Ha! I actually thought along those lines, the second after I posted. I thought about Hillary’s “special friend” Huma Abedin. So I think I’m going to revise that old joke.
Posted on 06/16/2023 3:21:14 PM PDT by ConservativeInPA
It’s Friday and folks need some comic relief. Tell a joke or two and chitchat a bit.
You might want leaf it alone or branch out.
Touche’!
Nice...
Why does butane float on top of water?
Because it is the lighter fluid.
“With a stick.”
O YEAH .... I’m feeling you now ...
Like I been hit with a .. stick
Ha! I actually thought along those lines, the second after I posted. I thought about Hillary’s “special friend” Huma Abedin. So I think I’m going to revise that old joke.
As he walked to the door she yelled at him, "And I hope you die a long and slow painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
I’ve posted this one before, but what the heck...here goes!
Bill used to sneak out of the White House to go jogging. One night he happened to pass a hooker plying her trade. He couldn’t resist and stopped to ask her price. She replied, “two hundred.”
“That’s crazy, I’ll give you twenty dollars,” he said. She declined and he went on his way. The next night he was out again and encountered the same hooker. He asked again and got the same reply.
The third night, by chance, Hillary went jogging with him. Sure enough, the hooker was there again, but he ignored her to avoid a fight with his wife.
As they passed, the hooker called out, “See? That’s what you get for twenty dollars!”
“uncertainty principle of quantum mechanics “
OK ... I get it now ...he he
I have to remember I’m dealing with a whole nother level of crazy around here...
where else is the uncertainty principle of quantum mechanics
the punch line for a joke
I studied a little quantum ... but .. it didn’t ..stick
“With a stick.””
I bet that’s what she said
With a stick.”
maybe even an ugly stick ..you know the kind that bill hits hillery with..
Well, by the end of the season the football team improved, but it did not meet the new coach's or the fans’ expectations. One day he was feeling a bit down, and he remembered the generous invitation that the wealthy rancher had given him. So he invited his offensive coordinator to join him in some hunting, and the two headed out of town to the rancher's place.
Once they got to the ranch, the coach got out of the truck and walked up to the door to let the rancher know that he was going to take him up on his generous offer. The rancher open the door and was excited to see the coach. During their chat, the rancher encouraged the coach by acknowledging that the team did not do as well as was expected, but he had total confidence in the new coach and his staff that they would get things turned around. With that he pointed in the direction for the coach to hunt. As they were about to part ways, the rancher asked if the coach would do him a huge favor. The coach said he would, and asked what it was. The rancher said, “Do you see that old mule over there standing next to the barn? That mule has been like a family friend for 22 years, but he's getting so old that he really needs to be put down. I almost hate to ask this of you, but before you go on your hunt, could you put a bullet through his heart? I just can't bring myself to do that.”
Somewhat reluctantly, the coach agreed to do it.
The coach walks back to the truck and climbs in. In mock shock, he turns to his assistant coach, and says, “You are not going to believe what that jerk just told me. He said he had no confidence in us and that he didn't expect any change in the future. Moreover, he doesn't expect us to last past next year!” And with that, he reaches for his gun on the gun rack in the back of the cab. He then lowers his window, rests his hand and the rifle on the windowsill and shoots the mule dead. Of course, he cannot turn to look at his assistant due to the convulsion of laughs he is now experiencing.
Just as he was composing himself, he heard two rifle shots ring out. As he was turning to figure out what happened, his assistant said, “ I just got two of his cows. Now let's get out of here!”
“USB stick “
Good one ...slid it right in
there
stick with it
“I’m having a stroke” is not something you can say with a straight face
Why did the pony gargle?
He was a little horse........
What kind of cat do you not want to race?
A Cheetah
Did you hear about the owner of the small Chinese restaurant?
He retired so he could spend less time with his family.
What did the first flag say to the second flag?
Nothing.
It just waved.
God comes down and sits on his throne. He then says to a German Sheperd dog , “What is your purpose in life? “ He says, “To obey my master”. God says ,”Good , sit on my left side”. He then asked a Bull dog, “What is your purpose in life? “ and he responds , “To obey my master”. God says ,”Good , sit on my right side”. He then says to a cat , “What is your purpose in life? “ The cat responds, “ Well, I think you are sitting in my space”.
The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. “Honey,” she said as she pointed the guy out, “that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”
Her husband say, “That’s silly, no one celebrates that much!”
Peggy Phlegm.
:)
What's green and flies over Europe?
Snotsies!
:)
I had a distant uncle that was a sea captain. Over time his crews noticed that he always had smooth sailing and never got into storms. He would arrive early to his destination and the crew got a few extra days of shore leave. He became legendary. Every one was so in awe that none dared ask him the secret of his success. They did notice that prior to a journey, he always opened his safe on the bridge and studied a small weathered piece of paper. Speculation went wild.
After his death a great crowd assembled to view the opening of the safe. Mariners hoped they could find the secret of his success so that they too could enjoy calm seas and quick voyages.
On the crumpled weathered piece of paper was written the words:
Port left
Starboard right
“God save the Queen man!”
now I get it .... good one
hours late but ...better late then never
he is truly a rare talent
but couldn’t stick to the script
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