When I saw bizarre and inexplicable, this came to mind........
Alan Colmes
Posted on 07/26/2002 7:28:54 AM PDT by Just another Joe
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. -
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
"How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
"Old" is when the porn movie you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis."
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast."
Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.
If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.
Joe, the other 95% of them were even lamer! See you later.
Keep em flowing barkeep!!!
When I saw bizarre and inexplicable, this came to mind........
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He definitely needs a new makeup artist.
He announced last week that he is GETTING MARRIED!
I haven't really been posting the threads on the 'fat tax'. I know that it fit's right in with the tobacco taxes but unless it specifically mentions tobacco I haven't been posting them to the Lounge.
This same woman buys another parrot. The bird starts getting all these little bleeding spots. She feeds it, treats it well, talks to it, etc., but it still gets these little sores.
She takes it to the vet, who tells her, "Oh, that's because the bird's beak is too sharp. Every once in a while you have to file the beak down a little bit."
The next day, she calls the vet in a panic: "My poor bird is dead!"
So the vet says, "Well, did you file its beak down?"
And she says, "Yes".
The vet says, "And it still continued to pick those scabs?"
And the lady says, "No, he was dead as soon as I took his head out of the vice."
Whatchu talkin' about? He's been watching "The Rock" on WWE wrestling. ;^)
For all the blondes--
There was this bar and blondes were celebrating in the corner, with beers shouting, "41 days, 41 days!!!!"
The bartender watched as they more came in and joined the celebration.
He was finally so curious that he went over and said, "Why are you celebrating shouting, '41 days, 41 days!!!'?" And a blonde held up a 4 piece puzzle box and said, "The box said 4 to 6 years, and it only took us 41 days!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Another for the gals--
Marriage Secrets ...........By Rodney Dangerfield
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last: Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food, and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in Cincinnati.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me, "In the lake."
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
Remember....Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?".......I said, 'Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? Cause they want to.
Nothing new on the home (sale) front - but at least the realtor does stay in touch with us.
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