Posted on 06/30/2002 8:41:55 AM PDT by xp38
Today's winner of the annual Cap and Gown Roulette Game is ... Lorne Michaels! Come on down, Mr. Saturday Night Live! Accept your honorary degree from University of Toronto!
Last week's parchment prize winner was TV's beloved Mr. Rogers - Fred McFeely Rogers - at Dartmouth University. Graduating students griped they deserved better than a man who talks to puppets. As if.
Truth is, showbiz and celebrityhood have muscled their way into the halls of academe. Unlikely candidates are chased with the fervour of bookers on TV talk shows. Fred Rogers is a definite "get".
"It's like Barney the dinosaur speaking at our graduation," whined one Dartmouth snotnose of Mr. Rogers' induction into his educational Valhalla. "Some of us want someone we can remember," sniffs another, "someone from CNN, not a children's entertainer."
Someone from CNN? A TelePrompter hero? There's the cream of the crop. Knowing which camera to look into now counts as achievement.
Kermit the Frog has a "doctorate of amphibious letters" from Long Island University. It "recognizes the web-footed thespian's contribution to raising environmental awareness." Sing out for the swamp.
Danny Glover and Tom Brokaw strut new ribbons and mortarboards from Cornell and Cal Tech. Alan Alda (U of New Mexico) and Elmore Leonard (U of Michigan) are honored. Even Yankees owner George Steinbrenner boasts a swell honorary degree from Quinnipiac University in Connecticut. The most-hated windbag in sport!
What next? Is Mike Tyson on today's educational most wanted list? Bachelor of bad vibe and pugilism. But think of the coverage! Some lucky school will make Jay Leno's monologue and Entertainment Tonight.
Oh sure, there may still be an honorary degree or two for obscure Nobel scientists, biologists and disease researchers. Boring economists, physicists with no jokes. But for a Name Brand University commencement requires a Name Brand speaker. A celeb with marquee value. Public persona. Stage presence. Writers.
To heck with inspiration. What commencement "shows" increasingly demand is entertainment. Stand-up. One-liners. Laughs.
Wrong: "Graduating class of 2002: we stand here this morning on the brink of a bright future ... "
Right: "I didn't have any trouble parking for commencement today. I drive a fork lift ..."
There aren't enough Rudy Giulianis (Syracuse), Kofi Annans (U of Puget Sound) and World Bank presidents (MIT) to go around. Bill Clinton won't return calls. And face it: Novelists, politicians and the Aspers are boring.
Somebody's gotta book Cokie Roberts. (Tulane) And Steve Kroft. Henry "The Fonz" Winkler. Tom Clancy. Ted Koppel. Tim Russert. William Safire, sitcom stars, Adam Sandler.
I welcome shtick and spotlights to the commencement stage. Next June, I demand honorary degrees for ....
Pamela Anderson ... For her unfailing leadership in fashion, running and cantilevered design.
Spongebob Squarepants ... For contributions to undersea understanding in Bikini Bottom and expanding the uses of Crabby Cakes.
The brunette in Herbal Essence commercials ... For bringing wet new experiences and excitement to courtrooms and elevators across the land.
Don Cherry ... For spinning 20 years of nationally-entertaining intermission clowndom out of an all-too-brief and shruggable sports career.
Rex Murphy ... For returning adjectives and metaphor to their rightful place: shimmering jewels of the linguistic heavens.
Martha Stewart ... For not answering the phone before she sold her stock.
What about the Pillsbury Dough Boy? Ben Affleck? Skaters Jamie Sale & David Pelletier? Forget Peter Mansbridge and Alice Munro. Here are your commencement speakers of tomorrow, lucky Classes of '03, '04, '05.
Is Scooby Doo available? Book 'em, Dano.
I read the other day that Alec Baldwin got his honorary degree from the fashion institute. That just about says it all.
The sad thing is that Tyson did get an honorary doctorate. Addressing the females in the audience, Iron Mike said he hoped it was in gynecology, or words to that effect.
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