A 'Marriage Strike' Emerges As Men Decide Not To Risk Loss

Katherine is attractive, successful, witty, and educated. She also can't find a husband. Why? Because most of the men this thirtysomething software analyst dates do not want to get married. These men have Peter Pan syndrome: They refuse to commit, refuse to settle down, and refuse to "grow up."

However, given the family court policies and divorce trends of today, Peter Pan is no naive boy, but instead a wise man.

"Why should I get married and have kids when I could lose those kids and most of what I've worked for at a moment's notice?" asks Dan, a 31-year-old power plant technician who says he will never marry.

"I've seen it happen to many of my friends. I know guys who came home one day to an empty house or apartment - wife gone, kids gone. They never saw it coming. Some of them were never able to see their kids regularly again."

Census figures suggest that the marriage rate in the United States has dipped 40 percent during the last four decades to its lowest point since the rate was measured. There are many plausible explanations for this trend, but one of the least mentioned is that American men, in the face of a family court system hopelessly stacked against them, have subconsciously launched a "marriage strike."

It is not difficult to see why. Let's say that Dan defies Peter Pan, marries Katherine, and has two children. There is a 50 percent likelihood that this marriage will end in divorce within eight years, and if it does, the odds are 2-1 it will be Katherine, not Dan, who initiates the divorce. It may not matter that Dan was a decent husband. Studies show that few divorces are initiated over abuse or because the man has already abandoned the family. Nor is adultery cited as a factor by divorcing women appreciably more than by divorcing men.

While the courts may grant Dan and Katherine joint legal custody, the odds are overwhelming that it is Katherine, not Dan, who will win physical custody. Overnight, Dan, accustomed to seeing his kids every day and being an integral part of their lives, will become a "14 percent dad" - a father who is allowed to spend only one out of every seven days with his own children.

Once Katherine and Dan are divorced, odds are at least even that Katherine will interfere with Dan's visitation rights.

Three-quarters of divorced men surveyed say their ex-wives have interfered with their visitation, and 40 percent of mothers studied admitted that they had done so, and that they had generally acted out of spite or in order to punish their exes.

Katherine will keep the house and most of the couple's assets. Dan will need to set up a new residence and pay at least a third of his take-home pay to Katherine in child support.

As bad as all of this is, it would still make Dan one of the lucky ones. After all, he could be one of those fathers who cannot see his children at all because his ex has made a false accusation of domestic violence, child abuse, or child molestation. Or a father who can only see his own children under supervised visitation or in nightmarish visitation centers where dads are treated like criminals.

He could be one of those fathers whose ex has moved their children hundreds or thousands of miles away, in violation of court orders, which courts often do not enforce. He could be one of those fathers who tears up his life and career again and again in order to follow his children, only to have his ex-wife continually move them.

He could be one of the fathers who has lost his job, seen his income drop, or suffered a disabling injury, only to have child support arrearages and interest pile up to create a mountain of debt which he could never hope to pay off. Or a father who is forced to pay 70 percent or 80 percent of his income in child support because the court has imputed an unrealistic income to him. Or a dad who suffers from one of the child support enforcement system's endless and difficult to correct errors, or who is jailed because he cannot keep up with his payments. Or a dad who reaches old age impoverished because he lost everything he had in a divorce when he was middle-aged and did not have the time and the opportunity to earn it back.

"It's a shame," Dan says. "I always wanted to be a father and have a family. But unless the laws change and give fathers the same right to be a part of their children's lives as mothers have, it just isn't worth the risk."

Dianna Thompson is the founder and executive director of the American Coalition for Fathers and Children. She can be contacted by e-mail at DThompson2232@aol.com. Glenn Sacks writes about gender issues from the male perspective. He invites readers' comments at Glenn@GlennSacks.com.

(hey, she cheated once, she can do it again) .....and she probably will. No wonder the guy is a wreck. One day she is going to do to him, what she did to you.

Don't misunderstand me. I love the traditional role of marriage. I am happily married to a wonderful man who treats me like a princess. I have had to dump many preconceived notions along the way in order to keep marital bliss. Perhaps because everyone these days goes into marriage with the idea that it is all joy, all unconditional love and romance, they are shocked into disbelief when they find it actually requires hard work.
That stupid 'ideal' along with generations raised without a clue as to hard work and commitment (honor and civility) have resulted in a complete break down of a very worthwhile institution.

Sadly, it does not exist within just one sex. Everything is so disposable these days. Children, husbands, wives, life in general. Those of us who believe in actually honoring your vows and doing what you say you will, are in a very small minority. It seems that honor and constancy are no longer valuable commodities. How heartbreaking.

It seems that honor and constancy are no longer valuable commodities. How heartbreaking.

They still are it's just that now the market for these commodities is much, much smaller.

Due in large part to the reasons you stated.. People with an unrealistic view of what marriage is and why it's important. They think everyone lives allie McBeal and has a new mercedes for every day of the week.

And if you don't? Well, then you are obviously sleeping with the wrong person..

Mirage is a drone only capable of ridiculous statements like the one you quoted.

I think she's trying, in vain, to defend the indefensable - the continued favoritism shown to women in our divorce court system (not to mention criminal court). She's made some pretty hefty claims on this thread. She's accused men of "whining" and "bashing" repeatedly, with little evidence other than a few retaliatory responses to individual women who have provoked and prodded as well. Yet she engages in the same behavior herself, resorting to name calling when she can't win on logic. I intend to call her on it when I see it.

No, I think that in reality, she is living off the system, stealing her livlihood from some poor sap that was unfortunate enough to have married here and is now forking over $2000+ per month to support her. She says otherwise, but her actions speak much louder. Why would she be defending the biased system if she weren't benefitting from it?

I would have to most heartily disagree. My brother's experience was just like this. He never saw it coming. Mainly because he thought she should be placed upon a pedestal so he worked two jobs totaling 80 hours a week. He is not a wealthy man, but she was only too happy not to have to lift a finger. He lavished her with expensive gifts, a vintage Mustang she had to have because she loved the purple paint (it really was a beauty) a big fat diamond ring, and trips (mostly local because he worked so much) and the way she gave back to the relationship was to screw every friend he had.

How did he find out? She got pregnant, apparently on the very bed they shared, by another guy, attempted to abort it, and they called my brother at work when complications arose. He met Steve (the presumed dad) when he arrived. Lovely isn't it? Regina told him that she was leaving him when he went in to see her.

My brother is nobody's dummy. He was simply blindly in love with her. He would have forgiven that slut, raised the child as his own, and still put her upon a pedestal (if slightly tarnished) had she wished. I give thanks everyday that she did not. But no, up until that moment she acted the part of the doting wife. Everyone was shocked when it came out what she had been up to. Her sister is the one who clued us in partly because she felt so bad over my brothers devastation- financially as well as emotionally.

It's very telling that these posts are in the 600-plus range, no better indication of the centrality of this issue to life in general. An undeniable conclusion, is that men are now voting with their feet - and staying away.

And it's sort of grimly amusing to see many of the posters, who would seek to deny the nose on their face, that the experiences that these men have gone through aren't real, that there's no bias - that marriage is just still honky-dory - and that it's all still men's fault...yadeyadeya. As if men were stupid enough to be argued into denying direct experience.

The happy thing is that, not all women are American. For American women that don't subscribe to the "It's all about me philosophy"- my sympathies - but you are rare and awful hard to find.

I travel a bit, and each time I go to South America, or recently to the ex-Soviet Union, I am struck by the unabashed femininity of the women - and the strikingly different attitudes they hold about men, women, sex and marriage. A little note on attitudes about sex. I don't know what 1950's paradigm is responsible for the cliche that men are the ones obsessed with sex - but that's laughably out-of-date. I think you all know what I'm talking about. If not, check out an average women's magazine.

But, no whining. The thing is - we have options! - but you need a passport. I've already ruined one guy by taking a trip with him to Cartagena, Colombia. Now, he just can't get interested in dating back here in Charlotte, NC - even though some women are throwing themselves at him. He's working on his next trip to Europe as I speak. Every time I go overseas - I meet a lot of guys with experiences like the ones I've heard in this thread. The difference is - they explored other options overseas, got married in some cases, and are able to smile, shake their heads - and say "Glad I'm out of that mess".

Maybe it's not for everybody. There are indeed complications. Language, culture, employment, visas, or contamination by Oprah after immigrating, but for what it's worth - it seems that it offers what marriage used to be.

And if anybody wants to flame me for my honest opinions about foreign women, go right ahead. It won't matter. :^)

Where you go to school has very little to do with it. It is an individual desire to do what is right. Strong moral character comes from living it, not just paying lip service to it. Everyone has weak moments. But free will means you don't have to give in to the weakness. Simple as that. Temptation is everywhere and yes it is very difficult especially when you are propositioned on a near daily basis. Our society today nearly demands extramarital affairs, and sadly, condems those who do not engage in it, as strange or asexual.

Though you would never know it, I have 5 kids. I say two things as an avoidance of temptation, or as a way to make sure that a situation does not arise where I am given a chance to compromise myself, (even the appearance of)
1:I have 5 kids (this is usually enough to send the flirtatious gentleman in the opposite direction)
2: My husband is 6'2 and weigh's 200 pounds (is the failsafe backup if the visual of 5 kids isn't enough.) and as a last resort
( because of the lack of courtesy this one comes into play more and more)3: I am calling the police if you bother me again.

Even the most moral woman or man has been tempted. This is simply human. But before it goes beyond a thought or an instance, the morality factor comes into play and then a choice presents itself. Which way you go is entirely up to you.

BTW, what if women "went on strike" and decided: NO sex until after the wedding. Then what? I think this marriage strike by men would end pronto....

Yeh, but it wouldn't solve the "nuke beside the bed" problem or the consequent "divorce is legal rape" problem when she discovered she was bored.

I've done a fair amount of thinking about this subject over some 20 years, having been through a rough one, even wrote a small book about it (focus was divorce lawyers). The legal system insists upon fitting people into gender roles and making decisions on that basis because it's easy and because they want someone other than the state to pay for any children. If judges were more priests and able and willing to see people more as they are, and were allowed more to exercise thier judgement (always assuming they had good judgement), the decisions would be a lot fairer. Beyond sensitivity and insight, this takes courage. Margaret Chase Smith, former Senator from Maine, once commented in response to feminist quote-baiting that she had always seen women as people first. Both women and men exhibit a very wide range of behavior and somehow this needs to be taken into account because the "one size fits all" legal mentality is NOT working.

My 2 cents with bonus of a dollar and a half . . . ;-}

Thankfully, the birth of a child usually causes a few people to grow up....although I see far more women growing up than men.

I'm not sure I agree, but that's your opinion, you're entitled to it.

Too many men in my neighborhood think that they can have two or three kids and not slack off a bit on how much golf and tennis they play.

Do you really keep track of how many hours they spend on the golf course?

Lets see, the woman marries the guy, presumably because she likes what she sees. But wait, she really doesn't like it after all so she tries to change him into something he is not. I've seen a couple of instances where a woman married a guy that had a boat, a Harley, and a jetski. Those are signs that he likes these things, I would think. But after a while, she changes her mind, and expects him to change as well.

Something has to give, or I guess that's someone, and it's usually the wife.

Hey, she married him.

BTW, I'd really like to hear the other side of the story.

Its these kind of issues that make me glad that I'm not married. I know it works well for some people, even most people, but I guess I'm just not "grown up" enough to throw myself into servitude where I have to continually mold myself into a different person at the beckon call of the wife. I am what I am and that's that.

...men are now voting with their feet - and staying away.

Well, Yes, they are, sort of ... my son recently married a very Christian Indonesian girl who lives in the U.K. specifically because he saw what happened to me in my divorce. My daughter, on the other hand, is a class act (yes, I'm proud) -- good wife, good mother, mature. She always was mature. Son-in-law is very hard-working, a devoted family man and much more, actually. I have great admiration for him. If my daughter ever expressed any of the selfish brain-dead female nonsense coming from our universities and the young female class in this country/culture, I would verbally take her head off. If my son-in-law ever cheated on my daughter, he would hear from me immediately and in no uncertain terms. I might fly down and "drop in". I don't think these are liklihoods but I have no illusions about human fiobles, being myself human. "None of my business", you say? I don't see it that way. They're still my kids and will receive my guidance whenever I (not they) think it's appropriate. Happily, that hasn't happened for quite some years.

This is not a rant against my ex though. She is honorable and successful (and a better shot than I am)....by strela

I am happy that I got a good woman before all of the nonsense that is going on today became common....by Don Myers

The "Katherine" in your scenario is all the more tragic because she is one of the very few good women who actually live the true spirit of marriage. It cost her. I've seen it....nightdriver

You don't get it. These posts ooze hatred and loathing. Women get worked over in divorces, too. ...Dark Mirage

Yup....sounds like a bunch of hatred and loathing to me...only not on their side.

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