Posted on 08/05/2021 2:00:24 PM PDT by upchuck
1. A long time ago, there was a beehive in the middle of a forest. Every day, as worker bees do, they would go out into the fields, gather pollen from the flowers, and bring it back to make honey.
The bees had a problem, though, because every so often an intruder would come around, such as a bear who wanted the honey, or kids who thought it'd be fun to throw rocks at the hive.
Finally, the bees got tired of it. Being the intelligent bees that they were, they built an alarm system for the hive. They built it such that one bee pulls a lever, which triggers the alarm that the bees hear from the fields, and then the bees come back to protect their home.
There was one bee who was exclusively assigned that job, and he was aptly named the "Lever Bee." His job was to watch for potential adversaries, and pull the lever to raise the alarm.
Now obviously, the security of the hive depends on this one Lever Bee. So he has to be constantly ready and on the alert to be able to do his job.
And that is why people say,
"I'm as ready as a Lever Bee."
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2. (If you're done groaning...) It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
“You’re not going to have time to finish this,” the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
“Yes I will,” replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.
A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
“No you don’t," said the professor, "I’m not going to accept that. It’s late.” The student looked incredulous and angry.
“Do you know WHO I am?”
“No, as a matter of fact I don’t,” replied the professor.
“DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” the student asked again.
“No, and I don’t care.” replied the professor with an air of superiority.
“Good,” replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
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3. A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry says, “Halt, who goes there?”
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, “General Wheeler.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.”
The general says, “Drive on!”
The sentry says, “Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.”
The general, who was very upset at the delay, roars at the driver, “I’m telling you, son, drive on!”
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, “General, pardon me, but I’m new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?”
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4. Ray recently retired and drove his new Corvette Stingray Convertible out of the dealership. Taking the on-ramp to the Interstate, he floored it to 80, enjoying the wind blowing through his disappearing gray hair. “Amazing,” he thought, pushing the pedal more. Looking in his rear-view mirror, he saw a State Trooper, lights flashing and sirens blaring. He floored it to 100, then 120, then 150. Suddenly, he thought, “What the hell am I doing? I’m too old for this!"
He pulled over to wait for the trooper. The cop walked up, looked at his watch, and said “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday and I have the weekend off. If you can give me a reason I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”
Ray paused, then he said, “Years ago my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought it might be you bringing her back.”
“Have a good day Sir,” replied the trooper.
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5. After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusted off a bottle from the shelf and gave it to him.
The CEO of Budweiser said, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gave him one.
The Coors chief said, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." The bartender got it.
The Guinness man sat down and stated, "Give me a Coke." The bartender was a little taken aback, but gave it to him.
The other brewery presidents looked at him and asked, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"
The Guinness president replied, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
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6. A sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the below outlined procedures when accessing their accounts. MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed after months of careful research. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put car in "Park" and put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
5. Turn the radio down.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way up.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check make-up in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check make-up again.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Stop and reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver in line behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
26. Release parking brake.
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7. A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. Very proud, she came home and put it on. She then showed her mother how she looked in it.
“What do you think mom?” she asked.
Her mother replied, “If I wore that when I was your age, you'd be 5 years older.”
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8. They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot,I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty except for two cars and they weren't mine.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then, I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen." There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." He retorted, "I will, just as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"
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9. I went to the grocery to buy bread. I found a loaf on sale for $2.47.
I gave the cashier a $20 bill.
She said "Oh, that's gonna take all my change, have you got anything smaller?"
I said "No, sorry, but I can use my credit card if that helps?" She said, "Yes, that will be fine."
As I stuck my card in the machine she said "Cash back?" I said "Yes please!"
"How much?" she asked. I said, "$17.53."
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10. How do you get President Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in.
Lol. Thanks for the needed chuckles.
I’m smiling as I type this. Good job!
Thank you!
LOLs! Thanks, upchuck!
Ping, sodpoodle!
Much needed comic relief - Thanks.
Y’all are welcome!
10. How do you get Biden to change a lightbulb?
Tell Obama Trump put it in.
There now - all fixed.
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