Posted on 12/31/2020 8:41:39 AM PST by Colonial35
Two Irishmen are sitting on the curb watching as the bank reprosesses their failed bar. Paddy sighs, Next time we open a brothel. Seamus grunts, If we can't get em to drink beer, how are we going to get them to drink broth?
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for
about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi.
He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a doughnut eating Gestapo.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he wrote a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn’t care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting
the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, Biden2020.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I’m retired.
It’s important to my health.
So, an iman, a rabbi and my uncle Frank were on tour and needed a place to stay
for the night when they came to a farm. The farmer said he had two beds but one
person would have to sleep in the barn. The iman said no problem. After a few minutes,
the iman knocked on the house door and said because there was a cow in the barn
he couldn’t sleep there. No problem said the rabbi, I will sleep in the barn.
A few minutes later the rabbi knocked on the door and said because there was a
pig in the barn, he couldn’t sleep there so my uncle Frank said no problem,
he would sleep in the barn. A few minutes later there was a knock on the door and
it was the cow and the pig.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades,
so will his eyesight.
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling
the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear
the same outfit in public.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford.
Then I want to move in with them.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing
that keeps some parents going.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument,
a bank has just been robbed.
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and
talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for
a job the next day.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got
gin in the steam iron.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
My photographs don’t do me justice - they just look like me.
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle
keep away from children.
I asked the waiter, Is this milk fresh? He said, Lady, three hours ago it was grass.
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you
can’t see him laughing.
You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a
small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.
It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an
elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate.
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,
he stated.
Why yes, she replied, every week my son sends me money and I give some of
it to the church.
The pastor replied, That’s wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot, are you sure you can
afford this? How much does he send you?
The elderly woman answered, $10,000 a week.
The pastor was amazed. Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?
He is a veterinarian, she answered.
That’s an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,
the pastor said. Where does he practice?
The woman answered proudly, In Nevada. He has two cat houses,
one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno.
:>)
Complete And Finished
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference
between these two words. In a linguistic competition held in London and
attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Mr. Samdar Balgobin,
a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which
lasted over 5 minutes.
The final question was: How do you explain the difference between
COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say
there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Here is his astute answer:
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one
catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!
He won a trip around the world and a case of scotch!
I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish. I wish to
live forever, I said. Sorry, said the fairy, That is the only wish that I’m not
allowed to grant. Fine, I said, then I want to die the day after Congress is
filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the
people’s best interests!
You crafty little chap! replied the fairy.
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of
dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, If I give you
this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?
No, I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless man replied.
Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?
the man asked. Are you NUTS! replied the homeless man.
I haven’t played golf in 20 years!
Well, said the man, I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to
take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.
The homeless man was astounded.
Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied, That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks
like after he has given up drinking and golf.
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Irishman answered his door to find a grim-faced constable waiting in the front yard.
“We’re sorry, Mr. O’ Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen” said the officer.
“Tell me! Did you find her?” O’Flynn asked.
The constable said, “I have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?
Fearing the worst, O’ Flynn said, “Give me the bad news first.”
The constable said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife’s body in the bay.”
“Jesus!” exclaimed O’ Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What could possibly be the good news?”
The constable continued, “When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven’t seen lobsters like that since the 1960’s, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.”
Stunned, Mr. O’ Flynn demanded, “Glory be to God, if that’s the good news, then what’s the really great news?”
The constable replied, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow”.
An old priest lay dying in a Hospital.
For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital.
He motioned for his nurse to come near. Yes, Father?” said the nurse.
“I would really like to see Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi before I die”,
whispered the priest. I’ll see what I can do, Father,” replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived.
Chuck and Nancy would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital,
Chuck commented to Nancy I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us,
but it will certainly help our images. Nancy couldn’t help but agree.
When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Nancy‘s hand
in his right hand and Chuck’s hand in his left.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.
Finally Nancy spoke.Father, of all the people you could have chosen,
Why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?
The old priest slowly replied, I have always tried to pattern my life
after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. The old priest continued
He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same!
Kinda brings a smile to your face doesn’t it!
A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass.
He says: “So what’s bothering you?”
She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”
“Certainly Father,” she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
“I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We’re the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.”
“Well,” said the big gator, “what have you been eating?”
“Politicians, same as you,” replied the small gator.
“Hmm.....Well, where do you catch them?”
“Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.”
“Same here. Hmm.... How do you catch them?”
“Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for
one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg,
shake the shit out of them and eat’em!”
“Same here.” says the big gator. “Do you eat Democrats or Republicans?”
“I eat the Democrats” says the little guy.
“Ah!” says the big gator. “I think I see your problem.
You’re not getting any real nourishment.
You see, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Democrat,
there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.”
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds,
then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband,
“You need a piece of tail.”
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
“Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.”
WE NEED MORE GRANDMOTHERS IN COURT!!!
Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren’t
prepared for the answer:
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness to the stand ... a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached
her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve know you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big
shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law
practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated
on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes,
I know him.” The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very
quiet voice, said:
“If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I’ll throw your
sorry asses in jail for contempt.”
Many years ago, Arnold Palmer decide to take a break from golf and tour some of
the country’s back roads. He packed what he needed in his favorite car, a Cadillac,
and set off to discover small-town America.
These were the days of full-service filling stations, and at each stop he made a
habit of talking with and getting to know some of the people at the station.
At one station in particular, the kid pumping gas was fascinated by Palmer’s Cadillac
he had never seen one up close before. Palmer patiently answered his questions as
he explained many of the luxurious features of the car.
When the fill-up was done and it was time to pay, Palmer handed over the necessary
bills and then dug around in his pocket for some change.
When his hand came out it also contained a couple golf tees.
The kid had never seen a golf tee before, and he asked what it was.
Palmer answered “It’s called a tee; they hold your balls when you drive”.
The kid replied “Wow, Mr. Palmer, those Cadillac people think of everything!”
And in the winter, you could build up quite a static charge before you reached that metal knob.
Some of us had to mow the shag with a reel mower when we were young! Uphill, both ways in the living room.
A guitarist was having a lot of trouble finding work due to there being a lot of other guitarists in his local area, so he decided to audition for a spot as a bassist.
The band’s manager says, “Are you sure you want to play bass with us? I’ve heard you before and you’re really good.”
The guitarist replies, “I appreciate the compliment, but I just can’t find any gigs as a guitarist and I really need the work.”
The manager says, “Okay, you’ve got the gig, but on one condition. I know you won’t be happy playing bass, so before you accept, you need to have surgery and have a third of your brain removed.”
The guitarist thought about it for a minute, then said, “That sounds a little extreme, but I really need to be working. I’ll do it.”
So he goes in for the surgery, and after waking up the surgeon is standing at his bedside. “I have good news and bad news for you.”
“What’s the good news?”
The surgeon answers, “Your surgery was a complete success. There were no complications, and you should be fully recovered within a week.”
“Okay,” says the guitarist, “so what’s the bad news?”
“Well,” says the surgeon, “due to an error on your orders, we removed half of your brain instead of only a third.”
The guitarist says, “Okay, whatever. Got any sticks?”
If there is a ping list for this thread, could you put me on it?
A man with no legs was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland ,
were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said “Have you ever had a hug?”
The man said “No,” so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, “Have you ever had a kiss?”
The man said, “No,” so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said,
“’Ave ya ever been F’d, laddie?”
The man broke into a big smile and said, “No”.
She said, “Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in.”
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