How to Get Hitched (and Stay Hitched): A 12-Step Program for Marriage-Minded Women

Amazon Books ^ | 2021 | Suzanne Venker

[Yaelle]

Would be great if newsom could join.

[Chickensoup]

You speak truth

[P.O.E.]

“Then your wife seems to think you’re part of the furniture,
oh it’s peculiar,
she used to be so nice”

Supertramp - “Take the long way home”

[EQAndyBuzz]

“ And Meth. ”

Lots of meth. And read Elmore Leonard novels to each other at breakfast.

[EQAndyBuzz]

Laugh every day. And touch each other.

[Veto!]

Indeed. However, that was a long time ago, I don’t think it’s operating any more.
Someone could restart it.I’m relatively sane now, and live in Spokane, where it would not be a popular program. ACA was but the fellow who was an absolutely wonderful leader died a few years ago.

[metmom]

You know what speaks volumes to a woman?

Helping with chores around the house, ESPECIALLY the dishes.

Now, it’s not that she can’t do it. But what it tells her is that you notice the amount of work and effort that she’s putting in and appreciate it.

Or vacuum. Or pick up your own dirty laundry. It’s little stuff like that the shows you recognize what she does and the work it takes to do it.Women don’t like being taken for granted any more than men do.

And to women, I would adamantly say, when he does it, if he misses a spot, deal with it later but don’t say anything to him but thank you. You can always take care of the little bit that wasn’t done just right later.

[wintertime]

Re: “...you should marry someone whom you knew as a casual friend before getting serious with them.”

I agree. I don’t remember meeting my husband. He was just part of the jetsam and flotsam of college life. We gradually became friends. We’ve been married 40 years.

[Magnatron]

Dad was married six times.

Mother was married four times.

My younger brother was married four times.

My youngest brother was married three times.

I’ve been married once — for 30 years now.

What the hell am I doing wrong?

[metmom]

Yup. Since you are not all about impressing the other person, you aren’t trying to hide your flaws.

[cgbg]

My variation on that rule is that when my wife does something minor around the house that I don’t like, I don’t get angry with her.

I just try to make it impossible for her to make the same mistake again.

(In most cases that is doable.)

;-)

[setter]

I bet you got quite rewarded with alimony and houses from that lousey billionaire in the divorce

[Hootowl]

A neighbor woman told me her secret for motivating her husband was to tell him, “It would really turn me on if (insert task) was done.” Of course she had to follow through if he finished the job but I suspect she enjoyed it, too.

[metmom]

Sounds like you are the white sheep of the family.

My goodness. I would stay far away from someone who has been divorced more than once.

Once could be for valid reasons. More than once indicates a problem somewhere, the very least of which is that the person has poor judgement in selecting a spouse.

[Mogger]

My wedding reception toast to all newlyweds:

"May you put up with each other".

[Dr. Sivana]

Well, I hope that Your Majesty and the Queen will be very happy together.

So far, so good. (25 years)

[metmom]

There was a book out a while back called Sex Begins in the Kitchen.

I knew a couple that had a rough marriage. One day he decided to help do the dishes and her comment was that it almost made her want to have sex with him.

There is NOTHING like validating the other person by making them like they are worth something to you.

[fr_freak]

The main take away was that you can’t have a long and picky list of criteria for your ideal spouse and then say “I want him to love me just as I am”. You put your best self forward...

I think this is a very underrated aspect of relationships. People think in terms of loving each other for who they are, accepting flaws, etc. but I see very few people focusing on MINIMIZING their own flaws. Or simply put, don't allow yourself to become a fat, lazy, worthless idiot and then demand your significant other "love you for who you are". And this is true for both the man and the woman, because having respect for yourself is also having respect for your spouse.

As an example, I had an idiot friend a while back who was living with his girlfriend of many years and they had a young daughter together. He complained of problems in the relationship, and things were getting worse seemingly by the day. At first I didn't understand what the problem was, but after she kicked him out of the house a couple of times and he stayed at my place, I realized what a fat, disgusting pig he had become, especially compared to the lean and mean dude he had been when they met.

He complained of this new problem and that new problem over some months, but I came to realize that the core of ALL the problems was the state he was in. She hadn't changed (much) but he had, for the worse. The fat lazy gasbag he had become was a reflection of the lack of self-discipline and respect he had for himself, which, of course, also translated into a lack of respect that he had for the woman sharing his life. Imagine caring so little for your spouse that you allow yourself to become repulsive. All of the stress, all of the arguments, were rooted in this dynamic (there was more to it - his spiraling lack of self-discipline also affected his life in other ways, but it all came from the same thing).

In the end, I tried to help him by offering to get him on my regular workout routine, because I knew the work it would take to get there would put him back on track, and he would regain some pride by getting into shape, but he whined about "fat-shaming" (I kid you not) and I decided that she SHOULD kick him the hell out.

[Kevmo]

I helped start several ACA meetings on SF peninsula in the early 80’s. I also started a different 12 step program just a few years ago.

Yours sounds fascinating. There used to be a SAA [Sex Addicts Anonymous] but I heard it failed. It was because there was no leadership, no one who made it a whole year of being abstinent.

[Chickensoup]

You didn’t inherit the family bipolar disorder?