“Hi! I’m Dave Scanlon and I’m an iguana expert here at the National Weather Service.
Sure, we all hear about iguanas falling out of trees in the cold, but what about the rest of the year? Are the iguanas just sitting up in the trees playing cards and drinking beer?
According to our 20 year, 43,000,000,000 federally funded study, we don’t know.
We did, though. Fell out of the trees like frozen iguanas. Happy, frozen iguanas.”
“We have a letter from little Bobby Scuzz from Peoria, Illinois. Bobby wants to know if the iguanas would benefit from heating pads.
Well, Bobby, while we here at the Service appreciate your concern for the iguanas, we all want to know if they have any schools in Peoria? Where the heck do you think you plug those heating pads? Do the trees have electrical outlets in Peoria, Bobby?
No. Just a minute. These are the kinds of questions we get from these little turdheads. Never anything about high pressure systems. Always something stupid about warming up lizards or giving snowshoes to the deer.
No. I won’t get off! You can just cut”