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Posted on 11/11/2026 5:29:47 AM PST by SeekAndFind
What things can a man say to a woman at a formal ball to observe that she looks good without being offensive?
Let’s look at the background of the question. I just attended a very nice formal ball where the men were in suits, black-tie tuxedos, and white-tie tailcoats. What’s fascinating about the protocols here is that the more men dress up, the less of a spectacle they become.
Their individuality gradually dissipates into a blur of grayscale coloring. Stand them all in a line and they nearly look like they are all in uniforms. All of this is intentional in the sense that it is an evolved tradition. The men try to dress up and work very hard at it but when they succeed, they cannot shake the sense that this causes them to look nearly interchangeable with each other.
It’s a funny reality that takes time for men fully to realize and understand.
What is the purpose here from the perspective of evolved traditions? It should be obvious. The purpose is to permit the women in the room to shine and glow as never before. I can promise you that every man in the room who came with a woman can tell you stories of how his wife or date spent weeks thinking and working for the perfect look, concerned about the dress, the shoes, the hair, the scarf, the gloves, every single bit of the outfit.
I had many people tell me, as the host of the event, that it was so nice to have the chance to dress up for once. The men don’t care that much about it, but the women understand something extremely important. It is their time to shine as never before. They care as much about how other women see them as about how the men do, if not more.
What’s the problem, then? Why can’t men simply compliment the women there on how they look?
It’s not so simple. In polite society in the past, it was easy enough to simply say “You look lovely tonight” or to exclaim “How fabulous you are tonight.”
This has become more difficult in our time. About 30 years ago, the office protocol as enforced by legal interpretation came to be that a man in the office can never say anything to a woman that draws distinctive attention to her gender. That can be interpreted as gender or sex discrimination if not harassment.
I’m not exaggerating at all. Most training manuals pushed out by the HR offices say this. They train everyone not to see, much less comment upon sexual distinctions between men and women. Any slight comment—even something as small as “nice dress”—can trigger an investigation for a lawsuit. Countless men have faced these over the decades.
Nor can men risk treating women in the office as just one of the guys. Here the old rules come into play. A manager who invites a woman employee over to his house even to watch the football game is essentially insane. That is a major lawsuit risk, even if there is no problem in inviting a man over. So one must discriminate in order to avoid the risk of being accused of discrimination.
That sounds crazy and it is but it is the reality. As a result, men in professional life have gradually learned to treat women in the office as statues, sexless beings who are interchangeable with men but also people to slightly fear. In any case, at the very minimum, men have been trained never to say anything that suggests consciousness of gender. That includes and especially pertains to anything that is complimentary.
This ethos has become a life habit at this point. This is why men fear opening doors for women, helping with chairs, standing when they come to the table, tipping hats, or anything else from the old world that was considered mannerly.
Now these same people find themselves at a formal ball. The men look great but interchangeable in some way.
Meanwhile, the women shine as never before with jewels, hats, long dresses of many colors and fabrics, patterns of flowers and stripes, and every conceivable combination of high luxury, along with gold, diamonds, gloves, and clutches of pearls and beads.
It’s an incredible spectacle. The normal reaction should be: wow, these ladies all look amazing. But men have to stop themselves from saying this even if it seems natural and normal. They have been trained out of it.
The additional problem is that this situation rarely presents itself in life. How often does one go to a formal ball? Maybe once a year. More likely, once a decade. Maybe just once. As a result, the men in the room find themselves completely unprepared for what to do.
This is why men on these occasions seem so incredibly uncomfortable and probably why they avoid such situations generally.
I’ve still not answered the question. I will tell you what I came up with on the spot, because the truth is that I had not prepared for this either. My immediate thought was that I want to and need to say something but did not know what. So my personal choice, again on the spot, was to exclaim, “Wow look at you!”
Granted, that is not very elegant at all, whereas a formal ball calls for elegance above all else. It is a natural setting for a polite appearance compliment, precisely because everyone has dressed for the occasion. As I think about it, several possibilities come to mind.
You compliment the ball gown, the hat, the gloves, even the hair, but nothing else. You can say “Your gown is so beautiful,” or even “You look lovely tonight” though that skirts close to the edge. Or perhaps this: “You are so elegant this evening.”
This is not an easy problem to solve but it cries out for an answer.
No woman wants to fuss and dress up for a formal ball and come away without any man acknowledging the fact that she succeeded in achieving elegance.
These are all crazy problems we’ve created for ourselves.
Maybe that’s the real cost of all this. Not the awkwardness of one evening, but what awkwardness does over time: it wears down the occasions that require it. Men avoid the ball because they don’t know the script, and the ball shrinks, and eventually the tailcoats and the long dresses and the gloves and the pearls go into storage for good.
Every man who says “Your gown is beautiful” is voting to keep it. Every man who says nothing, and instead looks down with shuffling feet, is voting, quietly, for the end of the whole thing. That’s a lot of weight to put on four words, but there it is.
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Can? Yes. Should? No. By any measure, it’s not worth it.
I do not ever hesitate to compliment a very nice ass. EVER!!
No, we didn't create these problems. Leftists created these under Feminism in order to destroy societies, cultures, and countries.
I do anyway. Have had NO issues. Come and get me. You’re not going to like what YOU get and I mean every word of it. Stop being wimps and defend yourselves. And, do not sexually harass women. A compliment and behavior which is sexual harassment are very distinctly different.
The answer is No if she is wearing a burka.
The women should just wear burkas. Problem solved.
Then watch the fireworks as she points, splutters, and gets increasingly angry, insisting she's not a man - while you keep agreeing with her that "Yes, trans women are women."
A real woman will not be offended by a compliment. A real man will no the appropriate way to give one.
My wife likes to see me dress nice.
Outside of work you can get away with “You look Nice” and then leave it at that.
That's because other women then know you're taken.
It’s a lovely feeling to make someone feel good/better/noticed/appreciated.
It doesn’t hurt to be creative.
FWIW, I never compliment someone I don’t know on their looks.
But I often compliment complete strangers on a great set of boots, a neat t-shirt, a lively scarf, a nice handbag. That sort of thing.
Or if I encounter someone who just handled a difficult customer service situation with grace and patience, that’s worth a warm compliment and, in my experience, that has always been appreciated by the person I compliment.
That being said, if someone looks like they are having a bad fur day, it’s okay to steer clear.
And if she asks does this dress make look fat.
It’s all a trap one way way or another.
Just answer back, “I love hefty women...”
Only his wife, and even then you need to be careful. ;)
RE: And if she asks does this dress make look fat.
A Yes or No answer is NO GOOD. You lose either way.
This answer of mine does not create problems at all:
“Honestly, it’s the dress that makes you look great — and you already do.”
Liberal women are unattractive anyway, so you don’t have to worry about complementing them.
And if she asks does this dress make look fat.
“No the dress doesn’t make you look fat, the fat makes you look fat.”
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