Posted on 12/02/2022 2:31:00 PM PST by nickcarraway
Need some really good advice? Look no further than Dear Life Kit. In each episode, we pose one of your most pressing questions to an expert. This question was answered by John Kim, a therapist, life coach and host of The Angry Therapist, a podcast he uses to deliver what he calls "self-help in a shot glass." This conversation has been edited for length and clarity.
Won't be home for Christmas
Dear Life Kit,
I'm single and my parents keep guilt-tripping me into using all my vacation time to visit them for the holidays.
I love my parents, but my only vacation time is Christmas and New Year's and I have other things I want to do with my time off. Of course, my married brother isn't expected to come by for more than a day. How do I visit them without getting stuck? — Need space
John Kim is a therapist, host of The Angry Therapist Podcast and the co-author of It's Not Me, It's You: Break the Blame Cycle. Relationship Better and several other books. Photograph by Sarah Williams; Collage by NPR [Whether you're] single or in a relationship, none of that has to do with [how flexible you should have to be with your time]. Single people are some of the busiest people I know. They're out building a new life, they're out traveling.
You have to draw boundaries. If you want to do something else for the holidays, that's OK. People's feelings are going to get hurt. You're going to feel guilty. [And it will be on you] to work through that guilt. But your parents are not going to disown you because you didn't come home for Christmas.
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Don't set boundaries without communicating. Be honest and say, "Hey, this is what I think I need. I'm sorry if it hurts your feelings." And the way they take it is on them. But you've got to give yourself permission to give yourself that space. No one else is going to do it for you.
We answered your questions on safety, loneliness and anxiety during the holidays LIFE KIT We answered your questions on safety, loneliness and anxiety during the holidays A gift-giving tradition gone too far Dear Life Kit,
Our group of close friends have been getting each other gifts for years. But the gifts we get tend to be bad. We live in different cities and don't know each another's tastes anymore. We mean well, but we've all changed a lot. At this point, I'd rather they keep their money and treat themselves to something nice instead. Do we have to keep doing this every year? — Friendly finances
This is a great exercise for you to actually express your truth.
Be open and communicate with your friends. Say, "I'm not feeling this anymore. Let's do something different." Or you might say, "Let's switch it up and come up with some kind of game where it becomes fun again." Maybe your spending limit is $10.
You may be surprised that everyone else feels the same way but is just scared to stop this tradition.
Holiday Survival Guide: Family Style LIFE KIT Holiday Survival Guide: Family Style Dealing with tough family members Dear Life Kit,
For the last few years, a family member has been making hurtful comments during family gatherings. They make comments about someone's outfit or activities they don't want to do. Once it escalated when they loudly expressed annoyance at another family member's disability.
I'm not sure how to handle it. Firing back with matching snark seems like it would only escalate things, but ignoring or deflecting these comments leaves me feeling like I'm being bullied. What should I do? – Had enough
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I would be more curious. I would say, "That hurt my feelings. Why did you say that?" Most people don't do this. They fight back with another snarky comment and nothing gets resolved and feelings are hurt. And the other person might be reactive and explosive.
You have to decide what kind of space you want [to be in] for the holidays. If things get too toxic or mean-spirited, and [you're not the host], then you should excuse yourself.
If [you're the host], you should set the tone and let people know the rules. You might say to everyone, "Hey, we're not going to do things that hurt people's feelings. We're going to have a good time."
Listen to John Kim's full response in the audio at the top of the page or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.
Have a question for Dear Life Kit? Share it anonymously here.
Dear Life Kit is hosted by Andee Tagle and produced by Beck Harlan and Sylvie Douglis with help from our intern Jamal Michel. Bronson Arcuri is the managing producer and Meghan Keane is the supervising editor. Alicia Zheng produces the Dear Life Kit video series for Instagram.
NPR is pathetic and we need to stop funding their Leftist crap.
Perhaps a simple “no, that doesn’t work for me.”
Take the time to go see and enjoy spending time with your parents. When they are gone, you will be thankful that you did.
Last year at Christmas we drove from Maryland to Orlando to spend some time with my mom and her husband, then we drove from Orlando to western Michigan to spend time with my wife’s mom and two of our kids.
Our other two adult kids made the whole trip with us.
We look forward to the trip all year.
Nice.
npr: “You don’t need to spend time with your family. Go do what makes you feel good.”
My Mom wants to see me. Haven’t seen her in 4 or 5 years, she lives 1200 mile away but I call every Sunday. She’s 88 triple or quadruple vaxxed.
She requires the wife and I wear a mask, social distance and have a negative covid test before I show up. I said figure the odds, I’ve never had a test nor has the wife and I won’t drive 20hrs to wear a mask and social distance. Brother and his wife live close by her, haven’t spoken to him since 2007 which is fine. He’s the BLM, antifa, Social Justice and climate change kind of idiot.
My Holidays are just fine with my kids and grandkids.
My sister blew off my parents for 30 years (only visiting them about 1 every 2-3 years). Both of my parents died in the same year with real short illnesses. My sister sobbed that she thought she had more time....She didn’t.
Oh the poor triggered things....:)
Lost my brother, age 41, in 2001 when he was killed in an auto accident.
Lost my sister 6 years ago when she was 53.
I would forfeit the rest of my life just to have a Christmas together with them...which I never really had.
“Take the time to go see and enjoy spending time with your parents. When they are gone, you will be thankful that you did.”
Amen to that. Over the years I have been almost haunted by questions and conversations I wish I had thought of and the amount of time that I no longer have to ask them.
Wonderful!
You will be blessed.
“Honor thy father and thy mother in the days of your youth.
Then you will see your children’s children, to the fourth generation.”
The only Commandment that has a promise attached to it.
I am so sorry.
I have never regretted time spent with my parents and seven siblings.
I only wish I had had more of it.
I am now “The Last Leaf.”
If you say so.
In my decades of attending wakes and funerals, I have noticed it’s always the meanest, most disrespectful, most emotionally distant sons and daughters who carry on the most when their parents die.
I guess that guilt can do that to a person.
I was fortunate enough to spend the last few nights with my Mom. She was 96 years old. Her favorite singer was Perry Como. I called up Perry Como’s songs on my phone, turned the volume down to a soft tone and layed it down on her pillow next to her head.
Her eyebrows raised and and she smiled as she listened. It was 2am and I sensed she was happy. Later that morning when the siblings joined us, she passed.
She loved me “like a rock” (yes, I was a bit of a black sheep) and I am so thankful I could bring some joy to her in the end.
Take the time.
OPs snarky answers...:
Q1) Jump up and down. Your testicles may drop. But how far do you really need to travel to visit your parents when you live in their basement?
Q2) Liquor is always a good gift, unless they are alcoholics. If that’s the case get new friends who drink liquor...
Q3) Stop dyeing your hair blue and realize you wasted 6 years of college getting a gender studies degree. Not everyone in your family went to Evergreen College and no one cares about the intersectionality of transgendered wiccans.
Q4
Amen
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