Why do men cheat on their wives?

Ask Dr Gaylen ^

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

do  Why Do Men Cheat on Their Wives?

QUESTION:  

My husband is very much a flirt. Because of this as well as numerous other reasons, I think my husband is having an affair. I don?t think I am lust being paranoid. Please give me some help in understanding why men cheat, because I don?t think it is just me.   

  ANSWER:  

Your dilemma is one that is all too common. You are probably right when you say that it is not ?just me.?  It takes two to make a marriage or break a   marriage, and it takes two to have an affair. The fact that he has always been ?a flirt? suggests that, at one time, he was that way with you. You probably responded in a way that made him feel special, wanted, and needed, and reinforced his flirting behavior. This ties in with

 the first and main reason why men have affairs: to feed  their ego. The problem with us males is that feeling good about ourselves, or meeting our ?ego needs,? is our primary goal in life. Therefore, the first reason why men get involved in affairs is that it feeds their egos.

   The second reason is what we call ?misplaced anger.? For example lets consider the husband who is really mad at his wife for whatever reason. He may have an affair with some other woman as a way of making his wife ?pay. ? Instead of directing his anger toward her (which he may be afraid to do), or expressing the anger in a way that will help the relationship change, he just has sex with some other woman This action then feeds his ego (because someone else wants him), so he now feels good (physically and emotionally) and he doesn?t feel as angry with his wife. In his anger, he has made her pay.

   The third reason why men have affairs is boredom. The Bible (Proverbs 9:1 7) tells us  ?stolen melons are the sweetest,  stolen apples taste the best.?  In modem times this means that the ?grass is greener on the other side of the fence.? ?If I don?t have enough excitement in my life, I will create some.?

5 Reasons Why Men Cheat
on Their Wives

       1.  LOSS OF EGO
             A man?s primary need is to feel good about
             himself.  When he doesn?t he finds ways to
             meet this primary goal .

       2.   MISPLACED ANGER
              He may be angry at his wife but, rather
              than  deal with problem, he has an affair to
              ? make her pay?  

        3.   BOREDOM 
              Affairs are rarely boring; they tend to be
              exciting and full of life. Even the fear of
              getting caught causes excitement.  

        4.   ESCAPE FROM EMOTIONAL PAIN  
              The male sex drive provides a distraction
               or ?vacation? from emotional pain.  

      5.   NEED FOR NURTURE & INTIMACY
               If these needs are being met, men have
               no need to look elsewhere

 Children who are raised in alcoholic homes, for example, become what we refer to as ?adult children of alcoholics.? One key characteristic is that they become easily bored with life should it become too ?stable.?  
Children in alcoholic homes are raised with nothing being stable. As adults, they are then more comfortable in an unstable environment than in a stable one. This is why they become ?bored? and actually create chaos - because it is what is most familiar or comfortable to them. We all tend to repeat our past, whether that is a positive past or a negative past. If it was unstable then, we feel most comfortable in creating an unstable one now. 

The fourth reason why men have affairs is to escape emotional pain. Our sex drive is the second strongest drive within us -second only to self-preservation. Sex therefore can easily be used as a strong distraction from some emotional pain we do not want to feel. Few things in life are more intense than fulfilling this sex drive with a climax or orgasm. For this reason, a man can use sex as a way to distract him from emotional pain, like problems at home or work. It feels good to him physically, and he gets a vacation from the rest of his feelings of hurt and pain. This is why pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry. He can receive instant gratification just by looking at a magazine, the Internet, a video, etc., and have a secondary benefit of taking a vacation from some internalized emotional pain. 

The fifth reason is the desire for nurture and intimacy. A recent study from the Florida State University found that premature babies who were massaged by their mothers on a regular daily basis developed physically 60% faster than those who did not receive this extra ?touching.? We all need human touch. It is a special form of nurture. When men don?t feel nurtured and cared for by their wives, they will seek it elsewhere. Everyone, males and females need to be nurtured with touch.

[discostu]

Oh absolutely. You've got to try to save the marriage first. One of my problem with people that stay together for the kids is that they usually don't try to save the marriage, they begin approaching it as a prison sentence, just serving time til the last kid goes to college. To me you swore before God that you'd make this thing work, before walking out the door for the last time you better be ready to look Him in the eye and say "I tried, I tried hard" (full disclosure, I'm an atheist, but God is a useful concept from which to hinge morality, I've found it best to believe in Him when contemplating the hard parts of life), if you're not then get back in there.

[strictlyaminorleaguer]

Mel would be great, and in fact, I adore him...but I was crazy about RC in A Beautiful Mind. (You must have missed my being ribbed for describing myself as a "fellow woman" in my first reply to you!).

[Don Myers]

You are welcome. And a wink back.

[strictlyaminorleaguer]

Well said.

[discostu]

The nighttime crowd is cooler about that in general. Don't be too determined. As some comedian (I think Ray Ramano) once said: screwing up kids is what parents do, the ones that try not to just wind up screwing them up in wierd subtle ways that are more expensive to fix.

[CyberAnt]

I like your reply - because I think men who are confident their wives would really kill them, are less likely to fool around.

Do you think some men cheat as a way of getting their wives to pay attention to them?? I've often wondered about that.

[discostu]

Depends on the era when you gave your vows (or picked them from). Personally my wife is far too good a shot to ever be expected to obey, we both cherish.

[Don Myers]

"Do you think some men cheat as a way of getting their wives to pay attention to them?? "

Personally, I doubt it. Well, maybe a few immature specimens might.

[Canticle_of_Deborah]

I don't know how to say this because it will probably come out wrong, but that's pretty amazing to me that a person who identifies as atheist has such a moral head on his shoulders. I mean, if I was an atheist, I would be the most evil, homicidal, bi&%h on the planet. That sounds bad but true. Belief in a Divine source is what keeps me on the path. My hat's off to you, especially for your honesty. I think I just opened myself up to flaming, YIKES!!

[discostu]

Speak for yourself. Mack, if you're in the mood for table dancing I've got $5. Anytime anyplace.

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

How do I make it up to you, minor leaguer? You want a table dance?

You are aware this is a conservative forum. Your name calling and asking for a table dance is not endearing.

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

I think that one reason why both men and women cheat on their spouses stems from the common lifestyle of bedding anything that moves before marriage.

You hit the nail on the head. When sex is casual when unmarried then what would magically change after marriage? I hope women understand that bedding a man doesn't mean that he loves you, it means that you are in the room.

[cmsgop]

Any man with a sense of honor does not cheat on his wife period.

Nuff Said..........Bravo! Thats the way I Feel.

[BJungNan]

It depends on what the definition of is is.

[Don Myers]

"I hope women understand that bedding a man doesn't mean that he loves you, it means that you are in the room."

It only means that people have taken something that should mean something, a bonding between a man and a woman, and turned it into something that means nothing.

[discostu]

I think it's how I got to atheism. Basically I figured out that 6 out of the 10 Commandments are just plain a good idea regardless of faith, then I sussed onto the fact that the 7 deadly sins really should be avoided, and the 7 virtues are pretty helpful. I spent a long time seeking and in the process I found that most religions actually prescribe and proscribe a lot of the same behavior and that said behavior really is a good idea (and are actually present in Locke's Social Contract). My theory is that religions are constructed to store the rules of society and provide a carot and stick to get people to follow them. Unless I'm in one of my moods when I'm more of an agnostic (happens sometimes, like September 12th), then my theory is that God made all these religions to make sure everybody got the important part of the message and that's what He really cares about.

Also I never turned into one of those people that hates religion. I still respect it and complain about the ACLU. Because I was raised in a 50s style Catholic household I do get twitchy when people start waving their faith around (ala Deon Sanders), but I know that comes from my Catholic roots, not my atheist leaves. Sadly I am a rather unusual atheist. If I was typical there would be peace between the factions.

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

I don't need a 22 year old lecturing me. You have been here two weeks, you might want to chill out before you go attacking people who have been here for years.