Celebrity Boxing II: A Blow-by-Blow

Eight of our, um, favorite celebrities? No, that wouldn't be right. Well, eight people who are, for one reason or another sort of almost famous (or, more likely, infamous -- such as Joey Buttafuoco, shown at right) square off in four boxing mismatches. Who wins? Who loses? And who will hopefully reach the end of their 15 minutes of fame?

I'm in a really bad mood right now, which is bad for me but good for you, the readers, because this recap will feature more brutality in my puns then Lorena Bobbit had in her left hand when she whacked off her husband's wang. Speaking of which, John Wayne Bobbit was originally going to be on this show and fight Joey Buttafuoco, but he beat up his new wife instead. And really, wasn't that what got him in trouble in the first place? The press is reporting that he struck her because she didn't want him to go on this show, and I could see that. Hell, it's just a silly boxing match, and his wife chewed off his head about it!

You might know Darva better as the winning media whore from the Fox special Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire? The marriage between her and not-quite-a-millionaire husband Rick Rockwell was annulled after a few days and she went on to pose for Playboy. In interviews, she said that Rockwell wanted too much from her, and it creeped her out when he kissed her and wanted to have sex with her. Has anyone actually explained to her what husbands do with their wives? Maybe she thought it was just a gag or something, and please someone explain to me how anyone can possibly feel sorry for her. Everyone brings up how she was in the Army as if that makes her intelligent or something. Listen up folks, she's a BIM-BO, and while Rockwell's life as he knew it is over, she's making a living off of her notoriety as a slut. God, I do love this country.

Olga was a gold medal winning Olympic gymnast 1976, and is, to say the least, not very tall. After Barry Williams from The Brady Bunch and the original boxing special sings the national anthem, the action starts. As a reminder, boxers are wearing 18-ounce gloves and head gear. The women wear extra big head gear because women are pansies who can't take a punch. How else do you explain it?

Darva comes out and fires three big shots right into little Olga's face. I reckon that Army training has turned her into a cold-blooded fighting machine. That, or she gets another spread in Playboy if she wins. Korbut gets in a quick uppercut to Darva's chin, but that was the extent of her offense in round one, as Conger was completely in control. Maybe that's why she and Rockwell couldn't hit it off. Then again, maybe it was because the cameras were off.

The crowd likes Darva, but I question calling this "Celebrity Boxing." If they really wanted to add some spice to this show, they should have made it Darva Conger vs. Rick Rockwell. Two media whores with a linked background kicking the crap out of each other is what this show should be about, and not a random mix of fighters. And if they are going to let the notorious (and in the case of Tanya Harding or Joey Buttafuoco, outright criminals) fight, why not just hire O.J. Simpson and Detective Mark Fuhrman to fight each other? Think of the ratings!

Round 2, and Darva lands two really sharp head shots right off the bat. Olga is totally out-matched as Darva fires off head shots forcing Korbut into the ropes. The referee separates them, and then both fighters throw huge shots at each other that connect at the same time. This serves only to make Darva mad, and she starts PLASTERING Olga with big uppercuts as the bell rings. I thought the referee would wave off the fight, but...

Round 3 begins, and Olga receives some very hard straight-rights from Conger, forcing her to run. Conger just keeps going at her with the right hand, and Olga can't avoid them because of her size and reach disadvantage. Olga and Darva have a quick exchange, with Olga actually getting better shots in. But it's not enough, as Darva goes back to the head as the bell rings. Conger wins a brutally mismatched fight that should never have happened. Give us Darva vs. Tanya Harding! NOW! Post match, Michael Buffer asks how Darva feels. She responds with "I Do." Just kidding.

It's a battle of TV nerds. Palillo from Welcome Back Kotter and Diamond from Saved by the Bell. Now, coming into this, I know two things. One, Palillo is in his fifties. Two, Diamond has done professional wrestling and is a martial arts expert. I unofficially knew one other thing: Palillo was screwed.

Diamond had 50 pounds and a couple of inches on him. I'm talking about OVERALL body size, you sickos.

Round #1, and the two have the weakest exchange I've seen on the show, leading me to believe they might have been pulling their punches. That notion is put to rest as Diamond dazes Palilo with a fury of body shots, then taunts him and plays to the crowd. They approach each other again, and Dustin appears to have hit Ron below the belt in two straight shots as the round ends. I have no clue how Diamond got away with it.

Round 2, and faster then I could type "Round," Diamond knocked down Palillo with a huge shot. A standing 8-count follows, although Palillo wants to skip the count and go back on the attack. After the count, Dustin rushes in and really starts to drill Ron, forcing a non-fall standing 8-count. Dustin plays to the crowd again, which suckers Ron to rush Diamond. Diamond catches the frantic Palillo right in the face with a MASSIVE head shot, which leaves the crowd buzzing. A few more jabs send Palillo down, and the referee called the fight.

Perry is a former football star for our non-pigskin loving fans, while Bol is a SEVEN FOOT-SEVEN INCH giant from the Sudan who is a former NBA star with the Washington Bullets, among other teams. Now, I'm a huge NBA fan (Blazers for life!), and I think Bol gets too much criticism. Many people say that he was only there because he was very tall, and while that's true, he was hardly a poor player. Sadly, the only thing most fans care about as it relates to basketball is scoring. That's why guys like Michael Jordan or Kobe Bryant are regarded as the best players while Dennis Rodman or Shawn Bradley are considered overrated. Hometown fans go nuts for big defensive plays, but really don't care who actually made the play, unless it's one of their favorite scorers. That way, they can crow about how he's not "just about scoring." That's why I like Bol, because he would give his teams a couple blocks and a good amount of rebounds each game. He wasn't there to score, but he could do it. Once, I saw him make six straight three-pointers in a game. At 43, I don't think he will make a comeback, but he would be a solid backup to any center playing in the game today.

As for Perry... well... he's a fat tub of goo who has fought in some of the crappiest matches in FX's Toughman history, so I'm not expecting very much. He also weighs roughly four-hundred thousand pounds, and looks to be one trip to Jack in the Box away from a heart attack. He can barely fit through the ring ropes. If Fox insists on using him, I think they should go with Celebrity Glutton Bowl. Stick him with Rosie O'Donnell and Oprah and let them go at it! Ratings!

Before the match starts, I'll plug Manute Bol's charity that he's fighting for. It's relief for the people of Sudan, and the number you can call is 1-800-54-Sudan. (10 to 1 odds say not one of you calls it.)

The match begins with stalling. And stalling. A little more stalling. All this stalling has caused Perry to break out into a sweat, I kid you not. Manute has such a huge reach that Perry is afraid to get close to him. The Fridge tries to get close enough to start throwing punches but Manute fends him off with some jabs. Bol looks like a very tall stick figure. Round one ends, and a mix of boos are heard because of the non-action.

Round 2, and it gets worse. Manute can only land a few rabbit punches because Perry simply would not fight. The round comes to an end with no action. Round 3 starts with yet another long stall session. The referee warns them to either fight or not get paid. And Perry, god bless him, suddenly because a raging animal, running straight for Bol and throwing almost two whole punches before blowing himself out. Bol, who has no developed muscle to speak of, glances a few shots off Perry as the fight comes to an end. The judges awarded the match to Manute Bol, and the less said about it, the better.

As mentioned above, it was supposed to be Buttafuoco vs. John Wayne Bobbit, but Bobbit couldn't cut it with his wife. Instead, we get talentless she-male Joaine Laurer, better known as Chyna back when the WWE was the WWF. She left the company because they wouldn't pay her what they pay real stars like Triple H, Steve Austin, Chris Jericho, etc. This act made her the second straight WWF female to pose for Playboy and then quickly leave thinking that she was now bigger then the company that made her. Speaking of which, how long until Rena "Sable" Mero signs up for this crap? Laurer's agent also got in her ear that she was a lock to play a villain in Terminator 3. It might have happened, but without the WWF marketing machine to help promote the movie, it was decided that the role would go to a real actor. Her fans say, "See, she's not doing so bad! She's on Celebrity Boxing on Fox!" Right, as opposed to being on TV every week in the WWE. Great career move!

Meanwhile, Buttafuoco had sex with 16-year-old Amy Fisher, who then shot his wife. He served only a few years in jail before getting released, and now he's able to live off of the fame the case generated for him. As I said in my original Celebrity Boxing recap, the stuff that makes you famous in this country is a little scary. Arrange to have a figure skater attacked, have a sixteen-year-old child try to bump off your wife, whore yourself out to a rich guy on national TV, that's all it takes! I would be more disturbed if they used their fame to be on a trashy TV station instead of being showcased on a classy network like Fox.

Before the match, Lauler claims that nobody in America likes Joey Buttafuoco. Meanwhile, viewers across America ask themselves "Who the %$&# is Joaine Laurer?" Ah, Vince McMahon's media machine is cruel when you aren't part of it.

Round 1 starts, and Joey runs in and smashes Chyna with four straight sharp jabs right in her face. She runs for it. The referee breaks them up. They restart, and now Laurer won't even get close to Buttafuoco as the round ends.

Round 2, and this is where things get fun. Chyna tries to attack right away, but Buttafuoco physically throws her away. I'm happy, as Laurer can't possibly return to the WWE because her gimmick of being tougher then men is ruined. It should be a disqualification, but the referee allows the match to continue. Joey gets a few more shots in before the round ends. The fans are booing the crap out Buttafuoco, and he seems to love every moment of it.

Round 3 starts. Joey brushes off a few of Chyna's jabs and starts to really pound the crap out of her, using a really cheap tactic of holding the back of her head so that she can't avoid the punches. This referee has to be an idiot. Finally, he knocks her head gear loose. If I didn't know better, I would say Buttafuoco popped her jaw back to it's original shape and location. Once the head gear is back on, Joey continues the beating, making Chyna look pathetic. The round ends, and the fans chant for Lauler. However, the judges side with Buttafuoco. In a parting shot, Chyna challenges Buttafuoco to a wrestling match. I'm sure Vince McMahon responded with, "Who the %$&# is Joaine Laurer?" Ah that McMahon, a class act all the way. Recently, legendary wrestler Davey Boy Smith, better known as the British Bulldog, passed away at 39 and when the WWE did a tribute to him before Raw, Vince McMahon sounded like the sound bite couldn't be finished faster. Don't expect to see Chyna back in the WWE following her showing tonight. She was completely out-matched by, GASP, a guy! Who would have thunk it?

Like last time, the show was pretty solid, but I have to insist that a better mix of more balanced fighters be included next time. Every fight tonight featured one person who had a huge size and reach advantage over their opponent. If they can't match size, they might as well try to come up with a mix of people who would have a reason to fight each other. I see no reason why these specials won't creep up every few months on the network. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if Celebrity Boxing was made into a weekly show. Remember, in addition to ripping off every single trend ever developed, Fox also beats every good idea into the ground. I can't believe The Simpsons made it this long with them! Fox has no shame, and they show it. They shamelessly rip off every major TV show, make the rip-off product as trashy as possibly, and then throw it on there and just KNOW people will watch it. Hell, I anxiously volunteered to recap the Glutton Bowl, so I'm just as guilty. I'm just saying that I don't know how their executives can sleep at night.

Thanks for the fight recaps. Your commentary was certainly better than what I missed on TV yesterday and I'm glad of it even though the hockey game I watched instead sucked. My Aves choked.

Wasn't Olga Korbitt recently arrested for shoplifting or something 'cause she's completely destitute? I'd like to see her and Oxanna Baiul (Russian? figure skater party girl drunk Mercedes driver) go at it.

Lets see, then Erkle versus Gary Coleman?

How about Whoraldo Rivera versus Jerry Springer?

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