An electron was driving down the highway and was pulled over by the police.
The police officer says, “You realize that you were driving 88 mph.”
The electron exclaims, “Great, now I’m lost.”
Why does butane float on top of water?
Because it is the lighter fluid.
As he walked to the door she yelled at him, "And I hope you die a long and slow painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
I’ve posted this one before, but what the heck...here goes!
Bill used to sneak out of the White House to go jogging. One night he happened to pass a hooker plying her trade. He couldn’t resist and stopped to ask her price. She replied, “two hundred.”
“That’s crazy, I’ll give you twenty dollars,” he said. She declined and he went on his way. The next night he was out again and encountered the same hooker. He asked again and got the same reply.
The third night, by chance, Hillary went jogging with him. Sure enough, the hooker was there again, but he ignored her to avoid a fight with his wife.
As they passed, the hooker called out, “See? That’s what you get for twenty dollars!”
Well, by the end of the season the football team improved, but it did not meet the new coach's or the fans’ expectations. One day he was feeling a bit down, and he remembered the generous invitation that the wealthy rancher had given him. So he invited his offensive coordinator to join him in some hunting, and the two headed out of town to the rancher's place.
Once they got to the ranch, the coach got out of the truck and walked up to the door to let the rancher know that he was going to take him up on his generous offer. The rancher open the door and was excited to see the coach. During their chat, the rancher encouraged the coach by acknowledging that the team did not do as well as was expected, but he had total confidence in the new coach and his staff that they would get things turned around. With that he pointed in the direction for the coach to hunt. As they were about to part ways, the rancher asked if the coach would do him a huge favor. The coach said he would, and asked what it was. The rancher said, “Do you see that old mule over there standing next to the barn? That mule has been like a family friend for 22 years, but he's getting so old that he really needs to be put down. I almost hate to ask this of you, but before you go on your hunt, could you put a bullet through his heart? I just can't bring myself to do that.”
Somewhat reluctantly, the coach agreed to do it.
The coach walks back to the truck and climbs in. In mock shock, he turns to his assistant coach, and says, “You are not going to believe what that jerk just told me. He said he had no confidence in us and that he didn't expect any change in the future. Moreover, he doesn't expect us to last past next year!” And with that, he reaches for his gun on the gun rack in the back of the cab. He then lowers his window, rests his hand and the rifle on the windowsill and shoots the mule dead. Of course, he cannot turn to look at his assistant due to the convulsion of laughs he is now experiencing.
Just as he was composing himself, he heard two rifle shots ring out. As he was turning to figure out what happened, his assistant said, “ I just got two of his cows. Now let's get out of here!”
“I’m having a stroke” is not something you can say with a straight face
Why did the pony gargle?
He was a little horse........
What kind of cat do you not want to race?
A Cheetah
Did you hear about the owner of the small Chinese restaurant?
He retired so he could spend less time with his family.
What did the first flag say to the second flag?
Nothing.
It just waved.
The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. “Honey,” she said as she pointed the guy out, “that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”
Her husband say, “That’s silly, no one celebrates that much!”
Peggy Phlegm.
:)
What's green and flies over Europe?
Snotsies!
:)
I had a distant uncle that was a sea captain. Over time his crews noticed that he always had smooth sailing and never got into storms. He would arrive early to his destination and the crew got a few extra days of shore leave. He became legendary. Every one was so in awe that none dared ask him the secret of his success. They did notice that prior to a journey, he always opened his safe on the bridge and studied a small weathered piece of paper. Speculation went wild.
After his death a great crowd assembled to view the opening of the safe. Mariners hoped they could find the secret of his success so that they too could enjoy calm seas and quick voyages.
On the crumpled weathered piece of paper was written the words:
Port left
Starboard right
A mobster discovers that his deaf accountant has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.
He confronts him, bringing along an interpreter.
“Ask him where the money is,” the mobster says.
The interpreter does so, and the accountant signs back, “What are you talking about?”
The interpreter tells the godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
The mobster puts a pistol to the accountant’s head. “Ask him again!”
The interpreter signs, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him!”
“Okay, okay!” the accountant signs back. “The money is buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard!”
“What’d he say?” asks the don.
“He says that you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”
the man and wife in bed, and she, feeling feisty, says, “Hurt me!”
...so he straightens up, looks her in the eyes, and says, “Your sister has a nicer house than you do.”
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our forthcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 225 in about 2 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that’s how the fight started.
Wife had a bag of used clothes she wanted to donate to poor starving people.
I asked “who could use these clothes”?
And that’s how the fight started.