Five Things We Learned Watching the World Cup on American Soil

WFB ^ | 15 June 2026 | Andrew Stiles

[Rummyfan]

Mamdani, journalists will never love this country as much as a Swedish babe tasting ranch dressing for the first time

World Cup soccer match since 1994. The semi-renowned international tournament's return to American soil cast a pall over an otherwise joyful weekend that saw President Donald Trump celebrate his 80th birthday at a UFC cage match on the White House lawn.

Soccer is excruciatingly boring, so we would never actually watch any of the games. Washington Free Beacon employees are also prohibited from supporting the World Cup due to ethical and patriotic concerns. But that doesn't mean we can't give our readers the hard-hitting sports analysis they crave.

Here are five things we learned watching the World Cup, and by "watching" we just mean vaguely passively absorbing the onslaught of social media content.

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[Rummyfan]

1) Zohran Mamdani still hates America

2) Journalists do too, obviously

3) Democrats are insufferable

4) Donald Trump should be impeached

5) Hot Swedish girls love America

[Rummyfan]

The referenced Swede:

[kawhill]

“Soccer is excruciatingly boring”. Love soccer, helps me sleep.

[hanamizu]

Soccer is excruciatingly boring

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YouTube is thoughtfully providing ‘highlights’ of the games. I just fast forward to the last couple of minutes to see the final score.

[17th Miss Regt]

The look of a woman that wants to be standing in a cotton field whipping slaves for not picking cotton fast enough. Clearly a racist! (/liberal/leftist)

[Billthedrill]

Soccer’s a great game for world-class athletes who have tragically lost the use of their hands. Well, except for one goofy guy they keep in a net for their own protection.

[Flavious_Maximus]

The curtains don’t match the carpet.

[lefty-lie-spy]

Is the stupid thing over already?

[Zathras]

What was the question?

[Labyrinthos]

“Soccer is excruciatingly boring”

Of the 16 matches played through Monday, eight ended in a low scoring tie — and the teams and their fans celebrated for not losing. That seems to be the strategy in the preliminary rounds — teams are not playing to win; rather, they are playing not to lose. BORING!

Here are a few rule changes that could increase scoring and perhaps make the game interesting:

- Penalize contact fouls by sending the offending player to a penalty box for a minute or two (similar to hockey and lacrosse). The team with the advantage would then use the penalty time to maximize offense and hopefully score goals.

- Once the offensive team crosses the centerline with the ball into the defensive zone, it must keep the ball in the defensive zone or, if the ball is passed back across the center line, then the entire team must retreat to its zone before crossing the centerline again with the ball (similar to hockey). This rule would hopefully end the boring tactic of repeatedly passing the ball back and forth from offensive players to defensive players, the goalie, etc.

- Penalize teams for stalling (similar to NCAA wrestling). If the team is not attempting in good faith to score, then the other side gets possession of the ball at mid-field.

- Any played who attempts to draw a foul by faking contact should get a red card and an immediate suspension. If he does it again during the tournament, then he is banned from international play for life. In the alternative, if a player fakes contact in an attempt to draw a foul, then the opposing team can beat the crap out of him for 30 seconds or until he losses consciousness, whichever occurs first.

[ByteMercenary]

“Any played who attempts to draw a foul by faking contact should get a red card ...”

Actually soccer recently added just such a rule. The foul is called ‘simulation’ and draws a yellow card.

[VRW Conspirator]

The referenced Swede:

Making the case for human cloning.

[Verginius Rufus]

Donald Trump is only the second US President to reach his 80th birthday while serving as President. 12 Vice Presidents lived past their 80th birthday but in every case it was after they left office.

[Bikkuri]

For every foul, the offender (or faker.. or both) should be shot.
The team with the last standing player wins.