Posted on 12/10/2020 10:57:55 AM PST by upchuck
If a man says something in the woods and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
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One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn’t know what to call her so we named her Pu$sycat.’ The vet decided to keep her for a day or so He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, ‘OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks.’ He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don’t see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband ‘EI-Cheap-O’, and my husband calls the vet ‘EI-Charge-O’. They love to hate each other and constantly ‘snipe’ at one another, With my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.
The GP’s waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in – he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, ‘Your wife’s pu$sy doesn’t stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose!
Oh, and, by the way, she’s pregnant! God only knows who the father is!‘ Then he closed the door. The silence was deafening.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
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Two men go on a fishing trip. They rent everything they need for the trip including the cabin.
The first day they go fishing they don’t catch anything. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they’re driving home one of them turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?”
The other guy says, “Wow! Then it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”
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One evening, after the honeymoon, Tom was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably should also consider selling your Harley and all your welding equipment along with your gun collection, and your fishing gear, and the boat and lose all those stupid model airplanes, plus dump that vintage hot rod sports car, and your home brewing equipment..."
Tom got a horrified look on his face.
She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, "There for a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!?" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
Tom replied, “I wasn't.."
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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
Thanks, I’ve been needing some good laughs!
LOL!
Thanks for the laughs - I sure needed them!
I wanted Truffles
Y’all are welcome!
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