At one time or another I think we have all received one of those one page fake humility braggart essays, with a family photo, inside of that Christmas card.
So here, for your nostalgic enjoyment, is a parody by Humorist and motivational speaker Brad Montgomery:
Holiday Letter Update!
Well, we made it through another year. It hasn’t been bad… certainly not wonderful. Here are some highlights:
We are married, still, but just barely. (Thank God for the guest room.) If it wasn’t for that #@!%^&# verdict, and Brad’s parole officer’s — BITCH! — “strong advice” that he not set off alone again, he’d be in Vegas. We see each other as often as necessary, but when you put your mind to it, it doesn’t have to be that much. Kim is at the dog track most days, and Brad spends days at a local bar with some of his friends from the “inside.” The kids do surprisingly well as ‘latchkey’ children.
Kim’s job is… well… a job. What the heck do you want? Paradise? She hates it still, but who wouldn’t? She’d quit, but then who’d pay for necessities like cable and the Budweiser? And laughing at the funny letter the nightshift helps with the marital strife.
Brad is “between jobs” again. (Kim says: I think he oughta call a spade a spade and call himself a lazy, good-for-nothin’ piece of …. But if he wants to go with “between opportunities” I guess it’s no skin off my back.)
We tried a couple of vacations, neither of which turned out any good. We tried to go to the Holidome and Jumbo Pool Slide a couple of hundred miles from here. But after about 18 hours of fighting we just called it off, came home and rented some movies.
Then off to see Kim’s family in $#%@$$-ing Kansas. If we didn’t already feel bad enough about ourselves, Kim’s folks pretty much finished the job. Without our knowledge, the kid’s spent the whole time there in a “adult novelty and Chicago-style-pizza” shop her loser brother runs, and now have a vocabulary you wouldn’t believe. If we weren’t so buzzed on her Dad’s homebrew we would have been really ticked off. And her mom gave us all food poisoning, which at least one of us thinks was done on purpose. At least we “got away.”
Kids are doing ok, I guess. They are still in school, which sorta makes us both proud. Hey! Not everybody is gonna be at the top of the class. Having kids, as you may know, is no picnic. All I can say is that if I have to take another funny-nosed-whining-never-say-thank-you kid to another friggin’ soccer game I’m gonna put a fork in my eye.
School is bull #$@&. Thanks to the principal’s new %#$%@ Health and Fitness campaign, our oldest came home harping on our quitting our Marlboro “habit.” Habit? Heck… those little fire sticks give us joy in a world dead set against it. We’ve paid taxes for years — or at least since we were caught — and I’d ask that ^%$#@$ principal to stop brainwashing our kids against us, thank you very much. Health and fitness in school? Next thing you know they’ll be teaching them socialism and history and crap.
Seriously, we are doing well. Surprisingly well. We’re happily married… except when Brad leaves the seat up. Everybody is healthy and content. Kim is working more on writing and less in the law. Brad is still a speaker/magician/comedian. The kids, aged 5, 8 and 10 are healthy and are still cute. We don’t hate soccer (that much).
And we all enjoy having friends like you.
Yours, Kim and Brad Montgomery
Brad Montgomery
Motivational Keynote Speaker, Humorist, Fan of Humor in Christmas Letters
OH Goodness tell me about those “family updates”!!
Relatives on my wifes side are libs and their yearly letter ALWAYS INCLUDES political rants....and they KNOW we are conservative! We just ignore it, and dont even think my wife even will read them. I dont. When we invited them to graduation parties for our children they show up but never left a gift. I wonder if its because we ignore their politics.
MY wife side is just so weird.....
That’s funny.
Fortunately, I’ve never gotten one like that. But friends and relatives have always sent updated pictures of everyone, and I like getting those. I also like hearing about what everyone’s doing - everybody is so spread out over the country/world now, we don’t get to see them much.
LOL - I did a parody “holiday update” letter like that one year back in the 90s and sent it to my closest friends and a couple of siblings. I received a few of those every year (serious ones) and I couldn’t resist doing one of my own
It began with something like “Well, I started my 1995 with a whale of a yeast infection,” and continued with reports of a family member getting arrested in full view of the neighbors for outstanding warrants (this is all made up), the annual barbecue and how many people were passed out on the lawn the next morning, etc., etc. I had a blast writing it, putting a pretty little holiday border around it and enclosing it in select Christmas cards to friends and family.
It was well received. 😁