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I know quite a few people that would want that coffee cup.
They would say that it is a prerequisite to having a decent day.
I say it would make you have to repaint the walls because I'd be bouncing off them.

I say it would make you have to repaint the walls because I'd be bouncing off them.

She's adorable. It would be fun having a little kid around like that, but I'm not sure if I would be in for the long haul today. ~whew

I have a green iguana who is like a 4-year-old boy, and he keeps me hopping!

"I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'"

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. -

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

"How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

"Old" is when the porn movie you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis."

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast."

Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.

Joe, the other 95% of them were even lamer! See you later.