Replies

Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates.

Pardon me here while I insert some theology, The "keys to the kingdom" is faith in the true and living God Peter confessed, and thus His Divine Son, the Foundation of the true church, the body of Christ, by His Spirit, by which effectual penitent, heart-purifying, regenerating faith (Acts 10:43-47; Acts 15:7-9) which is imputed for righteousness, (Romans 4:5) the body of Christ has its members. (1 Cor. 12:13)

Back to the story:

St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in." "Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart." "That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!" "Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service." "Terrific!" says St. Peter. "That's certainly worth a point." "One point!?!!" "I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans." "Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says. "Two points!?!! "Exasperated, the man cries. "At this rate the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God." "Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!"

We often try to fix problems with WD-40 and duct tape. God did it with a nail.

Yes and AMEN. See my post above as regards duct tape.

Give it a few more hours, and this thread may devolve to...

As I was walking across a bridge one day; I saw a man standing outside the railing, about to jump off.

So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious."

I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
He said, "Christian."

I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
He said, "Baptist!"

I said,"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of GOD or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
He said, "Baptist Church of GOD!"

I said, "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of GOD, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of GOD?"
He said,"Reformed Baptist Church of GOD!"

I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of GOD, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of GOD, reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of GOD, reformation of 1915!"

I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

-- Emo Phillips