Dad Spends Daughter's $30k College Tuition to Remodel Kitchen And She Is Furious. Was He Wrong?

WEALTHY NICKEL ^ | Feb 9, 2023 | Elizabeth Ervin

[where's_the_Outrage?]

A 20-year-old young woman who dropped out of college decided to return to school after a year of working in her boyfriend’s family’s restaurant business. For the sake of her story, we’ll call her Jane.

Jane’s parents had set aside 30,000 dollars in a college tuition account for her. But instead, her parents used the money to remodel their kitchen after Jane moved in with her boyfriend, despite her parent’s advice not to.

When Jane realized what her parents had done, she was shocked and angry. She asked for access to her college tuition account. Still, her parents refused, citing their previous conversation where they explicitly stated that they would use the money for something else if she dropped out of college.

Jane’s parents advised her to attend a cheaper college or work part-time while attending school to help pay for her tuition. Additionally, her mother has offered to help her financially.

Still, the father is hesitant as they are approaching retirement age and a little behind on their retirement goals. The father has also offered to let Jane stay at their house for free so she can focus on paying for college.

However, Jane has been ignoring her mother’s phone calls, and the father is now questioning if he is the jerk in the situation. Here is how the internet responded to his concern.

It’s a Costly Lesson

“This situation is harsh on your daughter, but you’re not the jerk,” one explained. “She decided to drop out, and with that came you telling her that you’d use the remaining college fund money for something else.

I also presume that at the time of her dropping out, she presented her decision as permanent since she said that college wasn’t for her, meaning that you don’t know how long Jane would’ve taken to return to college if she had gone back at all.

‘But I thought you were bluffing’ is an inadequate response. You don’t get to use that line when making a life-changing decision and are given conditions by the people financing you. She just learned a costly lesson.” Another agreed, “That was a gift, and she didn’t use it, and her way of responding to the situation shows how ungrateful she is.”

You’re the Jerk

“You spent all 30k on a kitchen remodel? That’s not a retirement goal; she only took a year off. Have you spent all of it already? You’re the jerk for not having the foresight or consideration that she might regret the boyfriend thing and spending the money that quickly.

Many kids make mistakes during college, mainly because it was just a year off. You didn’t need to jump to use that money. I get she made a choice and the mistake over a boy, but you could have been a safety net for her.

Parents are supposed to account for the fact that kids make stupid mistakes and choices. But instead, you took it as an opportunity to make sure she couldn’t bounce back quickly over something cosmetic and superficial, and you did it quickly. Which is gross.”

Not Compassionate

“You’re the jerk. You saved for your daughter’s education for 18 years, yet you didn’t hesitate to put the money to other uses the moment she diverted from a traditional education path. If you genuinely meant the money for her education, you could have held it for her in case she returned to school.

[Albion Wilde]

That’s tragic about your youngest. My sympathies, FRiend.

I’m watching this now with the courts favoring the mother IN ALL CASES of divorce, and the kids then getting literally spoiled and confused, and the fathers not allowed to discipline the kids fairly with the hard facts of life. That’s not to say all fathers are worthy or all mothers put sentimentality above integrity—conservative mothers are sensible, as earlier posts in this thread bring out. But liberal women often ruin their kids. I’m all for women working in ways that are prudent for her family; but there’s a reason God did not want women running the church—or the family.

That said, I hope your other kids give you solace, joy and grandchildren. Be blessed.

[SamAdams76]

Children who feel entitled to having their college expenses paid for by their hard-working parents are spoiled brats.

I hope her parents have a nice retirement. Having a remodeled kitchen will help them to prepare decent meals at home.

The daughter can run back to her boyfriend and have him provide for her. Good luck with that.

[halfright]

This is near and dear to my heart. Short story is we followed our son and his new wife to Florida where we were blessed with grandchildren. They were over here all the time. A couple years ago my son tells his mother that his wife is done with us and they never want us in their lives again. This past Christmas was really tough on her. Anyway, I told him on the phone that afternoon if you want this, that is fine but you just cost you at least 500k. Have a nice day.
House and property going to my Church. LMPO :)
E.A.G.L.E.S EAGLES!!

[SamAdams76]

I bought my first house for less than that, and that was less than 10 years ago.

Is this a mobile home or a house in Detroit?

Please provide your address on Freep Mail so I can verify through Zillow. That seems too good to be true.

A home for less than $30K within the past 10 years? That I have to see.

[Albion Wilde]

What state are you in? Inspection and permitting vary state to state. If you just REPLACE a stove or dishwasher there is generally a small fee for the inspector to check the gas or plumbing hook up. Why would anyone call an inspector for flooring, cabinet refacing or a new countertop, unless they actually moved the plumbing or electric?

[Albion Wilde]

the design of the moment in most new kitchens is kind of an industrial look in black and white.

Those shades-of-gray fake wood floors are horrible. Looks like a bunch of gray tabby cats laid down and died and were steam rolled. Please don't do that. Cold gray walls? Ew. I realize that design fads come and go, but ever since the advent of stainless steel appliances, the kitchen has become a cold storage locker instead of the heart of the home. No, thank you.

[Albion Wilde]

House and property going to my Church.

Probably the only language your DIL understands; but I know your wife wishes for a reconciliation. Hope it happens somehow. After I had to step back from a very difficult in-law situation, I took two courses called "Assertiveness Training" and "How to Get Along with Difficult People", and it opened my eyes to different ways to communicate, and was a great help.

"Assertiveness" is not aggression. It's a milder-mannered way to negotiate for what you would like to see happen. Doesn't work for every situation, but helps with many.

That said,

[napscoordinator]

That’s a good point.

[cgbg]

“She should be grateful for even a penny.”

Great life lesson—best that she learn it young.

[MinorityRepublican]

Her moving in with her boyfriend against there wishes is reason enough to not give her the money.

Their money. It comes with strings attached. But she is free to do whatever she wants. So her parents have decided to remodel their kitchen. It's a free country.

[NorthMountain]

A 20-year-old young woman who dropped out of college ... explicitly stated that they would use the money for something else if she dropped out of college.

So .... where's the beef?

[cgbg]

When I was young I stopped talking to my parents—for reasons that need not be detailed here.

It cost me a lot of money—and was worth every penny!

[dennisw]

This story is fake and made up. But it makes its point.

[Ahithophel]

Jane simply experienced an unrealized loss since she never had $30k in hand to begin with; life lesson #4,739. Fun with dicked and Jane.

[Ahithophel]

When I was young I stopped talking to my parents—for reasons that need not be detailed here.

We'll be the judge of that; start detailing.

[cgbg]

My mother was a pure sociopath—radiated hatred and evil.

My sister cut her off as well.

Life was too short to put up with that garbage.

Once I got her out of my life I learned to appreciate every day as a wonderful day.

[halfright]

We put the situation in HIS hand and will....so far the worst part of it is we are in coastal Florida :) How bad can it be!? Yes...she would but she’s not caving. DIL was intimidated by a well trained executive assistant and a nurse mother. 46 years together, so He has a plan

[Buttons12]

I don’t hand out personal information. You can take my word for it or not.

[SamAdams76]

I don't. You cannot get a decent home for under $30K.

I think you were blowing smoke. But that's okay, many people do that here.

[wgmalabama]

I will bend over backwards to help my children have the opportunity to have a good / better life. It’s honestly cheaper in the long run. I see the help my sister needs at almost 60 from my parents still. I will help my kids with my time, advice and funds. If my advice and time are ignored, then my funds can can also be ignored. I never saved for their college in an education account. I saved in a savings type account or some sort. I never once said it or anything was theirs, intended for them … It is Gods money and I am the steward of it. I will not waste those funds for shack ups, quitting and just plain insolent behavior.

Never tell your kids it’s their college (or any other activity) funds. They will think it’s their money.

Having said that, earned scholarships were rewarded with other things (computers, printers, better living arrangements…). Saved money by them working was treated the same way. To be rewarded.

Out of 3 kids - 2 went straight through for masters in accounting (MAC). The third oldest made the most money but no higher education beyond HS. He managed his money well. Some physical injuries/issues are now leading him to go back to school. So I’m more than willing to pay for his tuition and throw in money for other stuff. I might need or want to do more.

My wife and I am very blessed with good incomes. So we will help but it is not entitled to anyone. Not even me. It’s a blessing and so acting as such is import to understand.

Anyway the parents may be the ass but not for this particular instance. Saying being behind in retirement and then remodeling the kitchen shows bigger issues as the parents may be just bad examples of dealing with money and priorities.