How Many Friends Do You Really Need?

An ongoing argument my husband and I have — which has become more contentious during the pandemic — is about how many friends we should have.

We both have one or two close friends and siblings we like to spend time with. Plus, we are busy parenting two young boys who sap most of our energy. As a textbook introvert, this feels like plenty of friends to me. Excessive, even. But my husband is an extrovert who comes alive around other people. As we slowly emerge from the pandemic, I can feel him yearning for more.

He’s not alone. For years, friendship in America has been in decline, a trend that accelerated during the pandemic. Three decades ago, 3 percent of Americans told Gallup pollsters they had no close friends; in 2021, an online poll put it at 12 percent. About a year into the pandemic, 13 percent of women and 8 percent of men age 30 to 49 said they’d lost touch with most of their friends.

While she and other friendship researchers admit there aren’t many studies that have specifically tackled the question of how many friends people should aim for, those that have been done offer a range — and somewhere between three and six close friends may be the sweet spot.

The amount of time you actually spend with your friends matters, too. Dr. Hall’s research suggests that on average, very close friendships tend to take around 200 hours to develop. Quantity and quality go hand-in-hand.

There have been some good an interesting contributions to this thread, some in the same post. I will monitor it for content and share my thoughts on the subject in the FWIW column.

How many?

ZERO if they are not good, loyal, trustworthy, reliable, decent, moral, ethical, hard working, independent, men of good character and God fearing.

Good friends don’t ask others to fill their needs but will offer to help you in need if they can. They are the men you talk to about your life because you trust them and their judgement and because they will listen carefully. They are an honest and valuable sounding board and will always tell you the truth and you will accept it for being helpful because they have never willingly hurt you. They will share your work and your laughter as well as celebrate your victories and be proud for you. When bad things happen they say I am sorry for your loss, I can share your pain but not bear your burden. A good friend will come all the way across the country for your Momma’s funeral without being asked and stand-by in case there is something he can help you with. He knows he is subordinate to family but still wants to be standing by. Things like that are what my very few friends are made of. They may not know each other but when they meet they click, they are similar and value similar things. No more than five probably can ever be like that.

Some have said that if you use the fingers of more than one hand to count your friends you need to count again because some aren’t. I don’t expect my remaining friends to be at my funeral save for one because I have asked him to preach it. I figure the rest living will be there though and I at theirs to pay my respects.

If you want to keep good friends you have to be their equal or better in that regard.

I have never known the brotherhood of combat but have been in some tough spots. Most of my few friends were with me in those hard places.

My few friends are older, like me, I have already lost two of that small number. I doubt very much they will be replaced as I am trying to focus on being a good mentor in my latter years. I have sadly learned that not all family are friends, even close family, though my best friend ever was my Dad with whom I could work for hours without talking and we both pretty well knew what the other was thinking. He is long gone now but still sorely missed. There was also my mentor who is gone now as well.

After friends are proteges who may be a bigger responsibility than friends, acquaintances, then dangerous people and enemies.

My best friends and I part saying, “Holler if you need me.” and mean it because we both know the difference between want and need or one of life’s many troubles and a real emergency.

I can’t mention friends without God. He is the one friend I know I can turn to in my darkest hours and He is all I really have and all I should really need.

I always had a problem with John Donne when I first read it in high school.

For Whom the Bell Tolls
by
John Donne

No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.

Then, I soon realized that the duplicity of a large group of my fellow creatures was the problem. I was in junior high school when I swore to myself that someday I was going to be great, immediately thinking, even if I was the only one who knew it.

I feel I have lived up to my oath and I didn't bring any friends with me. Like several others have posted, my wife is my only friend. We have a comfortable Vulcan mind meld as God intended.

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