Posted on 07/06/2002 5:00:19 AM PDT by buccaneer81
A 'marriage strike' emerges as men decide not to risk loss
By Glenn Sacks and Dianna Thompson
Katherine is attractive, successful, witty, and educated. She also can't find a husband. Why? Because most of the men this thirtysomething software analyst dates do not want to get married. These men have Peter Pan syndrome: They refuse to commit, refuse to settle down, and refuse to "grow up."
However, given the family court policies and divorce trends of today, Peter Pan is no naive boy, but instead a wise man.
"Why should I get married and have kids when I could lose those kids and most of what I've worked for at a moment's notice?" asks Dan, a 31-year-old power plant technician who says he will never marry.
"I've seen it happen to many of my friends. I know guys who came home one day to an empty house or apartment - wife gone, kids gone. They never saw it coming. Some of them were never able to see their kids regularly again."
Census figures suggest that the marriage rate in the United States has dipped 40 percent during the last four decades to its lowest point since the rate was measured. There are many plausible explanations for this trend, but one of the least mentioned is that American men, in the face of a family court system hopelessly stacked against them, have subconsciously launched a "marriage strike."
It is not difficult to see why. Let's say that Dan defies Peter Pan, marries Katherine, and has two children. There is a 50 percent likelihood that this marriage will end in divorce within eight years, and if it does, the odds are 2-1 it will be Katherine, not Dan, who initiates the divorce. It may not matter that Dan was a decent husband. Studies show that few divorces are initiated over abuse or because the man has already abandoned the family. Nor is adultery cited as a factor by divorcing women appreciably more than by divorcing men.
While the courts may grant Dan and Katherine joint legal custody, the odds are overwhelming that it is Katherine, not Dan, who will win physical custody. Overnight, Dan, accustomed to seeing his kids every day and being an integral part of their lives, will become a "14 percent dad" - a father who is allowed to spend only one out of every seven days with his own children.
Once Katherine and Dan are divorced, odds are at least even that Katherine will interfere with Dan's visitation rights.
Three-quarters of divorced men surveyed say their ex-wives have interfered with their visitation, and 40 percent of mothers studied admitted that they had done so, and that they had generally acted out of spite or in order to punish their exes.
Katherine will keep the house and most of the couple's assets. Dan will need to set up a new residence and pay at least a third of his take-home pay to Katherine in child support.
As bad as all of this is, it would still make Dan one of the lucky ones. After all, he could be one of those fathers who cannot see his children at all because his ex has made a false accusation of domestic violence, child abuse, or child molestation. Or a father who can only see his own children under supervised visitation or in nightmarish visitation centers where dads are treated like criminals.
He could be one of those fathers whose ex has moved their children hundreds or thousands of miles away, in violation of court orders, which courts often do not enforce. He could be one of those fathers who tears up his life and career again and again in order to follow his children, only to have his ex-wife continually move them.
He could be one of the fathers who has lost his job, seen his income drop, or suffered a disabling injury, only to have child support arrearages and interest pile up to create a mountain of debt which he could never hope to pay off. Or a father who is forced to pay 70 percent or 80 percent of his income in child support because the court has imputed an unrealistic income to him. Or a dad who suffers from one of the child support enforcement system's endless and difficult to correct errors, or who is jailed because he cannot keep up with his payments. Or a dad who reaches old age impoverished because he lost everything he had in a divorce when he was middle-aged and did not have the time and the opportunity to earn it back.
"It's a shame," Dan says. "I always wanted to be a father and have a family. But unless the laws change and give fathers the same right to be a part of their children's lives as mothers have, it just isn't worth the risk."
Dianna Thompson is the founder and executive director of the American Coalition for Fathers and Children. She can be contacted by e-mail at DThompson2232@aol.com. Glenn Sacks writes about gender issues from the male perspective. He invites readers' comments at Glenn@GlennSacks.com.
Whoa...you're scaring me there bro.
I dropped a date off once and was confronted by the man she was engaged to..
Of course, she didn't mention being engaged. Little things like that obviously don't merit mentioning.
My heart absolutely broke for that guy. He was so crushed.
But, I bet today he is saying to himself "You know.. it's a good thing I found out about her before the wedding"
Whoa...you're scaring me there bro.
Mission accomplished.
That, and the fact that it's much easier to hound the husband for money than it used to be. Forty years ago, no judge would be stupid enough to allow a settlement that would leave the husband feeling raped, because it was easier for the husband to disappear and start a new life elsewhere, leaving the woman with no cash and a big mortgage on the house
The reason why more women initiate divorce is because the men realize they'll get the short end of the stick, and are more likely to slog on thru any problems, rather than call the lawyer.
Good Question! Really! Well, my oldest sister got divorced when I was pretty young and somewhat detached from the family. It took years for her and I to reconcile because I could never see the reason behind it. Fortunately, there were no kids and they made a strong effort at making it a mutual agreement. But, I didn't like what I saw. He was a cool guy. She was pretty nasty, but didn't take him to the cleaners as far as I know.
I had another sister get divorced, but this guy was a genuine scumbag. I know he was because while I was visiting them, he and I went out for a beer or two. He was trying to pick up every woman in the place. Did he think I wasn't there? Again, there were no kids so it wasn't such a big deal. Nor did she rake him over the coals - my sister has scruples.
Are they standing up for other men on a regular basis defending and urging what is right? How many male relatives are encouraging the wife to clean hubbys wealth?
I can't say I will stand up for every man, since I've seen at least one scumbag out there. But as the original article points out, divorces are not happening for respectable reasons in most cases. And, I don't beleive in cleaning anybody's clock over trivial BS. This is the kind of thing the article is talking about; not legit abuse, cheating, or any of that kind of thing. It is pointing out that divorce on demand serves only to enslave the male to a lifetime of "child support" (aka alimony in disguise) payments to a ruthless ex. Its pointing out that young men are beginning to see what their fathers went through and don't want to make the same mistakes.
Scouts Out! Cavalry Ho!
I just want to save my son this kind of grief thirty years from now. It's too late for us.
Those two guys are doomed. Five years or less.
all the networks have turned into, "Lifetime.... television for male-bashing(gay)feminists" anyway.
Yeah. The wife's boyfriend. That's what landed me in jail. Quite an experience.
at first, i thought this was gonna get a little weird....
Dude, it's already there.
Sane people do not put their hands intop garbage disposal. OTOH, lots of sane people get married.
What a coincidence. My ex loved that channel. I swear she thought the divorce was only going to take two hours instead of two years. See what TV will do to you ;-)
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