Posted on 01/08/2026 1:16:15 PM PST by nickcarraway
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Superman was arrested by Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) officers in Metropolis at 2:32 p.m yesterday at the Metropolis Courthouse. Taken away by ICE agents equipped with specially-designed Kryptonite armor, Superman soon after arrived at a Luthorcorp pocket-dimension prison the Trump administration is now calling “Antimatter Alcatraz.” The arrest was officially announced last night after GOP and Legion of Doom member Kristi Noem posted on X, “Adios Supermanos.”
This move comes after months of nativist protests. Citizens have been seen picketing the Hall of Justice, carrying signs with anti-Kryptonian messages like, “It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a threat to our culture,” “Make America Terrestrial Again” and “Don’t let him eat Krypto.”
President Donald Trump posted on Truth Social, “WE ARE BEING ATTACKED by an invisible enemy! We think they can turn invisible, we’re looking into the science. We cannot let these INVADERS take over this country, which is why we’re going to send the stupid DREAMER Superman Up Up and Away from this country. We need to build a DOME, which is basically a sky-wall. AND KRYPTON IS GONNA PAY FOR IT.”
No one can confirm whether Trump is aware of Krypton’s lack of existence.
ference early Monday morning announcing the arrest, Noem said, “I’d like to personally thank the task force that brought down this foreign enemy to America. The force was led by patriot Dean Cain. Superman’s presence has irreparably damaged this country. He has stolen the jobs of the Metropolis’ police force, leading to widespread defunding of police and lack of respect for Blue Lives. The nasty, fake, liberal news media likes to lie and claim that we are going after legal immigrants or people in the process of legal immigration, but this is simply not true. We are going after the worst and most dangerous criminals in our society.”
It should be noted that Noem made this statement crouching behind a bush outside of an immigration court while holding a large butterfly net.
The gear used to capture the Kryptonian were provided by Bruce Waye, CEO of Wayne Industries. In a statement to the Daily Planet, a recent Luthorcorp acquisition, Wayne explained, “As an illegal alien, Superman posed a direct threat to our way of life here in America. Violent, interplanetary crimes skyrocketed due to him. And maybe he was the only one at first, but since his arrival more of his kind have come, including Supergirl and General Zod. If we don’t act now, our culture will be lost and the Kryptonians will take our jobs like Superman took Batman’s at the Justice League.
Wayne reportedly contributed $277 million to the Trump campaign in 2024 and, since February, has acquired $38 billion in government contracts.
Daily Planet journalist Lois Lane has been an outspoken advocate for the prisoner and was laid off shortly after the paper was acquired by Luthorcorp. Lane was with Superman when he was arrested inside of the Metropolis Courthouse. According to a judge in the courthouse, the pair had a green card meeting.
While unable to write any articles about the matter due an undescribed “conflict of interest,” Lois Lane was able to get an exclusive interview inside of the pocket-universe prison with Superman, and released this statement from the prisoner: “No matter where they send me, I’ll continue to stand for the same principles: Truth, justice and the American way. I don’t call it that much these days, because the ‘American way’ means something different to a lot of people. To me, it means using the freedom and opportunity I was given to do well by my community, to live, to work and to love. There are some people like Mr. Luthor and Mr. Wayne who don’t like to see someone different from themselves thriving in their community. I may not be from your world, but at the end of the day we’re all the same.”
Find a baby out in a field, take it home and raise it?
How does that work?
Auditor: 100 million to fix Telstar?
Repair guy: I had to bring it into the shop.
He did have some Brando in him - being crazy at awards shows.
Wasn’t his Krypton name Kal-El or Jor-El, something like that? The El gives him away.
A lot of people didn’t know that before Charlie scored his hits in the 70s, he was an accomplished jazz pianist.
Wasn’t his Krypton name Kal-El or Jor-El, something like that? The El gives him away.
Like Antwaan Randle El?
I never knew that. He was pretty handy with a lighter.
The white one or the black one?
Back when it was funny
Sorry. Superman was adopted and naturalized long, long ago. Moreover, he is on record as loving Truth, Justice, and the American Way. He’s ready to ship fraudsters, murderers, spies, and narco-terrorists who lie, cheat, steal, drug, kill, and hate America back to Iraqistan, Somalizania, Hinduchan, and Equarico when called.
When I first read the title to this post I thought the premise was workable. However, the author could NOT pull it off. I was NOT “entertained.” It came off as ANOTHER lame SNL skit.
It would have been funnier to describe Noem chasing the author around with a butterfly net!
It was so bad, it was Jimmy Kimmel funny, meaning NOT funny.
My summation on LEFTIST humor is this: He who laughs last is probably just watching The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.
Until Christopher Reeve turned into a liberal.
…Also, to Eurotopia.
his biggest fan is named Jerry
Ha
They’re real and they’re fabulous.
When I was a child (over 5 decades ago), there was a joke...
“What does Superman have to do every January?”
The answer was “File his address with US Immigration Service, because he is an alien.”
Well...I was (still am) a geek and thought this was a moderately funny thing.
Mason Barrett is a 3rd rate satirist. A smug ,sophmoron. Did he actually think his attempt at satire was even funny?
This is the kind of stuff that a smart 7th grader does. Stanford University standards are down in the toilet.
It’s the left that has tried to UN-American Superman.
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