Posted on 03/05/2024 5:25:36 AM PST by Lazamataz
CHAPTER ONE: The Fight
“Have you lost your f****g mind?!”
Mark drew his wrist across his mouth and quickly looked at the smear of blood on his shirt sleeve. He watched, warily, he and Jason slowly circled one another. Jason was utterly expressionless, Mark noticed, as they both prepared to continue their fight.
Jason said nothing in response, but instead lunged forward again with another attack. Mark was not a large man, not like Jason, but he had taken martial arts classes and was skilled enough to ward off Jason’s punches. Mark refused to attack – Jason was his best friend of twenty years! -- but he was capable of at least defending himself.
After two or three more unsuccessful attacks by Jason, the men separated, both breathing heavily. Jason spoke up: “I will have your fiancée. Give up, Mark.”
Mark slowly backed away from his former friend. “Jason! What has gotten into you! What the f*** are you talking about, ‘You will have my fiancée’? That’s some pretty crazy s**t!”
Jason’s face still showed no emotion. He apparently realized that he was not going to defeat Mark in a physical fight, because he allowed Mark to back away and slowly lowered his arms. He repeated, in a flat emotionless voice, “I will have your fiancée.”
And with that, Jason turned and walked away, descending down the stairs.
Mark stood there, listening to Jason’s steps becoming more distant. Why would his best friend of slightly over twenty years have lured him to this private place, where he could launch this entirely unprovoked attack? And what was this insane talk of ‘having my fiancée’, he asked himself. Something was very different about Jason. Something sinister.
He waited in the dusk for ten minutes, partly to ensure that Jason was really gone and partly to compose himself. He slowly descended the stairs of the abandoned building, scanning for his friend-turned-adversary at every step. He made it to his car, entered it and locked the doors. He sat there for a moment, considering the events of the last hour. Jason had made some lame excuse to get him alone in the abandoned two-story building – something about acquiring the building and opening a restaurant on the first floor, and would Mark be interested in going into the venture with him. Jason had acquired the keys to the building from a real estate agent, and they would look over the site together.
Mark had little interest in investing in a restaurant with his old friend, not since his incredible opportunity to be part of the team that would initiate First Contact with the Aliens so long ago… but out of courtesy to his dearest friend, he was willing to put in an appearance and humor the man a little.
Well, that was a mistake, he thought. He’d wait a day and contact Jason on his cell phone and find out what the hell was going on.
He started his car and drove the short distance to his home. He exited his car, scanned the area around his house, and walked to the door. I really need to get a gun, he thought, although even after the unprovoked attack he’d still be hard-pressed to shoot his long-time friend. Nonetheless, now that he was somewhat famous for leading the First Contact team, various fanatics, fans, and other people might seek him out for whatever reason. Better safe than sorry, right?
When he entered his house, his beautiful fiancée Sarah looked up from her computer and called out cheerily, “Hi honey!” Her face fell as she saw his swollen lip and the smear of blood on his cheek. “What happened?!”, she exclaimed in concern.
“You wouldn’t believe this s**t if I told you. Jason attacked me for no reason! Well, there was a reason, but it was completely crazy.”
“But… what? I thought…” she started.
“I know. Listen, let me clean up, and we’ll talk.”
He turned and entered the bathroom. He took off his bloodied shirt and inspected his image in the mirror. Not too bad, he thought, as he washed the blood from his face. Perhaps those years of martial training had actually paid off.
CHAPTER TWO: The Phone Call
The rest of the night was uneventful. He explained what Jason had done, and what he had said. Sarah was aghast at Jason’s actions, of course, and reassured her fiancee that she would never date Jason… especially after what he had just done!
Jason was a larger man than Mark, classically handsome, and with a fit body. Mark, who was not nearly as handsome, and was somewhat shorter, was always grateful that Sarah found something she loved about him. She was an amazingly good looking woman, with the face of a supermodel and a body to match.
Mark was the leader of the First Contact team that had begun translating the strange language of the aliens about twenty-five months ago. About three months prior to that, glowing disks had appeared over every major capital of nearly every nation in the world. At the District of Colombia, Beijing, Moscow, Paris, Berlin (and many more) these stationary, glowing discs appeared over Capital Buildings simultaneously and across the globe. As a language expert and computer wizard, Mark was a natural choice to lead the First Contact effort.
More than two years earlier – twenty-eight months ago, to be exact -- he received a call from someone claiming that the Secretary of the State wished to talk to him.
“Doctor Rappaport? Please stay on the line.”
A few moments passed.
“Doctor Rappaport. This is Secretary Tom Hanover. You are, no doubt, aware of the odd UFO’s hovering over everyone’s capital cities?”
“Well yes, Secretary,” Mark responded, somewhat irritated at the question. That was all the internet, news programs, and newspapers could talk about.
“Well sir, we are forming a team to try to decode the signals that are being emitted from these UFO’s. You are one of the leading experts in language and linguistics throughout the entire world. We would love to have you lead a group that we call the ‘First Contact’ team.”
He paused. The enormity of this question impacted him like a hammer to the temple. Composing himself, he responded.
“I’d love to be part of this team! We’d need to make some arrang-”
Hanover interrupted: “Already done, Doctor. I’ve contacted your university, and they have granted you sabbatical leave for as long as you need. We have arranged accommodations for you here in D.C. We’ve even purchased an airline ticket for you, which will come by express courier tomorrow morning. First class, of course. You’d be flying out of Hartfield-Jackson about 11:00 AM, Wednesday, that’s tomorrow. That is, if you accept.”
“Of course! This is an amazing opportunity, Secretary! I wouldn’t miss it!”
“Good,” Hanover said. “You’d, of course, lead the project.”
“I’m impressed with your confidence in me. I won’t let you down!”
“I know you won’t, Doctor Rappaport. You’ll come alone. Leave any family behind.”
Mark’s brow furrowed. “Sir, I want to bring my fiancée.”
The Secretary responded: “Not possible. We do not allow anyone to accompany individuals who work for us in this sort of capacity.”
“In this case, sir…no dice. That’s a deal breaker. I want her with me, she is a very important part of my life. She supports me. She’s my entire support network. I mean it, sir. That would a deal breaker.”
Secretary Hanover scoffed, obviously exasperated. “Unfortunately, you are the very best linguistic expert on the globe. How many languages do you speak?”
“Fluently? Sixty-two. One hundred forty-seven, conversationally.”
“Damn..... yeah, you’re our guy. I’ll see what I can do.”
The line went dead, and Mark stood there, a million thoughts racing through his head. He carefully – even reverently – put the phone in his jacket pocket. He sat down heavily.
Sarah always granted privacy during phone calls, and she came into the living room when she heard Mark stop talking. “What was that about, honey?” she asked, curiously.
“I’m going to Washington, D.C. for a while. I’m heading up a team called First Contact. We’re going to make contact with whoever or whatever sent these discs to us, if we can. Apparently, some sort of signals are coming out of the discs, I don’t have any more information than that.”
“Holy crap!”, she responded. “Am I coming?”
“I don’t know. I’ll find out tomorrow, I guess. You’d have to leave your job, you know.”
“Not a problem. I hated that place.”
Mark was able to detect she was lying, but, pausing for a fraction of a second, he chose not to acknowledge it. Sarah, as usual, seemed supportive of anything he decided.
“Ok. I’m going to get packing. You too, in case you can come. The plane ticket – or tickets – will be here tomorrow morning.”
When the courier brought the envelope the next morning, there were two plane tickets in it.
CHAPTER THREE: The Secretary
Mark grabbed their luggage off of the baggage claim carousel. It had been a short flight, air travel from Atlanta to the District of Colombia doesn’t take too long. He and Sarah followed the signs marked “Ground Transportation” and started to walk towards the exit doors. They were met by two men in suits, obviously Secret Service, since both of them had the characteristic white communications earbuds.
“You are Doctor Mark Rappaport?”
”I am.”
“Please, this way, sir,” the agent said, gesturing to exit doors. “We have a vehicle waiting for you.”
All four people walked out the doors, and the agents guided the doctor and his fiancée to a black Escalade. They all entered the vehicle, one of them took the driver's seat, and the SUV rolled out of the pickup area, escorted by two police officers on motorcycles, their emergency lights flashing.
Mark looked out the window as they were driving and caught a glimpse of the luminous disk hovering in the sky. The sight of it took his breath away. It was one thing to see the disc on television, but to see it in person was an entirely different experience. It was much larger than he had thought it was, and far brighter.
New scaffolding was stretching from an unseen point to the disk. It was not completed.
“Where are we going?” asked Mark.
“The State Department. The Harry S. Truman building.” answered the agent who was seated with them, in the back.
It was a very short ride, less than ten minutes. Several guards met the entourage at the entrance to the State Department building, and Mark exited, climbed the stairs to the entrance, and entered. There, the Secretary of State, Tom Hanover, was waiting for them.
“Doctor Mark Rappaport! A pleasure to meet you!” The Secretary grabbed Mark’s hand and pumped vigorously, giving him a hearty handshake. “Come with me,” he said.
They entered an elevator, and Mark said, “It’s a pleasure to meet you too, sir.”
“We have certain national security forms we must have you sign before we proceed. Confidential Disclosure Agreements and the like. You understand.”
“Of course, sir.”
The elevator doors opened, and while they walked to the Secretary’s office, he continued: “You’ll be an employee of the State Department.” The Secretary escorted Mark into the office. They both sat down.
“Ok, Doctor Rappaport….”
“Call me Mark,” he interrupted.
“Mark. We will, of course, oversee your communication with the Aliens once you establish a language protocol. We don’t want any mistakes or incidents.”
“Absolutely,” nodded Mark.
The next twenty minutes was spent filling out security forms, Nondisclosure agreements, and an application for and Eyes Only security designation. The Secretary explained where he’d be staying, how he’d be transported back and forth to the contact site. Then, when everything was signed, they began talking about the particulars.
“So, we are enclosing the disc in a structure that will hide it from public view. You’ll be working inside this building. While the building will have some amenities such as places to catch a quick nap, we understand that if we coop you up in there for months, you might go stir-crazy. We won’t restrict you to the building twenty-four, seven. Oh, and one important thing…..”
“Yes…?”
“We allowed you to bring your girlfriend… or is it fiancée? Whatever. We made an exception for you. We couldn’t risk you refusing this assignment. Your… Sarah, is it?... She obviously knows why you are here. However -- and I cannot stress this enough – you are not to share a single detail of your team’s findings. You have signed some documents to this effect. Any sharing of any details is a felony offense. Do I make myself clear?”
He nodded at the Secretary.
“.. and your safe house is bugged. Wired for sound. That’s how we’ll make sure.”
After a pause, he continued, “It will take two more days to complete the structure. The disc, itself… well, it seems to change color in various places. We don’t know what it means. That’s where you come in. That’s really all we know so far. The colors, and that the disc remains stationary. Any questions?”
“Yes, one, sir. Why the Department of State? Why not the Department of Defense, or NASA, or somebody like that?”
“Well, State deals with diplomatic relations with other parties… and if you don’t consider this the most important diplomatic relation in the history of mankind…..” He let his voice trail off.
“I get it. That makes sense.”
Hanover picked up his desk phone. “Let’s get our guests to their accommodations.”, he said into the receiver.
Two different agents entered, gestured for Mark to follow, and hey made their way back to the Escalade. Entering the vehicle, he stole a glance at Sarah. She had apprehension and just a little fear in her eyes, but he met her gaze with a steady, confident look, trying to convey without words that everything was going to be alright. Truth be told, he felt an exhilaration, a feeling of anticipation, an expectation of great things and great discoveries to come.
Within fifteen minutes, they pulled into driveway of the nondescript, government-owned safe house.
Chapter 4: THE TEAM
The two days passed slowly, but this morning was the day. Mark could scarcely contain himself during the ride to the First Contact site. When they arrived, he saw several armed soldiers guarding the entrance to elevator to the scaffolding. After checking his credentials, he entered the elevator.
At the top of the elevator, there was a landing and an entrance to the enclosure. Mark noted that the hastily erected building screened the entire hovering disc from public view. He went through another manned checkpoint and entered the building.
There, he was met by a small group of people: The Secretary of State, a few individuals he could not identify, and five other people who he guessed would be his teammates. Their composition varied, three men and two women. One of the women was Black and somewhat young, appearing to be in her early thirties, and one of the men was clearly of Asian descent, and he seemed to be in his fifties. Of the remaining, there were two white men, seemingly in their forties, and a white woman in her late twenties.
“Ah! Doctor Rappaport! You’ve arrived. Excellent,” noted the Secretary Hanover. “Allow me to introduce you to your team. This is your teammate, Larry Kaminski, who is a skilled linguist, like you.” He pointed to one of the white men.
“Glad to have you on our team,” said Mark, shaking Larry’s hand.
“And this is Stan Parker, one of the most renowned physicists in our country. You would likely recognize the title of several of the books he’s written,” and the Secretary pointed out the second white man.
“A pleasure to meet you,” and Mark extended his hand.
“Why yes, it is. A pleasure...to meet me,” grinned Stan, and took his hand, shaking it vigorously/
“This,” continued Hanover, “is Lashika Abedayo. She is a renowned physicist and a professor at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute.”
“You seem to be young for a full professorship,” said Mark, and shook her hand.
“I completed my baccalaureate at the age of fifteen,” she said, proudly.
The Secretary then gestured to the white woman. “This is Angie Kinsey, one of the premier theoretical mathematicians in our country.”
Mark and Angie shook hands, Angie smiling weakly.
“And finally,” concluded the Secretary, “This is Yichen Zhang, and extremely gifted mathematician in his own right.” Yichen and Mark shook hands. “This is your team, Doctor Rappaport. I wish you the very best of luck. These are some of the most brilliant minds in America.”
The Secretary gave a quick tour of the facility. “These are your living quarters,” pointing to an open door that let to a corridor of rooms. “There are rooms for rest and for sleeping, and to the right is a stocked kitchen… but we will be bringing you prepared meals should you wish. There are bathrooms and shower facilities to the left of the corridor. They are unisex, so please arrange your schedules among yourselves.”
“One important point: For the most part, only Doctor Rappaport will be permitted to leave regularly, once you begin. He will be bringing me verbal reports in person, and of course, we will monitor your progress remotely. We’ll give the rest of you occasional breaks, of course, permitting you to leave for short durations… but as a rule, you’ll all be staying here” Hanover noted. “The door to the left has a variety of rooms for exercise and entertainment. We all need some down time. The door directly in front of you admits you into the room where the disc is. If you wish, please get started immediately. We have been recording what the disc has been presenting since its arrival. It has paused its signaling for a few days now. You might want to review the recordings”, he finished, gesturing to an array of computers and rather large monitors.
And with that, he and his entourage left via the elevator.
Mark began. “Okay, folks, I feel honored to lead this team. However, please know, I consider us all equals, and I want everyone to feel free to challenge any assumption, any fact we feel we have established. Anything. Don’t hold back. This is only going to be successful if we all operate like that. Now, let’s get to work.”
(C) Copyright, 2024, Lazamataz and Piytar. All rights reserved.
Well, it caught my attention. It’s an easy read, nothing too “in depth”. Feels a bit like it’s geared towards teenagers.
Two minuscule quibbles:
"More than two years earlier – twenty-eight months ago, to be exact -- he received a call from someone claiming that the Secretary of the State wished to talk to him." should be Secretary of State, not the state.
"When they arrived, he saw several armed soldiers guarding the entrance to elevator to the scaffolding. After checking his credentials, he entered the elevator." consider he was allowed to enter the elevator. That subtly emphasizes that he could be barred (or shot) should he fail inspection and try to enter anyway.
You've established tension in the first paragraph, and Sarah is mostly isolated and Jason is still in play.
You've set the stage with the team, will one of them be a plant, unhinged or a traitor to the species?
It wouldn't be difficult for the aliens to be more likable than our fellow humans. Or present themselves as such!
Deal. Public is fine. If it sucks, let me know. :^)
Today's adults are like yesteryear's teenagers.
Deal, then.
I’ll critique in segments so you won’t feel like it’s sipping from a fire hose.
Give me a few. I’ll be back in a bit with some commentary.
I’m no expert on writing, especially sci-if, but so far it seems good to me. 👍
About to start the day in earnest but I’ll read after work :-)
Ping.
What kind of reader? What kind of writer? Somehow quality classic literature did no need to resort to actual vulgarity and profanity, esp. in the lead. A poor substitute for quality.
I am not a writer of novels, but I think an idea for a novel could be that of an encounter in the future with a AI "human."
The "women" interviewing him already had a near complete profile of him - from what could be known, which was extensive - almost from the moment of facial recognition, and greeted him by name, and asking how his trip was, though she full well knew everything from each flight arrival to details when the lawn sprinkler would turn off. The interview for employment was mainly thus for psychological and legal purposes, which also indicated what the Omnicloud knew and what little it did not, the latter being critical to his future.
In a culture of declining Christian faith and morality, and of the family and character, thus even gender was now subjective, while the rise of rampant anarchy and increasing impotence of traditional enforcement resulted in the clamor for security, regardless of the cost of freedoms. Which the rise of an increasingly omniscient and omnipotent (earthly-wise) security apparatus promised to provide. Upon which all subjects were to depend upon, and therefore increasing unconditional allegiance was required.
Children were no longer taught by mere humans, but by transhumans, which could appear as biologically male or female, or an amalegamation of both, and with corespondent new names. The transhuman teacher had detailed information on all, from the time of their birth to that of the temperature of their bedroom (and thus the environmental rating of their homes). As well as a database of all the child's responses to events and questions.
And since under mandated government-issued health care, then the latter was responsible for the child's psychological health, and thus politically correct answers resulted in care-givers (takers) citing the parents for fostering an unhealthy environment, this being a form of child abuse. And it was very hard to hide much of anything from the sensors of the "beneficent' providers health and human services.
All of this James was conscious of as the female-looking (tailored to his preferences based upon his know viewing tendencies, of content and time) interviewer asked him questions, knowing that this unit was examining everything about his response to ascertain veracity, etc.
However, as advanced as the technology had become, it was not yet able to read thoughts (though thru visual and auditory contact, it was remarkably being able to deduce such with a high percentage of accuracy) Nor was this Omnicloud in operation until recent years, especially in its extent and depth.
Thus it did not know of the direction that James was headed as a result of listening to and reading forbidden literature as a child. And what this would led to in dissent from the Beast.
This was just written on the fly, based upon some ideas, by the grace of God.
I like your story plot and outline. It won’t apply to this particular novel, but I appreciate your thoughts.
Laz, Let’s begin with this. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there like you did and ask for commentary. I admire you for that.
Although not a sci-fi reader, I like the fantastical, so you have my attention with the suggestions about first contacts, aliens, and the rest. I get the impression that you are a guy who can recognize the potential of a good story. I’d imagine that over at the pub on a Friday night, you’re at the center of the group and the best storyteller there.
Now you’re going to take a stab at writing sci-fi. I think you’re going to be good at it.
But first you’re going to have to clean up your style and execution because fiction writing demands a heck of a lot more than the boys at the pub. Let’s talk about some of those general elements that need work:
1. I read one of the early comments about the foul language. I agree, even if the poster walked it back in a subsequent post. It’s not a good look in the first sentence because it will turn off 50% of your readership immediately. I’m no prude, having spent 20 years in the Army. And I do permit foul language and some of my own writing, but I recommend you use it strategically — highly strategically. For starters, take out every instance of foul language and try to create the same intensity of emotions without it. In a later revision, you can place some obscene words where they will have the greatest effect.
2. Lose the adverbs, the – LY words. Beginning fiction writers rely on adverbs because they want to really hit an emotional point, and they want to hit it hard. Sorry to say, adverbs will not do it for you. You simply have to use powerful verbs and nouns to carry the freight of your sentences. Powerful active verbs. Specific concrete nouns. I suggest you revisit your manuscript and use the highlighting function of your word processor to pick out all these words then step back and look at how many opportunities you have to power up the writing. Not to say you shouldn’t use adverbs, but once again — strategically. Update: I reread your writing sample and found it more powerful just by deleting the adverbs and not making any other revisions.
3. Get rid of every exclamation point! This is another tell that the writing is trying too hard. “Look here! Look here, dear reader! This is really important!”
4. One of my own worst faults is to over-explain to the point of redundancy. A couple quick examples from chapter 1: physical fight, flat emotionless, descending down.
5. Clean up the attribution for segments of dialogue. When you say, “she exclaimed in concern,” that’s the author talking. If she were to instead say, “My God, what in the world happened to your face?” We have both the exclamation and the sense of concern — and most important, we’re getting it from the character, not the author.
I do go on, don’t I? Sorry if you feel like I’m hosing you. I assure you this brief critique is an honest one, not in the least savage. I hope it helps. If it doesn’t kill your writing hopes, I hope it makes you a stronger writer.
I have some other commentary that might be helpful. It’s about structure and the opener to your story. I’d be happy to share, but I don’t want to either impose or overwhelm.
I suggest you apply some or all of my critique to your chapters and see how you feel about the revision. After that, if you want to talk about the important structural elements of a Chapter 1, we can discuss it in a fresh post.
Meanwhile, to fulfill your part of the deal, please refer your ping list to: JVSmith.substack.com so they may, if they choose to, read and comment on my novel, “Curse of The Kavorka.”
Nice to meet you at last, Laz. Hope to meet up in later post.
I didn’t read any part of the story where a characteer says “I’d hit that...”
Love it. Thanks! Will incorporate your suggestions.
As far as redundancy and often doing things over and over again repeatedly day in and day out all the time, I’d say I don’t. 😂😂😂
You have physicists, mathematicians and a linguist but no gender studies or sociologists. Unless they turn out to be the aliens.
The writing is very good.
The space discs over big cities, however, seems overused to the point of almost cliché - Independence Day & others?
Good luck with this!
3
"pointing to an open door that let d to a corridor of rooms"
I appreciate your attention to detail! I had Microsoft Word do its thing but I missed many issues you caught. Thank you very much, and I shall strive to do better!
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