Why do men cheat on their wives?

Ask Dr Gaylen ^

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

do  Why Do Men Cheat on Their Wives?

QUESTION:  

My husband is very much a flirt. Because of this as well as numerous other reasons, I think my husband is having an affair. I don?t think I am lust being paranoid. Please give me some help in understanding why men cheat, because I don?t think it is just me.   

  ANSWER:  

Your dilemma is one that is all too common. You are probably right when you say that it is not ?just me.?  It takes two to make a marriage or break a   marriage, and it takes two to have an affair. The fact that he has always been ?a flirt? suggests that, at one time, he was that way with you. You probably responded in a way that made him feel special, wanted, and needed, and reinforced his flirting behavior. This ties in with

 the first and main reason why men have affairs: to feed  their ego. The problem with us males is that feeling good about ourselves, or meeting our ?ego needs,? is our primary goal in life. Therefore, the first reason why men get involved in affairs is that it feeds their egos.

   The second reason is what we call ?misplaced anger.? For example lets consider the husband who is really mad at his wife for whatever reason. He may have an affair with some other woman as a way of making his wife ?pay. ? Instead of directing his anger toward her (which he may be afraid to do), or expressing the anger in a way that will help the relationship change, he just has sex with some other woman This action then feeds his ego (because someone else wants him), so he now feels good (physically and emotionally) and he doesn?t feel as angry with his wife. In his anger, he has made her pay.

   The third reason why men have affairs is boredom. The Bible (Proverbs 9:1 7) tells us  ?stolen melons are the sweetest,  stolen apples taste the best.?  In modem times this means that the ?grass is greener on the other side of the fence.? ?If I don?t have enough excitement in my life, I will create some.?

5 Reasons Why Men Cheat
on Their Wives

       1.  LOSS OF EGO
             A man?s primary need is to feel good about
             himself.  When he doesn?t he finds ways to
             meet this primary goal .

       2.   MISPLACED ANGER
              He may be angry at his wife but, rather
              than  deal with problem, he has an affair to
              ? make her pay?  

        3.   BOREDOM 
              Affairs are rarely boring; they tend to be
              exciting and full of life. Even the fear of
              getting caught causes excitement.  

        4.   ESCAPE FROM EMOTIONAL PAIN  
              The male sex drive provides a distraction
               or ?vacation? from emotional pain.  

      5.   NEED FOR NURTURE & INTIMACY
               If these needs are being met, men have
               no need to look elsewhere

 Children who are raised in alcoholic homes, for example, become what we refer to as ?adult children of alcoholics.? One key characteristic is that they become easily bored with life should it become too ?stable.?  
Children in alcoholic homes are raised with nothing being stable. As adults, they are then more comfortable in an unstable environment than in a stable one. This is why they become ?bored? and actually create chaos - because it is what is most familiar or comfortable to them. We all tend to repeat our past, whether that is a positive past or a negative past. If it was unstable then, we feel most comfortable in creating an unstable one now. 

The fourth reason why men have affairs is to escape emotional pain. Our sex drive is the second strongest drive within us -second only to self-preservation. Sex therefore can easily be used as a strong distraction from some emotional pain we do not want to feel. Few things in life are more intense than fulfilling this sex drive with a climax or orgasm. For this reason, a man can use sex as a way to distract him from emotional pain, like problems at home or work. It feels good to him physically, and he gets a vacation from the rest of his feelings of hurt and pain. This is why pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry. He can receive instant gratification just by looking at a magazine, the Internet, a video, etc., and have a secondary benefit of taking a vacation from some internalized emotional pain. 

The fifth reason is the desire for nurture and intimacy. A recent study from the Florida State University found that premature babies who were massaged by their mothers on a regular daily basis developed physically 60% faster than those who did not receive this extra ?touching.? We all need human touch. It is a special form of nurture. When men don?t feel nurtured and cared for by their wives, they will seek it elsewhere. Everyone, males and females need to be nurtured with touch.

[ValerieUSA]

There ya go!

[RedBloodedAmerican]

There I go what?

[ValerieUSA]

There ya go just awalkin' down the street, singin' doowah diddy diddy doo ditty.... is it diddy or ditty?

[RedBloodedAmerican]

Thats a fact, Jack!

[warriorfor honor]

Why do men cheat on their wives? A man would never cheat! That is for those who not earned the title of Man. And there are to many of those in the world today.

[ValerieUSA]

There is a difference between real men and overgrown boys - overgrown boys are dangerous.

[ValerieUSA]

The idea that "being in love" is the only reason for remaining married really leaves no room for marriage as a contract or promise at all. If love is the whole thing, then the promise can add nothing; and if it adds nothing, then it should not be made.
~ C.S. Lewis ... Mere Christianity

Of course there is more to this. His thought is not completed in just that brief passage - but it's something to think about until I add the rest of the story.

[LN2Campy]

That's no girl, that's a whore.

Well, I've often been treated better by some "whores" than by some so-called "ladies".

[Sloth]

Anyone with a brain will tell you that rape isnt sex.

Really?

"Rape n. 1. The crime of forcing a person (esp.a female) to submit to sexual intercourse. -- tr. v. 1. To force (a female) to submit to sexual intercourse." -- The American Heritage Dictionary

If desire for sex is, as you say, a biological imperative exempt from any ethical boundaries, then why shouldn't a man commit rape? In fact, according to your claims, I can't see where a man without a willing sexual partner would have any choice but to do so, since he is a slave to his hormones with no free will.

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

Ok, so you have your own Monica Lewinsky. Are we all supposed to be proud of you?

[LN2Campy]

That wasn't at all what I said, but let me spell it out -- I'd rather be with a "loose" girl with some decency and compassion than some of the sanctimonious judgmental prudes that seem to hang around here.

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

a "loose" girl with some decency

No such thing. Girls who sleep with married man as his ' whore on the side' have no decency.

[KansasGirl]

You are a very admirable man.

[MsBoomop1]

Men as well as women cheat on their spouses because they do not take their marriage vows seriously. I love my husband very much and would never cheat on him. My marriage vows mean that I love him through all sicknesses and I love him whether we are rich or poor. We don't always agree on everything but we do agree the part of the vows that say What God has joined together let no man put apart. I think if couples would sit down and seriously think about what marriage is all about they would make sure the spouse is someone they want to spend the rest of their life with.

[harpseal]

Thank you for your kind words I just say as I see it. I am really not all that different from most others. I doubt there is a man or woman who has not had the opportunity to cheat on their spouse. There simple fact is one still must face one's self after and to do so would I think be absolutely intolerable.

That said I do admit to chasing every female who was possibly available and attractive to me when I was single. I never, knowingly, included married women in that pursuit and I did at least look for a wedding ring and ask. I further, admit to looking and appreciating the many beautiful women everyone sees every day.

Were I not to do that I would have to check to see if I was still breathing. When I am asked what people should look for in a spouse I will usually answer that the most important things are shared values and sense of personal honor. That and love of your spouse will sustain you through the bad times and there will always be bad times, unfortunately.

Stay well - stay safe - Stay armed - Yorktown

[ValerieUSA]

More C.S. Lewis (source: Mere Christianity) on Marriage:

There are two reasons why I do not want to deal with Christian marriage. The first is that Christian doctrines on this subject are extremely unpopular. The second is that I have never been married myself, (he was married later in life after this book was written) and therefore, can only speak at it secondhand. But in spite of that, I feel I can hardly leave the subject out in an account of Christian morals.
The Christian idea of marriage is based on Christ's words that a man and wife are to be regarded as a single organism - for that is what the words "one flesh" would be in modern English. And the Christians believe that when He said this He was not expressing a sentiment but stating a fact - just as one is stating a fact when one says a lock and a key are one mechanism, or that a violin and a bow are one musical instrument. The inventor of the human machine was telling us that its two halves, the male and the female, were made to be combined together in pairs, not simply on the sexual level, but totally combined. The monstrosity of sexual intercourse outside marriage is that those who indulge in it are trying to isolate one kind of union (the sexual) from all the other kinds of union which were intended to go along with it and make up the total union. The Christian attitude does not mean that there is anything wrong about sexual pleasure, any more than about the pleasure of eating. It means that you must not isolate that pleasure and try to get it by itself, any more than you ought to try to get the pleasures of tasting without swallowing and digesting, by chewing things and spitting them out again.

[Sloth]

You know what the hell I'm talking about, you just dont like it

I know that you're lying. Possibly to yourself, if you're a complete moron, but most certainly to everyone else.

[bluthund]

yes