Clinton Jokes

Late Night Jokes ^

[My Identity]

Senator Hillary Clinton has gained about 30 pounds since being in office. President Clinton says he doesn’t mind - because this way he can hear her coming.
- Conan, May 21

Do you have Star-Wars fever? It’s one of those things where you try to hold back then when it gets here you can’t help yourself. Here’s an example, President Clinton has Star-Wars fever, he was up at his house in Chappaqua and was using the force on an intern.
- Letterman, May 21

Democrats are upset with the Republicans for selling a photo of President Bush on Sept. 11 that shows him on the telephone. For $150 you can buy this picture of President Bush on the telephone. To be fair, though, the Democrats are selling a picture of Bill Clinton on an intern.
- Letterman, May 17

I drove by one theater today and "Star Wars" was playing and all the people in line were dressed up like Star Wars characters. Then I drove by another theater where "Spider-Man" was playing and the people were dressed up like Spider-Man. Then I drove by the theater where "Unfaithful" was playing and the people were dressed like Bill Clinton.
- Kilborn, May 17

There was talk earlier this week of Hillary Clinton running for vice president. I didn't know you could run for vice president. But they say if it can be done, Hillary will do it. So she's been denying it - doesn't it make you feel good again to know that a Clinton is denying something?
- Letterman, May 16

Since Hillary has become senator she has gained over 30 pounds! That's just what Bill needs - more wife!
- Letterman, May 16

Thirty pounds she's gained. Of course, Bill keeps in shape by working out on interns.
- Letterman, May 16

Despite all his book deals and speaking engagements, Bill Clinton still hasn’t paid off all his legal fees. He owes over $4 million! Clinton's lawyer Bill Bennett said, "We had an agreement and he has an obligation and commitment to pay." Hillary replied, "Good luck! Let me know how that works out!"
- Leno, May 15

We have a senator here in New York - how many of you remember Hillary Clinton? Well, she's been under a lot of stress, she's put on 30 pounds. She's put on so much weight that Bill hit on her!
- Letterman, May 15

[mc5cents]

LOL!!! That was great. Copied and sent to all my E-mail buddies.

[timestax]

bttt

[let freedom sing]

What was that about 30 lbs.?

[Jack Bull]

[TC Rider]

Man, I love Clinton in Hell jokes.

[EODGUY]

It appears to me that little willy was very happy to see Walter Cronkite. You know his posture had nothing to do with the other person in the photo.

[Junior]

Bump.

[Pagey]

Flashback-----NOVEMBER 11 2001-----This I saved from somewhere.Just a Reminder!:^)

"Done arguing"

The resignation of former President Bill Clinton late last week from the Supreme Court bar — on the final day the high court allowed for defense of a disbarment measure issued in early October — is being hailed by the Southeastern Legal Foundation (SLF).
It was the SLF that filed the first formal complaint with the Arkansas Supreme Court committee on attorney ethics in 1998. It calls Mr. Clinton's decision to resign from the bar the "inevitable conclusion for any attorney who admits to lying under oath and obstructing justice."
Phil Kent, president of the SLF, tells us that Mr. Clinton now is ensured a "place in legal history as the only sitting U.S. president to face disbarment charges, and only the second U.S. president to lose his law license."
Richard M. Nixon lost his license to practice law after he left office.
"When you can't practice law before the U.S. Supreme Court, that makes rehabilitation in any jurisdiction a practical impossibility," says Mr. Kent.

And that's no Joke.

[pankot]

o my gawd! piano legs!

[let freedom sing]

o my gawd! piano legs!

when was the last time you actually saw a pianos' legs, unless you were looking at a sqaure grand? LOL

[Quix]

She proved that as long as her husband is in East Timor she's got the political instincts of an Acapulco cliff diver at low tide.

I love it. Best of the lot.

[Wave Rider]

Hell if thats as big as it gets he mite as well jump over the side and let the Sharks get a Meal of Worthless Sh*t.

[My Identity]

Who's the woman in your number 1?

[TC Rider]

Me too.
Satan's going to be real bad after Bubba teaches him some tricks.

He'll be pissed when Bubba brings his sister back.

[Pagey]

Heyyyyyy,what the hell does he have in there? A Refugee Shrimper and his Family?

[My Identity]

As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary request over the loudspeaker:
"Mr. President, would you please return the stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land."

[My Identity]

Bill Goes To Heaven

At the Pearly Gates of Heaven...
"And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the
United States and Leader of the Free World."

"Oh...Mr... President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter.

"I'd like to come in," replies Clinton.

"Sure," says the Saint. "But first, you have to confess your sins.
What bad things have you done in your life?"

Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana,
but you can't call it 'dope-smoking' because I didn't inhale.
There were inappropriate extramarital relationships,
but you can't call it 'adultery' because I didn't have 'sexual relations.'
And I made some statements that were misleading but legally accurate,
but you can't call it 'bearing false witness' because, as far as I know,
it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury."

With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly,
and declares, "Okay, here's the deal.
We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'Hell'.
You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity'.
And when you enter, you don't have to abandon all hope,
just hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

[My Identity]

White House staffers were perplexed one morning to see Bill Clinton walk into the Oval Office with a pair of women's panties on his arm. Somewhat used to the president's tendencies, they let it go and went about their daily tasks. The day wore on; several VIP's were ushered in and out of the Oval Office for meetings with Clinton about important affairs of the state. Each one left with a puzzled expression on their face but no one dared ask about the President's personal business. Finally, Betty Currie, Clinton's loyal secretary walked into the office between appointments and gently closed the door behind her. "Mr. President," she said, "We've come to expect many unusual things from you but we're quite concerned that you seem to be wearing a pair of women's panties on your arm. Please tell me this doesn't mean more trouble." "Oh no," the President grinned. "It's The Patch. I'm trying to quit."