LOL !!! Might have to try that on the Erie crowd...
Awwww. Well hopefully at least he has an awesome accent which is sweet to hear.
SAINT PATRICK AND IRELAND
Having done diligent research on the matter, consulted with and carefully observed the behavior of those who are descendants of people from the “Auld Sod”, and I am convinced that the following is true and factual :
Everyone knows that St. Patrick’s first encounter with the Irish was when he was captured and sold to them as a slave. After six years as a slave, he managed to escape to what is now France and became a monk.
He later decided that the inhabitants of the “Emerald Island”, a rude and uncouth lot to be sure, needed a bit of civilizing. He therefore returned to his former place of slavery to bring about a change.* He was highly successful in converting many of the savage tribes to Christianity but one problem remained to be overcome: Snakes.
Now Patrick in all his time as a slave and as a missionary had never seen a snake in Ireland. However, the indigenous population assured him that they were there! They appeared each day in great numbers to the inhabitants. Patrick was baffled!
Upon further investigation, Patrick determined that, according to the people, the snakes appeared at the approximately the same time each day, late in the afternoon or early evening, and stayed visible until the following morning. Patrick observed the people and noted that their daily routine varied little over time and any differences depended upon the season. Spring, summer and early fall resulted in longer days outdoors tending crops and flocks. During late fall and winter, more time was spent indoors tending to crafts and animals in the barns. Thus, the snakes appeared later in the day during the spring, summer and early fall than during late fall and winter.
Patrick also noted that there were about three whiskey stills for every four (man, woman and child) in the population and that although each still produced enough for the daily needs ten people, there was no on hand inventory of distilled spirits. He also noted that there was a direct correlation between distilled spirit consumption, seasons of the year and snake sightings.
As a result of his observations, Patrick took matters into his own hands and proceeded to destroy 99.9% of the existing stills. There was an immediate decline in snake sightings!! At the same time, this led to other advances in Irish civilization: Irish Clog Dancing evolved from the native clod dancing; Injuries to spectators from erratically aimed darts were reduced significantly; Irish cuisine (Colcannon, Bangers and Mash and Irish Onion Soup) developed.
However, residuals of the old days remain. There are still occasional sightings of snakes. Leprechauns appear now and then. Spectators are still injured by stray darts. It should be noted that those responsible for the above have, in all probability, managed to consume more than their allocated share of distilled and/or brewed spirits.
The true miracle of St. Patrick ridding Ireland of snakes isn’t that the snakes went away but that he remained alive afterwards.
*It has also been ventured that his return was motivated by the fact that Guinness was not available anywhere on the continent!
Thought about smoking a brisket this weekend but found them all sold out yesterday. Damn St. Patrick’s Day!
An old farmer lived alone in Ireland because his only son joined the rebellion and was in a British prison.
The old farmer wrote to his son: “You left me all alone and now it’s planting time and I have no one to help me spade the potato garden, so I’ll surely starve before the year is out.”
The son wrote back: “For God’s sake, don’t touch that garden, that’s where I buried all the guns!”
The next morning the man was dragged off to the police station while the police dug up his whole property looking for guns. But he was released when they didn’t find any.
The man wrote to the son: “You’ve made me look like a criminal and I’ve been humiliated me in front of the whole village. Now what am I supposed to do?”
The son wrote back: “Now plant your potatoes.”
Freud never read James Joyce.
As an Italian, we would have simply told the kids to get their asses home for Christmas or altro’ ..
I married an Irishman with no sense of humor!!!!!
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Are you male or female or tranny or straight? Oh never mind, it’s none of my business! Éirinn go Brách!
The Irish need to go pound sand! That’s Regimental Day!
I have been to Ireland. There are no snakes there, which is why the island is overrun with rats. That is no joke.