Posted on 07/01/2021 7:14:54 AM PDT by upchuck
1. Going to bed early. 2. Not leaving my house. 3. Not going to a party.
My childhood punishments have become my adult goals.
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2. Teach your kids about taxes... eat 30% of their ice cream.
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3. A golfer is walking down to his golf course, carrying his clubs, when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge, creeps up behind the gunman and smashes it over the back of his head, knocking him unconscious.
"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward."
The golfer glances at his golf bag. "Well, some golf clubs would be nice," he says.
Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls the golfer. "We've got your golf clubs," she says, "but the Sheikh would like to apologize to you in advance: two of them don't have swimming pools."
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4. A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined:
Rebecca, age 8 "When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Billy, age 4 "When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Karl, age 5 "Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Chrissy, age 6 "Love is when you go out to eat and you give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Terri, age 4 "Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Danny, age 7 "Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Emily, age 8 "Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss."
Bobby, age 7 "Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." (Wow!)
Nikka, age 6 "If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
Noelle, age 7 "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Tommy, age 6 "Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Cindy, age 8 "During my piano recital I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Clare, age 6 "My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Elaine, age 5 "Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Chris, age 7 "Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Mary Ann, age 4 "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Lauren, age 4 "I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Karen, age 7 "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."
Mark, age 6 "Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
Jessica, age 8 "You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Then there is this...
A four year old child’s next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man crying, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap , and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing , I just helped him cry."
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5. I used to think I was just a regular guy, but I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist.
I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today's standards, makes me a fascist.
I am heterosexual, which according to gay folks, now makes me a homophobe.
I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.
I am a Christian, which now labels me as an infidel.
I believe in the 2nd Amendment, which now makes me a member of the vast anti-gun lobby.
I am over 70 and retired, which makes me a useless old man.
I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much of what the main stream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary.
I am proud of my heritage and our American culture, which makes me a xenophobe.
I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.
I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.
I (and most of the folks I know), acquired a fair education without student loans (it’s called work) and no debt at graduation, which makes me some kind of an odd underachiever.
I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland and all its citizens and have served in the Armed Forces, which now makes me a militant.
Please help me come to terms with the new me… because I'm just not sure who I am anymore! I just can't imagine or understand what's happened to me so quickly! Funny... it’s all just taken place over the last 7 or 8 years!
As if all this nonsense wasn’t enough to deal with… I’m now afraid to go into either restroom!
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6. (This is particularly topical.) How do you confuse a racist? Make him play Nintendo. Mario is an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!
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7. The phone bill was exceptionally high. The man called a family meeting to discuss.
Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use home phone, I use my work phone. Mom: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone. Son: I use my office mobile, I never use the home phone.
They all looked at the maid who's patiently listening to them. "Well?"
Maid: What? So we all use our work phones. What's the big deal?
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8. For all you golfers out there:
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
Golf is harder than baseball. In Golf, you have to play your foul balls.
If you find you do not mind playing Golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip... your life is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers... neither of whom can putt very well.
An interesting thing about Golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might want to reconsider this game.
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
Golf is like marriage, If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.
The best wood in most amateur's golf bag is the pencil.
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9. Do you know what goes clipety, clipety, clip ninety nine times and then goes clop? A centipede with a wooden leg.
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10. Saved the best till last--
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around, before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah! So solly," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck by mistake."
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bump for later
They meant target, not member, IMHO.
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