Posted on 09/03/2022 4:46:21 AM PDT by karpov
DEAR ABBY: Our daughter and her cousin are the same age. Both are medical school graduates. Eight months ago, when this cousin got married at an in-person wedding, he was showered with gifts from the family. My daughter, in contrast, had a private ceremony because of COVID concerns and sent a wedding announcement to the family. To the shock and amazement of my husband, my daughter and myself, not a single person in the family thought to send her a gift or even a card.
There’s no bad blood in the family. Everyone appears to love her. She is disappointed and devastated. Should I just get over this, or should I say something to the family? She and her husband live 2,000 miles away, and at this point, I can’t envision them making the effort to fly home and see the family ever again. — BAFFLED IN TEXAS
DEAR BAFFLED: I don’t think anyone intended to give your daughter short shrift. The rules of etiquette state that wedding gifts are required if someone is attending a wedding. While it would have been nice of these relatives to have sent a gift or at least a card, they were not required to. I see no reason why you shouldn’t inform these relatives that your daughter was deeply hurt that no one was inclined to send her and her husband so much as a congratulatory card.
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We closed the open bar and ended the reception after 30 minutes. She also had the Maitre d present the guests with a bill for their meal. Never had anything to do with most of the attendees in the future and my wife pretty much disowned her parents after that. Each of her parents passed away as strangers to her.
If an attendee shows up empty handed to drink my liquor and eat my food they can GTFO
Do you think there should no more assemblies of people forever for any reason because we might catch something?
The addiction to stuff is killing us
“Do you think there should no more assemblies of people forever for any reason because we might catch something?”
Could you give me one little word in my posts that even vaguely hinted at such a sentiment on my part, even after I stated that I went to an assembly during the height of an outbreak?
My point was the crass attitude over the private ceremony. The bride probably did not wish to possibly expose someone to the covid virus just for her own convenience and was trying to be considerate.
People. Don’t put them on pedestals, and you won’t be dismayed when they eventually fall off of them.
1. Nothing stops people who had a tiny wedding ceremony due to Covid to having a big reception now. I had a niece do that and it was good fun
2. Traditional very old-school etiquette (as I understand it) suggests that wedding guests have a full year in order to make a wedding gift. Is anyone else here aware of that?
Our daughter’s wedding reception will be in December, after her husband’s college graduation. They were married privately during COVID lockdown in March 2021.
We couldn’t care less about gifts. What we need is a big happy celebration of marriage and family. (I wanted a renewal of vows, but that is not happening due to a faith problem my daughter is having. My husband says he intends to do a very Christian toast to the couple, at the least.)
Our family is scattered all over America. We get together for weddings, funerals and graduations. We need to come together for joy, or we will only be together at funerals.
When my mother died, we did actually receive some cash gifts, in addition to flowers. Wasn’t expecting this, but it was very kind.
From what I hear, they just got $20,000 in taxpayer bucks. YOU'RE WELCOME!
I sent two nieces and a neighbors daughter gifts and didn’t receive a thank you note. Is this the new norm? Two of them were over a hundred dollars and one for $40.
Oh, that’s a point. I didn’t think about them being not actually invited.
One tries to be gracious about these things, but when my daughter got married a certain batch of cousins (not on my side of the fam!) didn’t send her anything. And they were all invited. We’re talking a married couple and 4 grown daughters (I won’t even count the son, really it would have been a miracle to get a gift from that fellow.)
My attitude was basically, oh well! But then my sis-in-law pointed out that all of us had been to all of their weddings and we had all given gifts. So then I was a bit annoyed.
If they go to the wedding, they do. Two wrongs don't make a right. But they don't have to break the bank when choosing the gift.
But did you use an online gift registry like the millenials do, with specific requests from certain stores? It saves a lot of waste, as well as displaying the couple's taste (or lack thereof).
If the bride and groom were getting married in a certain time period in major cities like New York or Washington, they COULDN’T invite more than a handful of people. Even churches were limited as to number, if not completely shut down. So try not to blame the bride. There were arrests in New York when people broke the number restrictions in order to have weddings or funerals.
The relatives have already done it by snubbing the daughter. There are ways for the mom to say something politely to one member whom she can trust to convey the info to a few of the others. But there will be awkwardness with others who don't give a crap who they hurt as the family goes forward.
Weddings, big or small, should be a very meaningful event in the lives of families. Behavior around weddings can bless, or can hurt -- a lot.
A call or a card would have been nice. Geez.. There is much more to this story.
Right on. I got married a bit older and my parents offered to buy us a boat instead of a wedding. Long story. Anyway, I said I’d rather have a wedding so the families can meet and we can get to know one another. WE had a great wedding. It wasn’t big, but the entire family from both sides were there. Within a year of that wedding, my Father, my mother-in-law, and first cousin had all passed. I am so happy I chose the wedding and my fondest memory is dancing with my Father at my wedding.
I'm with you. I've seen such crass behavior at the weddings of so-called educated people in the past 20 years or so. It's sad. Don't get me started on the creative "own vows" and "dancing down the aisles on YouTube" antics in churches, and the boozy receptions.
People have lost all sense of it being a rite of passage to adult responsibility, honoring God by sanctifying an intimate partnership, a joining of two lives, preparing stability for future children, or expressing solidarity with the elders who nurtured them to this point. It's become about impressing their friends, not continuity with religion or their families.
Don't try to talk sense and compassion to the several crass people on this thread.
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