if the people coming after you believe you're insane, it just might work!

4. Why Men Don't Ask for Directions

Nobody wants to ask a creep like Smeagol. Next thing you know, he's off to introduce you to some 'friends.' If you're lucky, you wake up with a pain in the neck and all your valuables taken.

5. No SuperCuts in Middle-Earth.

Wizards can create an army of thousands or return from the dead, but not one of 'em knows how to get a decent haircut. Everybody wears their hair as if they're in some trippy space-rock band. Hey, PJ! People stopped listening to Hawkwind twenty years ago!

6. Homage or theft? XXIII.

Grima Wormtounge is clearly based on that creepy alchemist, Professor Snape, in Harry Potter.

7. You Can't Change Human Nature

Elves are fey and have pointy ears. Dwarves are short and the butt of jokes. It's always been that way. Will always be that way. No wonder people generally hate this crap-- they already know what to expect.

8. Attack of the Clones

After creating an army 10,000 strong, the next obvious step is to march it 100 miles, nonstop, and to immediately attack an impregnable fortress where all the heroes will be waiting for you. While getting your face smashed on the walls...

9. Rear Guard? We Don't Need No Steenkin' Rear Guard

... Don't forget to have your collective ass kicked from the rear. Good thing Peter Jackson gave the baddies some brains!

10. Bakshi to the Future

When Ralph Bakshi released his meandering opus to the world in 1978, the good-guys had just won a big battle at Helm's Deep and were getting ready to carry the Ring into Mordor. In 2002, after $200 million and 6 hours of travelogue footage from the New Zealand Ministry of the Interior, Peter Jackson brings us to the same damn point in the story! Thanks, guy. Glad to see our time wasn't too badly wasted.

[BradyLS]

;-) A clue to how you should take the list!

[BradyLS]

It's okay. I bit back. We're even as far as I'm concerned.

[Vindibudd]

Well I was moved by the film and the whole thing about it "sucking" was "unnecessarily rude."

[HairOfTheDog]

I am glad you were moved by the film! I have come to love it too, though I had to see it 3 times to be sure!

And Brady is an incurable purist, but his heart was in the right place (mostly :~D). This thread was a spinoff from an earlier satire thread.

[Vindibudd]

Well like when Sam gives his speech at the end and they cut to different characters and the music is so tender and he talks about "the stories that really meant something...."
Tears just roll down my face. And I too have seen it three times and will probably see it 9 or 10 in the theater. I saw FOTR 9 times.

And I am a grown man.

The movie is about fighting for what is right no matter the sacrifice and there can be no better ideal than that.

And for people that hate TTT because on page 1234, section 8, paragraph e, sub paragraph 14, line 3, title 2, there is a semicolon after the 4th word AND PETER JACKSON LEFT THAT OUT OH MY GOD OH MY DEAR SOUL I SHALL DIE BECAUSE I READ THE BOOK 6516516851630541 TIMES AND IT'S LIKE CUTTING JESUS OUT OF THE BIBLE OH MY GOD!!!! Those people need to get a life. PJ kept true to the spirit of the book and not the letter of it. That's the whole point of a movie.

Don't miss the Fanghorn for the Ents.

[BradyLS]

And Brady is an incurable purist, but his heart was in the right place (mostly :~D). This thread was a spinoff from an earlier satire thread.

Aww, now come on! All sorts of things that are in the book aren't even being addressed in the movie and I've come to accept that. That other characters play double duty for other roles (Arwen for Glorfindel and Eomer for Erkenbrand) I can accept. Even when one character gives another's line (such as Cate Blanchett's Galadriel opening FOTR with words uttered by Treebeard). Hardly something a purist would accept!

But you're right. This is based on an earlier satire thread for the previous film. I thought folks would catch on, but I guess I didn't make it nearly clear enough. Reckon I should suffer whatever slings and arrows come of it.

[ffusco]

Hey just a minute. Photon torpedos are deployed on Federation Starships, not Imperial Forces. LOL

[Vindibudd]

Exactly.