Posted on 01/15/2021 8:23:13 AM PST by Colonial35
A nubile young woman has just finished a shower and is toweling off when there is a knock at the door of her apartment. Who is it?" she calls out. Blind man, is the reply. She thinks It's a blind man, I'll see what he wants before I get dressed. After all, he can't see anything So she opens the door in the altogether. The fellow at the door says, Wow! you certainly have a beautiful body Where do you want your blinds?
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle
to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government’s political
stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next
generation, protects a bunch of pr!*ks, and gives you a sense of security
while you’re actually being srcewd. It just doesn’t get more accurate than that.
The December meeting of the Annapolis Chess Club was held at the Hilton.
They had dinner, listened to the speaker, then had a cash bar made available
so they could swap their stories. Some of the members had a few too many beers
and decided to just hang out until they were chased out.
Eventually the banquet room was closed and they moved into the entryway.
By this time they were really ripped and telling ever more fantastic stories about
ever more fantastic matches with ever more stunning victories. They all knew
each was lying but were just too ripped to care.
Finally, about 3:00 a.m. the hotel manager came out and said, Gentlemen,
I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to leave. If there’s one thing this hotel
can’t abide, it’s chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk
about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is
eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent
that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says
Kin ya swallar? The woman shakes her head no. Kin ya breathe? The woman begins
to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks
down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies
out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly
back to the bar. His partner says, Ya know, I’d heerd of that there Hind Lick
Maneuver, but I ain’t never seed nobody do it.
Amish and the Elevator
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move
apart and back together again. The boy asked, What is this, Father?
The father responded, Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t
know what it is. While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers
above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached
the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls
opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
Go get your Mother.
So a guy is selling door to door.
The door opens and a little boy is there. Is your Mommy home, son? asks the guy.
No. I’m sorry. She’s in prison for prostitution. says the kid
A little surprised, How about your dad? Is he home? asks the guy
Oh he’s dead. He got shot in a bank robbery attempt.
Well do you have any brothers and sisters I could talk with?
Well I have a brother and sister. My sister is in a de-tox hospital and my
brother is at Harvard.
thinking to himself. Mom is a hooker, dad is a dead bank robber and sister is an
addict but brother is at Harvard. Son, now knowing what you’ve told me about your
family, how’d your brother get to Harvard?
In a jar, says the boy.
Louisiana women
Three men, one from Texas one from Mississippi and one from Louisiana were
sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The one from Texas had, of course, married a girl from Texas and bragged that he told
his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple of
days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and clean dishes.
The man from Mississippi had maried a girl from Florida and bragged how he told her she
was to clean the house, wash the dishes and have his supper on the table when he got home.
By the third day things fell right into place, the house was cleaned, the dishes all
washed and his supper was on the table when he got home.
The third man, old Boudreaux had married Chlotiel from Louisiana and boasted that
he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, and the
lawn mowed and a hot meal on the table. The first day he didn’t see anything, the second
day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day, most of the swelling had gone down he
could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself something to eat, load the
dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.
The husband had finished his book, Man Of The House, by the time he reached home.
He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger
in her face, he said, From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house,
and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m
finished eating my meal, I expect scrumptious dessert afterward. Then you are going
to make love with me where, when and how I tell you to! Then, after that, you’re going
to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s
going to dress me and comb my hair?
His wife responded, The Funeral Director.
I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it don’t waste them on
exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make
you live longer that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving
it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what
are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of
delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good
source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you > 100% of
your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they
take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.
Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have
two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain Good
Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re
permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing
sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Is chocolate bad for me?
Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans another vegetable! It’s the best feel-good food around!
Is swimming good for your figure?
If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets!
That really made me laugh out loud. Thanks for the joke
A scam is being pulled, mainly on older men.
What happens is that when you stop for a red light, a young nude woman
comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing this,
another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car.
They are very good at this:
They got my brother 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday.
He wasn’t able to find them on Sunday.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family
in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving
the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.
The CIA was recruiting an assassin. Of the original hundreds of applicants they
finally reduced the field to the top three: two men and a woman.
They brought the first man into a room and said, We need to know you will follow our
instructions to the letter without question. They handed him a pistol and said. Behind
this door your wife is sitting in a chair. Go through the door and shoot her with this gun.
He said, I can’t shoot my wife.
They said, Thank you, but you won’t do, and let him go.
They brought the second man into a room and said, We need to know you will follow
our instructions to the letter without question. They handed him a pistol and said,
Behind this door your wife is sitting in a chair. Go through the door and shoot her
with this gun. He took a deep breath and went in. After a couple of seconds of silence
he came out and said, I just can’t do it. I can’t kill my wife.
They said, Thank you, but you won’t do, and let him go.
The brought the woman in and said, We need to know you will follow our instructions
to the letter without question. They handed her a pistol and said, Behind this door
your husband is sitting in a chair. Go through the door and shoot him with this gun.
She took the gun and went in. They heard several gunshots then some banging and clanging.
Finally, the woman came out looking a little disheveled. She handed the gun back and said,
This thing was full of blanks. I had to beat the ba$tard to death with the chair.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace
listened to the instructor, It is essential that husbands and wives know the things
that are important to each other.
He addressed the man, Can you describe your wife’s favorite flower?
Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I’ll stop right here.
There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farmhand working with him to help
castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the first sheep, the French farmhand
took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash. No! yelled the farmer,
Don’t throw those away! My wife fries them up, and we eat them, they’re delicious!
They’re called Sheep Fries!
The farmhand saved the parts and took them to the farmer’s wife who cooked them up
for supper. This went on for three days and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper
On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper.
He asked his wife where the farmhand was, and she replied, It’s the strangest thing
When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries, and he ran!
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the
new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and
valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs
and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3,
Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the
system whenever selected.
I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite
applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall
doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks, A Troubled User
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment
program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run
EVERYTHING! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0.
It is impossible! to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.
Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that
you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the
background application Yes Dear to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you
will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0,
Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2! However, be very careful how you use these programs.
Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens,
the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software.
I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3.
This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage
to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
JONES: Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a dog.
Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
JONES: But I’m not allowed up on the couch!
A guy runs into a psychiatrist’s office:
Doc you gotta help me nobody pays any attention to me it’s like I don’t exist.
Doctor: NEXT!
JONES: Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me I just can’t stop my hands shaking!
Doc: Do you drink a lot?
JONES: Not really I spill most of it!
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