Why do men cheat on their wives?

Ask Dr Gaylen ^

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

do  Why Do Men Cheat on Their Wives?

QUESTION:  

My husband is very much a flirt. Because of this as well as numerous other reasons, I think my husband is having an affair. I don?t think I am lust being paranoid. Please give me some help in understanding why men cheat, because I don?t think it is just me.   

  ANSWER:  

Your dilemma is one that is all too common. You are probably right when you say that it is not ?just me.?  It takes two to make a marriage or break a   marriage, and it takes two to have an affair. The fact that he has always been ?a flirt? suggests that, at one time, he was that way with you. You probably responded in a way that made him feel special, wanted, and needed, and reinforced his flirting behavior. This ties in with

 the first and main reason why men have affairs: to feed  their ego. The problem with us males is that feeling good about ourselves, or meeting our ?ego needs,? is our primary goal in life. Therefore, the first reason why men get involved in affairs is that it feeds their egos.

   The second reason is what we call ?misplaced anger.? For example lets consider the husband who is really mad at his wife for whatever reason. He may have an affair with some other woman as a way of making his wife ?pay. ? Instead of directing his anger toward her (which he may be afraid to do), or expressing the anger in a way that will help the relationship change, he just has sex with some other woman This action then feeds his ego (because someone else wants him), so he now feels good (physically and emotionally) and he doesn?t feel as angry with his wife. In his anger, he has made her pay.

   The third reason why men have affairs is boredom. The Bible (Proverbs 9:1 7) tells us  ?stolen melons are the sweetest,  stolen apples taste the best.?  In modem times this means that the ?grass is greener on the other side of the fence.? ?If I don?t have enough excitement in my life, I will create some.?

5 Reasons Why Men Cheat
on Their Wives

       1.  LOSS OF EGO
             A man?s primary need is to feel good about
             himself.  When he doesn?t he finds ways to
             meet this primary goal .

       2.   MISPLACED ANGER
              He may be angry at his wife but, rather
              than  deal with problem, he has an affair to
              ? make her pay?  

        3.   BOREDOM 
              Affairs are rarely boring; they tend to be
              exciting and full of life. Even the fear of
              getting caught causes excitement.  

        4.   ESCAPE FROM EMOTIONAL PAIN  
              The male sex drive provides a distraction
               or ?vacation? from emotional pain.  

      5.   NEED FOR NURTURE & INTIMACY
               If these needs are being met, men have
               no need to look elsewhere

 Children who are raised in alcoholic homes, for example, become what we refer to as ?adult children of alcoholics.? One key characteristic is that they become easily bored with life should it become too ?stable.?  
Children in alcoholic homes are raised with nothing being stable. As adults, they are then more comfortable in an unstable environment than in a stable one. This is why they become ?bored? and actually create chaos - because it is what is most familiar or comfortable to them. We all tend to repeat our past, whether that is a positive past or a negative past. If it was unstable then, we feel most comfortable in creating an unstable one now. 

The fourth reason why men have affairs is to escape emotional pain. Our sex drive is the second strongest drive within us -second only to self-preservation. Sex therefore can easily be used as a strong distraction from some emotional pain we do not want to feel. Few things in life are more intense than fulfilling this sex drive with a climax or orgasm. For this reason, a man can use sex as a way to distract him from emotional pain, like problems at home or work. It feels good to him physically, and he gets a vacation from the rest of his feelings of hurt and pain. This is why pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry. He can receive instant gratification just by looking at a magazine, the Internet, a video, etc., and have a secondary benefit of taking a vacation from some internalized emotional pain. 

The fifth reason is the desire for nurture and intimacy. A recent study from the Florida State University found that premature babies who were massaged by their mothers on a regular daily basis developed physically 60% faster than those who did not receive this extra ?touching.? We all need human touch. It is a special form of nurture. When men don?t feel nurtured and cared for by their wives, they will seek it elsewhere. Everyone, males and females need to be nurtured with touch.

[nomad]

Excuse the double reply.

[AmishDude]

Humankind is NOT a monogamous species

What a Line! How many women fall for this Bu!!sh!t? sheeeesh.

It's only important to find one that will.

[StolarStorm]

There is countless information out there regarding this issue. Rather than bore anyone I'll just leave you with a brief question/comment. If humans are monogamous why do almost all humans "mate" with several partners over their lifetime? Many species of birds that are truly monogamous do in fact limit themselves to ONE mate and one mate only. Only a very rare human has sex with one partner only their whole life....

That said I do believe that we are serially monogamous .. mostly... that means that while we are with a partner we are monogamous but then the desire is to move on to another monogamous relationship.

[Howlin]

What a Line! How many women fall for this Bu!!sh!t? sheeeesh.

I've always wondered about women who fall for married men, period. How often do you see them saying, "And I didn't even know he was married."

Unbelievable, IMO. They KNOW.

[soccermom]

Thank you. You're right. It has not been easy at all. I have to keep reminding myself that it is an illness, but one that is within our control. When I hear what other people with this illness do, I am sooooooo thankful that my husband's case is mild. All things considered, he could be a LOT worse. I love him and we're getting through it.

[screed]

Shouldn't the question have been, "Why is my husband cheating on me?"

No, because that wouldn't perpetuate a negative male stereotype. It's important to cast men in a negative light as often as possible.

[StolarStorm]

I have never had sex with another women other than my wife... EVER. But I know well that the desire is there and what the instinct is. No line... its just he truth. Men are not designed for monogamy but we can force it.

I'm sorry that you have dealt with less honest men before.

[LJLucido]

Yes . . . I have had a few opportunities! {;o)

LOL! No one seems to be lining up to offer me opportunities to cheat, so I guess I'll continue being faithful by default.

[Howlin]

Be careful, your membership might be deleted for saying such things.

Since you've only been here approximately eight minutes, how would you know this?

[Double Tap]

Yeah, I know, but not many folks seemed to have noticed.

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

No one lining up for a hunky guy like you? I am shocked.

[Cold Heat]

As a second wifer who has never strayed, I see a similar problem here to one that I once had. Here it is in a nutshell.

Man marries girl he loves. Girl says she loves him. Man is seen by girl talking with other girl. Mans wife upset and accuses man of philandering. Man tries to ignore it. Wife insists man is philandering and makes mans life miserable. Man has two choices, either philander or divorce because man can't live with angry girl. End of story.

[habs4ever]

You're sharp tonight ;-)You caught that slip, didn't you?lol

[Luis Gonzalez]

THERE YOU GO!

[Double Tap]

My mistake. I thought a little advice was needed. I was wrong.

[Gabz]

I love him and we're getting through it.

That sums it all up.

[Lorianne]

Men are not designed for monogamy but we can force it.

This implies women are designed for monogamy. I agree with you that it takes commitment and honor, however, it is not just men who make this effort. I think it is disengious for men to give portray themselves as noblely going against their nature while implying it is easy as pie for women to be faithful, therefore making faithful men seem more noble and more moral than faithful women.

PS I believe in monogamy and marriage, I'm not knocking it. I just disagree with the stereotype that it is somehow more difficult for men to be faithful.