Posted on 10/28/2002 9:05:41 AM PST by Mad Dawgg
Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays:
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a Guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Oh man this one got me to spurgle coffe on the keyboard)
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (an aspiring Douglas Admas Replacement?)
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
>From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Wiping up more coffee)
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.(bwah hahahahah)
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long,it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. (Priceless)
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.(Oh Man my stomach muscles hurt now)
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.(gawd that is good!)
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton. (Future Freeper?)
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. (Yet more coffee wiping)
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.(Classic)
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.(This one is disturbing)
The Pangs Of Aphasia
Victorian novel where all the female characters are named after medical conditions and procedures.
Some suggested lines:
"Awake, Anasthaesia dearest, Awake!"
"I am afraid Listeria is feeling a little unwell after lunch, and has retired, Mr Bulstrode."
`Captain Danvers fell to his knees: "But Myopia! Can you not see what you mean to me!"'
Septicaemia's blood ran hot when Sturgess appeared at the gate.
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Mickey the Fish, Sep 12 2000
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
As we will all remember from our childhoods, there is a character in this book called Verruca Salt. [hippo]
Mrs Malaprop
Curriculum Vitriol [reensure]
Hercules Returns
Movie where all of the greek characters have medical names [tenhand]
The official Asterix site (in French)
A world full of people whose names are puns. [DrBob]
Angels & Insects Angels & Insects
A Victorian story where all the female characters are (essentially) insects: Bees, Ants, Butterflies, etc. [slacy]
Chlamydia longed to become part of him, to spread through him like an infection, an inflammation, if you will, of the pelvis and reproductive organs which, if left untreated, could cause infertility.
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mrthingy, Sep 12 2000
Sadly for Chlamydia, Gonnorrhoea had got to him first. Her unrequited love forced her to turn for comfort and solace to Colonel Syphilis, an untrustworthy cad of the first order. (thought we should even it out between the sexes!)
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frances, Sep 12 2000
Emphysema coughed politely...
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hippo, Sep 13 2000
"I seem to have forgotten the point of this entry," mused Lady Amnesia.
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DrBob, Sep 13 2000
Emphysema's poor working-class cousin Silicosis coughed politely too.
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hippo, Sep 13 2000
Lord Touchnott, bursting with good cheer, brought a bustling energy into the household that had not been the same since Anorexia had succumbed to the cruel wasting disease that had bedevilled her.
The sudden appearance of the good Lord Touchnott, hale and hearty after his long sea voyage, took Asphyxia's breath away. "My Lord," she asked with the best manners and self-possession she could muster, "how did you find the Caribbean?"
"I took a left turn at the Azores," said Lord Touchnott, displaying wit if not geographical certitude, for while the jolly lord was always willing to buck up the spirits of any of his nieces, he was too caught up in private worry over the inexplicable (to him) moodiness of his own daughter Dysmenorrhea to pay full attention.
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Uncle Nutsy, Sep 13 2000
"Urethra!!!", cried Labia, "though there is a vas deferens between the male and female species, we have managed to overcome."
Mammary popped up and uddered, "I need to get this off my chest. If ever you thought we had a chance with the men, urine big trouble. If there were any chances, you rectum. You consider yourself a cunning linguist but all you succeed in doing is pissing people off!"
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IBBen, Sep 14 2000, last modified Sep 15 2000
"Cirrhosis my dear, I think you have had a wee bit much to drink for one night..."
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Alcin, Sep 19 2000
My penile warts your herpes, My syphilitic sores, Your moenelial infection, How I miss you more and more. Your dhobi's itch, my scrumpox, Our lovely gonorrhoea, At least we were both lying when we said that we were clear. Our syphilitic kisses sealed the secret of our tryst. You gave me scrotal pustules with a quick flick of your wrist. Your trachovaginitis sent shivers down my spine. I got snail tracks in my anus when your spirochaetes met mine. Eric Idle & Graham Chapman KGB Music 1980
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salmon, Dec 14 2000
"Et tu, Laraemia?" said Colonel Glanders.
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UnaBubba, Feb 05 2001
After the proposal Hernia felt that her heart must be visibly protruding from her chest it was beating so hard. The thought that she, an orphaned parson's daughter from the shire of Milton Keynes, might be in the position as to become wife to such an august and dashing gent as Sir Vical Smear would have been ludicrous not three months prior. And yet here she was.
But, Oh! What about her sisters! She promised herself that, no matter that this might be her one chance to make such a propitious match, she would turn down the proposal unless her new husband would consent to ensure that no harm befall Katatonia and Renalfalia.
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mark_t, Feb 05 2001
"Don't forget to come back Teria," she cried, as her dear brother rode off down the driveway in an 'ackney cab to study other cultures.
"Take care of your Papa Loma!" he called cheerfully from the road.
Loma thought wistfully to herself how they had all of them succumbed to his infectious laughter.
As Loma turned back into the room she saw Erythema blushing furiously. She's probably thinking about her brief fling with the youthful Master Bation, she thought.
She had not paid any attention today to the Zosters, so full of themselves they looked as though they might burst.
"He's off to join the Legion Ella," she said to her sister.
"Don't you think the pigs have Tricky noses?" asked Ella.
Nothing Ella said ever made sense. She sat there, thinking how she had bloody little Stigmata in the palm of her hand now that her brother had left.... perfect!
On reflection,perhaps not everything was perfect; the very thought of Bulimnia made her feel sick to the stomach.
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UnaBubba, Feb 05 2001
"Rubella! Come here!" cried Hyperthermia warmly, "Now, I here you've been a little rash. What's this about you and Major Surgery?" "But Mama, he was so handsome in his uniform!I couldn't help myself - I was all over him before I knew it". At that moment, Postule suddenly burst into the room. "Mama, it's Sam'n'Ella, they've both been sick in the hall!" "Nasty little bugs" replied Varicella, "a pox on both of them!"
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goff, Feb 06 2001
Done in reverse in Russell Hoban's "Kleinzeit," a hospital tale where all the diseases and body parts are borrowed from other fields of knowledge:
"I'm not worried about your diapason. That sort of dissonance is quite a common thing, and with any luck we'll clear it up fairly soon. The hypotenuse of course is definitely skewed, but not enough to account for a 12 percent polarity ... On the other hand, the X-rays indicate that your asymptotes may be going hyperbolic."
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UnaBubba, Oct 13 2002
But Doctor, I was implying the question, "Would I live?" Not, "Would you kill me with nitrous oxide?!"
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hollajam, Oct 13 2002
Of course, such a novel would have to feature an evil doppleganger who keeps imitating all the female maladies and thus discrediting their veracity and sincerity as characters. Her name? "Hysteria".
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